Friday's Funnies

At The Drive-Thru

I drove through at the bank the other day. When I got to the window the lady said, "Sorry ‘bout your wait." I said, "Me, too, but I just can't find a diet that works for me."

Safety at Work

Safety is a major concern at the manufacturing company where I work. So I'm constantly preaching caution to the workers I supervise.  "Does anyone know," I asked a few guys, "what the speed limit is in our parking lot?"  The long silence that followed was interrupted when one of them piped up. "That depends. Do you mean coming to work or leaving?"

Urgent Newspaper Corrections

·        IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

·        From a California bar association's newsletter: Correction -- the following typo appeared in our last bulletin: "Lunch will be gin at 12:15 p.m." Please orrect to read "12 noon."

·        In Frank Washburn's March column, Rebecca Varney was erroneously identified as a bookmaker. She is a typesetter.

·        There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

·        In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.

·        Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

·        Yesterday we mistakenly reported that a talk was given by a bottle-scared hero. We apologize for the error. We obviously meant that the talk was given by a battle-scarred hero.

·        Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

·        In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

·        The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Eye Test

When his eyes began to give him trouble, a man went to an ophthalmologist in Prague.  The doctor showed the patient the eye chart, displaying the letters CVKPNWXSCZ.  "Can you read that?" the doctor asked.  "Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated his sister!"

Punctuation

An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Punctuation is everything!

Toy Disclaimers

-        Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

-        Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.

-        Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

-        No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

-        Some dismemberment may occur.

-        In case of breakage, scream until Dad buys a replacement.

-        Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

-        Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.

-        Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.

-        Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

Airhead

So there's this Airhead who thinks ...

... you can't use an AM radio at night.

... a quarterback is a refund.

... General Motors is in the army.

... Boyz II Men is a day care center.

... Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

... Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

Weight for Help

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, admiring a set of weights.  "Please, Dad," pleaded the boy, "I promise I'll use 'em every day."  "I don't know, Michael. It's really a commitment on your part," the father pointed out.  "Please, Dad?" the boy continued.  "They're not cheap either," the father came back.  "I'll use 'em Dad, I promise. You'll see."  Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.  From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?"

Today’s Thought

I started reading a book about anti-gravity and now I can’t put it down.

Friday's Funnies

Signs You're Getting Too Old To Drive

-        You think an SUV might be too small to be safe.

-        It takes more than four minutes to get out of your car.

-        When backing into a parking spot, you just back up until you hear something.

-        It scares you to drive the speed limit.

-        The only thing you pass on the road anymore is the Amish.

-        You use cruise control because your leg fell asleep.

-        You use cruise control at 25 mph.

-        You inquired if the dealership could install magnifying glass for the windshield.

-        Your turn signal has been on since 2003.

-        Your bumper sticker endorses Eisenhower.

Fractions

Our school's math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard. He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator the bottom. Leaning against the board, he asked the class, "Are there any questions?"  When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room. "Mr. Alexander," one student giggled, "you have chalk dust all over your denominator!"

 Ponderisms

1.  Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try  spelling Evian backwards : NAIVE
     
2.   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
   
3.   If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

4.   Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
       
5.   Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
   
6.  Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
   
7.   Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?  

8.   I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole  lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're  cramming for their final  exam.

9.  I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use?   Toothpicks?

10.    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
   
11.   Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

12.   Whatever happened to Preparations A through  G?

Bar joke

A sailor in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Marine joke?"  The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs, and I'm a Marine. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, weighs 225, and he's a Marine. The fella next to him is 6'5" tall, weighs 250, and he's also a Marine. Now, you still wanna tell that joke?''  The sailor says, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it three times."

African Safari

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!"   Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"  Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"  Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.  The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"  The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

CEO

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.  On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!  The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"  A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300 a week. Why?"  The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."   Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"  From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Today’s Though

If a grizzly bear had no teeth, would you call it a gummy bear?

Friday's Funnies

Time

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I cannot look that old?" Well, I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?  Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way, way too old to have been my classmate...or could he?  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.   "Yes. Yes. I did...I'm a Morgan Mustang," he gleamed with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"  "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely...and that ugly, old, wrinkled jerk asked, "What did you teach?"

Grades

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he confided in his teacher: "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Last Word

There was a feud between the Pastor and the Choir Director of The Hicksville Southern Baptist Church.  It seems the first hint of trouble came when the Pastor preached on "dedicating yourselves to service" and the Choir Director chose to sing: "I Shall Not Be Moved."  Trying to believe it was a coincidence, the Pastor put the incident behind him.  The next Sunday he preached on "giving." Afterwards, the choir squirmed as the Director led them in the hymn: "Jesus Paid It All."  By this time, the Pastor was losing his temper. Sunday morning attendance swelled as the tension between the two built. A large crowd showed up the next week to hear his sermon on "the sin of gossiping."  Would you believe the Choir Director selected: "I Love To Tell The Story."  There was no turning back. The following Sunday the Pastor told the congregation that unless something changed he was considering resignation. The entire church gasped when the Choir Director led them in: "Why Not Tonight."  Truthfully, no one was surprised when the Pastor resigned a week later; explaining that Jesus had led him there and Jesus was leading him away.  The Choir Director could not resist: "What A Friend We Have In Jesus."

Cross-country Trip

Four guys are driving cross-country together -- one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and the last one is from New York.  After a while the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window.  The man from Iowa asks, "What in the world are you doing?"  The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho -- I'm sick of looking at them!"  A few more miles, and the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing?"  The man from Iowa replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Iowa -- I'm sick of looking at them!"  Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.

Q&A

Q: What do you call a snobbish inmate going down the prison stairs?

A: A condescending con descending.

Three Wishes 

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went in to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."   The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten."  The woman said, "That's okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to. "The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM! she's the most beautiful woman in the world.  For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."  The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM! she's the richest woman in the world.  The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

ADDITIONAL:

But wait! There's more...

The man actually had a heart attack ten times MILDER than his wife. Duh.

Games Old People Play

1. Sag, you're It.

2. Hide and go wee.

3. Twenty questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Musical recliners.

6. Simon says something incoherent.

7. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

The Porch Painter

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.  "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch. How much will you charge me?"  Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"  The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.  The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"  "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.  The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."  A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.  "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."  Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.  "Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Mercedes."

Today’s Thought

Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.

Friday's Funnies

The Next Survivor Series

Six married men will be dropped on an island with 1 car and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks. Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes. There is no access to fast food.  Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc. The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done. There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.  The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves, either while driving or while making four lunches. They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a.m.; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4-year-old to eat a serving of peas.  The kids vote them off the island, based on performance.  The last man wins only if he has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.  If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right to be called "Mother."

Top Ten Complaints From Biblical Mothers or Wives

10.  Eve to Adam: "You never take me anywhere different to eat!"

 

9.  Sarah to Abraham: "Maybe if you stopped treating me like your sister, we could start a family!" (Gen 12:19)

 

8.  Elizabeth to John the Baptist: "I cook you a nice meal and all you want is locust, locust, locust!"

 

7.  Pharaoh's Daughter to Moses: "Stop parting the bath water, Moses, and wash behind those ears!"

 

6.  David's mom to Jesse, her husband: "Do you really think it was a good idea to get David that sling? He's going to put someone's eye out with that thing!"

 

5.  Manoah's wife to her son Samson: "Can't you clean the sink after you shampoo? I'm sick of all these long hairs!"

 

4.  Elizabeth to Mary: "I love talking to you, Mary, really I do, but can you speak a little softer? This kid just won't stop doing the rhumba in my tummy!" (Luke 1:44)

 

3.  Mary to Joseph: "I TOLD you to make reservations!"

 

2.  Herodias to her daughter: "I told Herod that if he didn't do something about this John nut, I would make sure the problem came to a head!"

 

And the number one complaint made by a biblical mother or wife is:

 

1.  Pilate's wife to Pilate after the resurrection: "You never listen to me, do you? How do you feel now Mr. Wash-Your-Hands-In-Public?!" (Mat 27:19)

You’re A Mom If....

·        You stand up to take pictures at your son's school play even after they've asked people not to.

·        You insist your child wear a sweater when YOU'RE cold.

·        You tell your daughter how much prettier she looks with her hair out of her eyes.

·        You hear yourself say [things like], "Your face will freeze like that," and "If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?"

·        There's a used Kleenex stuffed up your shirtsleeve.

·        The first thing you ask when someone walks into your home is, "Do you want something to eat?"

·        You spend your vacation wondering if you left the iron turned on.

·        Your daughter says smugly that she'll never be anything like you.

What Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Today’s Thought

A mother can touch a whole generation just by loving her own child well.