Friday's Funnies

Food Tax

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. "Do you serve tax collectors?" he asks the waiter. "Of course," says the waiter. "Well," replies the man, "I'll have a Coke, and my alligator will have a tax collector."

Swallowing a Coin

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his shoulders and hit him with a few strong, swift strokes on the back. Immediately the boy coughed the coin out. "I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started. "Oh, I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

Tax Code Wisdom

The U.S. Tax Code is pretty complex, but sometimes there are little nuggets of clarity that really make sense. Yesterday in my class we read from the Internal Revenue Code. Section 708(a) of the Internal Revenue Code states: "...an existing partnership shall be considered as continuing if it is not terminated." I guess it's just like an individual shall be considered as alive if he or she is not dead.

Mail Fraud

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped." "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?" "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

Flag Tax

A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American. "Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills and blue after we pay them." The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA — only we see stars, too!"

Funny Church Signs

When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the chapel reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.” Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

When I become old

When I’m a little old lady, then I’ll live with my children and bring them great joy. To repay all I’ve had from each girl and boy, I shall draw on the walls and scuff up the floor; run in and out without closing the door. I’ll hide frogs in the pantry, socks under my bed. And whenever they scold me, I’ll hang my head. I’ll run and I’ll romp, always fritter away ….. the time to be spent doing chores every day. I’ll pester my children when they are on the phone. As long as they’re busy I won’t leave them alone. Hide candy in closets, rocks in a drawer … and never pick up what I drop on the floor. Dash off to the movies and not wash a dish. I’ll plead for allowance whenever I wish. I’ll stuff up the plumbing and deluge the floor. As soon as they’ve mopped it, I’ll flood it some more. When they correct me, I’ll lie down and cry, kicking and screaming, not a tear in my eye. I’ll take all their pencils and flashlights, and then .. when they buy new ones, I’ll take them again. I’ll spill glasses of milk to complete every meal …. Eat my banana and just drop the peel. Put toys on the table, spill jam on the floor. I’ll break lots of dishes as though I were four. What fun I shall have, what joy it will be to Live with my children….just the way that they lived with me!

The speaker

A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he is doing and says; “I’m sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home.” A voice from the back of the room says, “There’s a calendar behind you.”

Mother's Dictionary

Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Dad to get up at 2 am also.

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the children play outside.

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

Look out: What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything.

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge.”

Friday's Funnies

Equal Time

When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say, 'And all girls.' This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing. My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, 'Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?' Her response, 'Because everybody always finishes their prayers by saying 'All Men'!'

Powerful Shopper

In a shop, two men struck up a conversation. Just as one fellow said that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power outage caused the lights to flicker overhead. 'That,' he sighed, 'must be her checking out now.'

True Answer

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
Maria: Here it is.
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: Maria.

Scheduling Courtesy

Suffering from a bad case of the flu, a man phoned his doctor for to get an appointment. When he was told the scheduled date of the appointment, he became outraged and bellowed, "Three weeks? The doctor can't see me for three weeks? I could well be dead by then!" Calmly, the receptionist replied, "If so, would you have your wife call to cancel the appointment?"

What She Said

Maury and his wife showed up to a very popular restaurant, but it was very crowded. Mrs. Maury went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess appeared to ignore her and kept writing in her book. So she asked again, "How much of a wait?" The hostess then looked up and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later they heard an announcement over the loudspeaker, "Willete B. Long, your table is ready."

What's Wrong with Lawyer Jokes?

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think they're jokes.

Murphy's Laws on Work

• Everything can be filed under 'miscellaneous.'
• To err is human; to forgive is not company policy.
• Important documents that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• The authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens he/she is carrying.
• No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

Learning to drive

I had given our daughter, who was 15 at the time, a drivers manual. On the way to town one day, I was coaching her as I drove. I told her to be studying her book so as to be ready when it came time to get her driver’s permit. “Oh, she said, “I already know everything in the book.” “You do?” I returned. “Yep”, she said, very smugly. I thought, “OK, I’ll give her a hard one.” So I asked her, “How many feet does it take to stop the car if you are driving 60 miles an hour and have to slam on the brakes real hard?” “One,” she replied. “What?” I asked. “One?!” She repeated her answer and then because of the confused look on my face, she added, “One, Mom. You always told me never to use my left foot on the brakes, only use my right one.”

Job Interview Question

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”

Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

Friday's Funnies

One Moment, Please...

A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150." After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."

That's Cold

It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

Good Answer

Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Winnie: Me!

First-Hand Evidence

An impish boy turned over the porta-pottie at his father's contruction site. His father later questioned him about it and the boy confessed to the prank. His father spanked him for committing the vandalism. But the boy protested that George Washington's father did not spank him because he told the truth. The boy's father looked squarely in his eyes and said, "Yes, but George Washington's father was not in the cherry tree when he chopped it down."

We could have been here sooner

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”

“Hey, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here 10 years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”

Wedding Jokes - One Liners by the Famous

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced pain and bought jewelry. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, ‘There’s water in the carburetor’. I said, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In the lake’. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

There’s only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

Ten minute wait

I called to make airline reservations and was put on hold. After several minutes of taped music, a recorded voice came on: “If you have been waiting longer than 10 minutes, you may press eight. If your call is not answered within five more minutes, you may press seven. This will not speed up your call, but it will give you something to do while you wait.”

How to Start the Day and Feel Really Good

Open a new file on your computer.

Entitle it ‘Housework.’

Place it in the Recycle Bin.

Empty the Recycle Bin.

Your computer will ask you, ‘Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?’

Answer ‘Yes’ and click the left mouse button firmly.

Now you feel much better

Funny Church Signs

Notice in a church parking lot. Trespassers will be baptized.

If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?

Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.

No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.

Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

In the dark? Follow the Son.

Good Experience

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?" "Well," she answers, "I've been divorced three times."

Friday's Funnies

April Fool's Day...

One radio station prank took place on April Fool’s Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house. Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings. Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.

A Direct Response

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade, Mrs. Frobisher said, "Dewey, give me a sentence with a direct object." Dewey replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school." "Thank you, Dewey," responded Mrs. Frobisher, "but what is the object?" Dewey replied, "To get the best grade possible."

It Hurts All Over

A woman walks into the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I hurt all over." And the doctor says, "That's impossible." "No, really!" she said, " Just look -- when I touch my arm, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch! it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts," she replies. The doctor just shakes his head and says, "You're a natural blond, aren't you?" The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?" The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Putting Words In His Mouth

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text. "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life," he told the audience. "She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause he looked up with a sly grin and said, "It's really hard to read my mom's handwriting."

Father's Wisdom

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him? Louis: Because George still had the axe in his hand...

When I Was Young

A computer was something on TV
From a science fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that really mega bytes.

An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for a while.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu.

Author Unknown

WHERE is my Sunday paper!

The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY". There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..."Well, that explains why no one was at church either.”

Grocery Math

In a grocery store a cashier held up a small dairy carton and yelled to a co-worker, "How much is half-and-half?" Without a moment's hesitation the other cashier replied, "One."

The Lecture

A retired gentleman is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "My wife."

Oh...

An elderly man told his pastor about a variety of health problems. His hearing was going as well as his eyesight. He couldn't remember things. He told the pastor, "I don't know why God just doesn't take me." His pastor tried to reassure him by saying, "God must still have something for you to do." The old man snapped, "Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not going to do it."