Imaginative Logic
This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper. Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air-conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town. Go inside and figure dinner out yourself." So he went back into the house and fixed himself a big steak with potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall glass of iced tea. The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where's mine?" He said, "Huh, I thought you were out of town."
Job Over
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Moving Experience
My wife coordinates get-well gifts for our church members who are in the hospital. Recently she visited a member who was recuperating from a kidney stone operation. Not knowing the nature of his illness, she presented him with a copy of Max Lucado's book, "He Still Moves Stones."
The Signal
Like every Sunday morning my son, David (five years old), attended church with us. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible. This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector. My child immediately raised his hand and said, "It means Daddy's cooking dinner."
Country Western songs
What do you get when you play a County & Western song backwards?
You get your wife back.
You get your kids back.
You get your house back.
You get your truck back.
You get your dog back.
How Fights Start........
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started....
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started.....
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started...
A Blonde's Year in Review
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!! .......bottles won't fit in printer!!!
March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months........ Box said ' 2-4 years!'
April - Trapped on escalator for hours..... Power went out!!!
May - Tried to make Kool-Aid..... wrong instructions.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June - Tried to go water skiing....... Couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July – Nearly drowned..... Why would anyone put a scratch–n–sniff on the bottom of the pool!!!
August- Got locked out of my car in rain storm...... Car swamped because soft-top was open.
September - The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???
October - Hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel.
November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December - Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Promised Rewards
A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant afterwards. During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?" The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!"
Oh
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to them, hoping to use their soon-to-be vacated space. "No," said the man. "Just friends."
Dogged Insistence
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well."
The Diagnosis
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "That's amazing!" exclaimed the doctor. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!" The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this." "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged. The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need five dollars. Only five bucks. Please!!" "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?' Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?' A five-year-old boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'
Puns For Educated Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. A backward poet writes inverse.
16. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
28. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
Accents
People from the North make way too many jokes about Southern accents. It goes both ways, a friend from Oklahoma pointed out. A professor in her business class asked, "Who can tell me what a quota is?" A girl from New York raised her hand and said, "Twenty-five cents".
A young girl's parents decided to take her to visit a new church one Sunday morning. As a small bribe, they told her that if she were good during the service they would take her to her favorite restaurant afterwards. During the pastor's rather fiery sermon on the destination of the good versus the destination of the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice. "And where do you think those who live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go?" The girl stood in her seat and cried out, "To my favorite restaurant!"
Oh
I was driving around and around a parking garage in search of an available space. Nothing. Then I noticed a couple walking ahead of me. "Going out?" I called to them, hoping to use their soon-to-be vacated space. "No," said the man. "Just friends."
Dogged Insistence
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a big dog emptying wastebaskets. The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him. The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job." "Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it. Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!" "No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well."
The Diagnosis
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear: "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "That's amazing!" exclaimed the doctor. "That's nothing, Doc. Put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say: "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!" The doctor was dumbfounded. "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never come across anything like this." "Wait Doc, that's not all. There's more, just put your ear to my ankle," the man urged. The doctor did so and was blown away to hear his ankle plead: "Please, I just need five dollars. Only five bucks. Please!!" "I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. He frantically searched all his medical reference books. "There's nothing about it in here." The doctor thought hard for a moment and then said, "Let me try to make a well educated guess. Based on all my previous experience, I can tell you this much: your leg seems to be broke in three places."
Heaven
I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?' 'NO!' the children answered. 'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?' Again, the answer was, 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?' I asked them again. Again, they all answered, 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them. 'Well,' I continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?' A five-year-old boy shouted out, 'YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.'
Puns For Educated Minds
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian . 3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
13. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
14. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
15. A backward poet writes inverse.
16. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
17. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
28. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
Accents
People from the North make way too many jokes about Southern accents. It goes both ways, a friend from Oklahoma pointed out. A professor in her business class asked, "Who can tell me what a quota is?" A girl from New York raised her hand and said, "Twenty-five cents".
Friday, April 16, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Return Policy
A woman who was trying on a floor-length mink coat admired herself in it, and said to the clerk, "If my husband doesn't like it, will you promise me that you'll refuse to take it back?"
The Help
A father was showing pictures of his wedding to his young son. The boy asked, "Is that when Mother came to work for us?"
Topsy Turvy
Sign spotted in a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs."
The Toll
Notice seen by a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
Just Checking
If you find any mistakes in this publication, they are there for a purpose. We try to offer something for everyone. Some people always look for mistakes, and we don't want to disappoint them.
The sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons ... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
10 Reasons It Stinks To Work in a Cubicle...
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though.)
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, OF COURSE SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU! "
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, SIR, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, GRANDMA, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THAT TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US". THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS! GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "OH YES, I REMEMBER."
A woman who was trying on a floor-length mink coat admired herself in it, and said to the clerk, "If my husband doesn't like it, will you promise me that you'll refuse to take it back?"
The Help
A father was showing pictures of his wedding to his young son. The boy asked, "Is that when Mother came to work for us?"
Topsy Turvy
Sign spotted in a London department store: "Bargain Basement Upstairs."
The Toll
Notice seen by a farmer's field: "The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges."
Just Checking
If you find any mistakes in this publication, they are there for a purpose. We try to offer something for everyone. Some people always look for mistakes, and we don't want to disappoint them.
The sermon
One beautiful Sunday morning, a minister announced to his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons ... a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. "Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver."
10 Reasons It Stinks To Work in a Cubicle...
10. Being told to 'Think outside the Box' when you're in a box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.
8. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. Always having that nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese!
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. There are 23 power cords but only ONE outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger... they also have beds.
2. When tours come through, you get lots of peanuts thrown at you.
1. You can't slam the door when you quit and walk out. (I have a piece of cardboard with a knob drawn on it. I slam that quite often. Not the same effect as wood, though.)
LIFE AFTER DEATH
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES. "YES, OF COURSE SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED. "WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU! "
PALM SUNDAY
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY." "WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?" THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, SIR, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
FIRST TIME USHERS
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES. WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?" "NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS
"OH, GRANDMA, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THAT TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US". THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED. "I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS! GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK. I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?" MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... "OH YES, I REMEMBER."
Friday, April 9, 2010
Friday's Funnies
A Crazy Test
Visiting the psych ward, Jon asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," Jon said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Welcome. Would you like a bed near a window?"
Bank Stimulus
Husband: "Hey, the bank just returned this check."
Wife: "Isn't that nice of them? What can we buy with it this time?"
Mothers At The Mall
A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby. Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked. "No, they're three months apart." "My! You sure had them close together."
For Lexophiles
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium, at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
38. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Lost In The Translation
A friend ran the following through Google translate 6 times and the results are hilarious.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could.
French
Combien de bois serait un mandrin marmotte, si une marmotte pouvait Chuck bois?
Une marmotte serait Chuck autant de bois comme une marmotte pouvait.
Arabic
كيف الخشب بكثير فإن تشوك الفأر الجبلي الفأر الجبلي إذا كان يمكن أن تشاك الخشب؟
الفأر الجبلي والخشب وتشاك بقدر ما يمكن أن الفأر الجبلي.
Latvian
Cik daudz koka, Chuck Woodchuck Woodchuck ja viņš varētu spīļpatronu koka?
Woodchuck, Koks un Chuck cik vien iespējams, pele kalnu.
Bulgarian
Колко дърво, северноамерикански мармот северноамерикански мармот Чък, ако той може да патронник дърво?
Северноамерикански мармот, дърво и Чък, доколкото е възможно, мишка планината.
Welsh
Sut taflu llawer woodchuck pren woodchuck os gallai chuck bren?
Woodchuck, taflu pren ac mor bell ag y bo modd, mynydd llygoden.
And back to English:
How to throw a lot woodchuck could chuck wood woodchuck if a timber?
Woodchuck, discarded wood and as far as possible, mountain mouse.
Kids Know Best
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Jon, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Visiting the psych ward, Jon asked how doctors decide to institutionalize a patient. "Well," the director said, "we fill a bathtub, then offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient, and ask him to empty the tub." "I get it," Jon said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest." "No," the director said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Welcome. Would you like a bed near a window?"
Bank Stimulus
Husband: "Hey, the bank just returned this check."
Wife: "Isn't that nice of them? What can we buy with it this time?"
Mothers At The Mall
A young mother was standing outside a mall holding her six-month-old baby and her sister's three-month-old baby. Two elderly women approached the mother. "Are they twins?" one asked. "No, they're three months apart." "My! You sure had them close together."
For Lexophiles
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium, at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
30. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
38. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Lost In The Translation
A friend ran the following through Google translate 6 times and the results are hilarious.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? A woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could.
French
Combien de bois serait un mandrin marmotte, si une marmotte pouvait Chuck bois?
Une marmotte serait Chuck autant de bois comme une marmotte pouvait.
Arabic
كيف الخشب بكثير فإن تشوك الفأر الجبلي الفأر الجبلي إذا كان يمكن أن تشاك الخشب؟
الفأر الجبلي والخشب وتشاك بقدر ما يمكن أن الفأر الجبلي.
Latvian
Cik daudz koka, Chuck Woodchuck Woodchuck ja viņš varētu spīļpatronu koka?
Woodchuck, Koks un Chuck cik vien iespējams, pele kalnu.
Bulgarian
Колко дърво, северноамерикански мармот северноамерикански мармот Чък, ако той може да патронник дърво?
Северноамерикански мармот, дърво и Чък, доколкото е възможно, мишка планината.
Welsh
Sut taflu llawer woodchuck pren woodchuck os gallai chuck bren?
Woodchuck, taflu pren ac mor bell ag y bo modd, mynydd llygoden.
And back to English:
How to throw a lot woodchuck could chuck wood woodchuck if a timber?
Woodchuck, discarded wood and as far as possible, mountain mouse.
Kids Know Best
A three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed that the left was on the right and the right was on the left. She said, "Jon, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her and said, "No they're not, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."
Friday, April 2, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Closing For Good
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!" It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.
CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “what is in here?” “I know!” A little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”
Anyone Else?
In his search for a bird's nest, a man fell over a cliff, but saved himself by clinging to a branch. Not knowing how to get back up, he heard a voice that said, "I can help you. I am the Lord. Do you believe I can help you?" "Of course," the man said. "I trust You completely." "Then," said the Lord, "let go and I will take care of you." Silence. "Well, what do you say?" the Lord asked. Again, a long silence, before the man called out, "Is there anyone else up there?"
Vacation Time
My husband was describing our upcoming holiday at a resort to our four children, aged three to nine. It was at a place where the beds would be made, he told them, the meals would be cooked, and all the cleaning would be done for us. Our oldest child looked puzzled, asking, "Then what's Mommy coming for?"
Economic Stimulus Payment Explained
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Oh, be quiet.
New businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
Kids will be kids
Our six children always hear their home schooling mom lecture on the importance of reading. Amanda, 2 1/2, was greatly impressed one day as she observed her great-grandmother put newspaper on the bathroom floor and shut in her puppy. Surprised, Amanda queried, "Puppy reading?"
Sue Hendrickson / Denton, Texas
According to our seven-year-old, the Declaration of Independence is when "they signed everyone up for freedom!"
Mary Detweiler / Akron, Ohio
I was puzzled by an answer given by a student to the question: "How many right angles does a square have?" He kept responding, "Two." Just how inadequate my explanation of right angles had been was made clear as he continued, "A square has two right angles . . . and two left angles."
Kristin H. Johnson / Englewood, Colorado
Austin requested prayer from his kindergarten teacher for his hospitalized grandfather. "What's wrong with him?" she asked. "I don't know," Austin replied. "All I know is that he is in 'expensive care.'"
Mary E. Davis / Pitman, New Jersey
After a particularly rousing song, our pregnant song leader said, "Whew, the bigger I get, the more out of breath I get." A kindergartner sighed sympathetically, "Me too."
Nicole Callan / St. Louis, Missouri
Each week, our spelling list includes a book of the Bible. My nine-year-old was relieved to learn the meaning of Lamentations. "Oh, good! I thought it was something from inside a lamb!"
Janice Elder/ Columbus, North Carolina
In October, we celebrate Winnie-the-Pooh's birthday. So for the occasion, I wore a Winnie-the-Pooh shirt and Pooh socks, even though they didn't exactly match. When one of my preschoolers saw the outfit, she asked, "Did you want to wear that or did your mommy make you?"
Pamela Beckelhymer / Lafayette, Indiana
We drive an older model van that often has operational difficulties. One morning as our five children clambered into the van for the mile drive to school, Jonathan, age four, leaned over the seat and asked. "Which part of the van are we praying for this morning?"
Joyce Bentch / Cleburne, Texas
Once a week, my children complete an exercise in locating information on various subjects. One of the questions Sean had to answer was, "What do you call the head of a synagogue?" Dumfounded, he told his sister, "I don't even know what kind of animal a synagogue is!"
Janis Hardimann / Melrose, Massachusetts
I was standing in line at the bank when there was a commotion at the counter. A woman was distressed, exclaiming, "Where will I put my money?! I have all my money and my mortgage here!! What will happen to my mortgage?!" It turned out that she had misunderstood a small sign on the counter. The sign read, WE WILL BE CLOSED FOR GOOD FRIDAY.
CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “what is in here?” “I know!” A little boy exclaimed. “Pantyhose!”
Anyone Else?
In his search for a bird's nest, a man fell over a cliff, but saved himself by clinging to a branch. Not knowing how to get back up, he heard a voice that said, "I can help you. I am the Lord. Do you believe I can help you?" "Of course," the man said. "I trust You completely." "Then," said the Lord, "let go and I will take care of you." Silence. "Well, what do you say?" the Lord asked. Again, a long silence, before the man called out, "Is there anyone else up there?"
Vacation Time
My husband was describing our upcoming holiday at a resort to our four children, aged three to nine. It was at a place where the beds would be made, he told them, the meals would be cooked, and all the cleaning would be done for us. Our oldest child looked puzzled, asking, "Then what's Mommy coming for?"
Economic Stimulus Payment Explained
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. No, they are borrowing it from China. Your children and grandchildren are expected to repay the Chinese.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Oh, be quiet.
New businessman
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Sure. I've come to install the phone!"
Kids will be kids
Our six children always hear their home schooling mom lecture on the importance of reading. Amanda, 2 1/2, was greatly impressed one day as she observed her great-grandmother put newspaper on the bathroom floor and shut in her puppy. Surprised, Amanda queried, "Puppy reading?"
Sue Hendrickson / Denton, Texas
According to our seven-year-old, the Declaration of Independence is when "they signed everyone up for freedom!"
Mary Detweiler / Akron, Ohio
I was puzzled by an answer given by a student to the question: "How many right angles does a square have?" He kept responding, "Two." Just how inadequate my explanation of right angles had been was made clear as he continued, "A square has two right angles . . . and two left angles."
Kristin H. Johnson / Englewood, Colorado
Austin requested prayer from his kindergarten teacher for his hospitalized grandfather. "What's wrong with him?" she asked. "I don't know," Austin replied. "All I know is that he is in 'expensive care.'"
Mary E. Davis / Pitman, New Jersey
After a particularly rousing song, our pregnant song leader said, "Whew, the bigger I get, the more out of breath I get." A kindergartner sighed sympathetically, "Me too."
Nicole Callan / St. Louis, Missouri
Each week, our spelling list includes a book of the Bible. My nine-year-old was relieved to learn the meaning of Lamentations. "Oh, good! I thought it was something from inside a lamb!"
Janice Elder/ Columbus, North Carolina
In October, we celebrate Winnie-the-Pooh's birthday. So for the occasion, I wore a Winnie-the-Pooh shirt and Pooh socks, even though they didn't exactly match. When one of my preschoolers saw the outfit, she asked, "Did you want to wear that or did your mommy make you?"
Pamela Beckelhymer / Lafayette, Indiana
We drive an older model van that often has operational difficulties. One morning as our five children clambered into the van for the mile drive to school, Jonathan, age four, leaned over the seat and asked. "Which part of the van are we praying for this morning?"
Joyce Bentch / Cleburne, Texas
Once a week, my children complete an exercise in locating information on various subjects. One of the questions Sean had to answer was, "What do you call the head of a synagogue?" Dumfounded, he told his sister, "I don't even know what kind of animal a synagogue is!"
Janis Hardimann / Melrose, Massachusetts
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