Curious when I found two black-and-white negatives in a drawer, I had them made into prints. I was pleasantly surprised to see that they were of a younger, slimmer me, taken on one of my first dates with my husband.
When I showed him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"
+++++
Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived. One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, "This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!"
The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, "No we're not. I make over $250,000 a week."
The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. "Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water. We are going to die!" The other man, unruffled, again responded. "No, I make over $250,000 a week."
Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, "For the last time, I'm telling you we ARE doomed.
There is NO one else on this island. There is NO food There is NO water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die a slow death!"
Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “Do not make me say this again. I make over $250,000 per week. I am a Baptist and, I tithe (scroll down)
MY PASTOR WILL FIND US!"
+++++
A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says NO -- he only lives a mile away. About five blocks from the party, the police pull him over. They check his license and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house around the block. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they'll be right back and they run around the corner to the robbery. The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day. A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. Smith is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been there all day. The police still have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage. She opens the door. There sitting in the garage is the police car, with all its lights still flashing. True story; told by the driver at his first AA meeting.
+++++
LETTER FROM AN OKLAHOMA FARM KID
(NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Svenson by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 AM but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches’, which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat. The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Devils Lake - I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,
Alice Gasman
Friday, September 28, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Funnies for 9/21/07
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie. Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are. The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend....
+++++
RIPE OLD AGE
Grandma decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
QUARTET
A Gospel Quartet had just finished singing at a church in Tennessee. The baritone and bass singer were seen standing at the base of the flagpole near the front of the church, looking up. The tenor walked by and asked what they were doing. "The Pastor asked us if we could measure the height of the flagpole," said the bass, "but we don't have a ladder." The tenor took a wrench from the bus, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. He then took a tape measure from his pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. The bass singer shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a Tenor? We ask for the height and he gives us the length."
TIRED....
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool iced tea and a comforting word. "Goodness, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
PLEASE....
Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.
"DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN..."
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- A radio station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
+++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95, and
Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds, "Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with":
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewelry
Ken's money
Ken's computer, and
Ken's best friend....
+++++
RIPE OLD AGE
Grandma decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him a litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tired and slower, etc. He responded, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."
QUARTET
A Gospel Quartet had just finished singing at a church in Tennessee. The baritone and bass singer were seen standing at the base of the flagpole near the front of the church, looking up. The tenor walked by and asked what they were doing. "The Pastor asked us if we could measure the height of the flagpole," said the bass, "but we don't have a ladder." The tenor took a wrench from the bus, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. He then took a tape measure from his pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away. The bass singer shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a Tenor? We ask for the height and he gives us the length."
TIRED....
The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall, cool iced tea and a comforting word. "Goodness, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?" "It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
PLEASE....
Blanche: Herb, if you don't stop snoring, I'm going to toss you out on your ear!
Herb: Does it upset you that much?
Blanche: Not just me, the entire congregation.
"DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN..."
- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- You open a can of soup, and the lid falls in.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
- You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- A radio station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago, and now you can't find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
+++++
Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails. One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.
"Great idea, Honey," he smiled. "You can eat them straight out of the box."
Friday, September 14, 2007
Funnies for 9/14/07
On a Sunday morning a mother knocks on her son's bedroom door and tells him it's time to get up and go to church.
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says. "You have to get up and go to church", says mother. "No, I'm not." says the son. "Yes you are", says the mother. "No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go."
"Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
+++++
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
+++++
Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy!
Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober...
+++++
A man walks into a store and asks: "In what aisle could I find Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says; "Are you Polish"?
The man (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. ... But let me ask you something. If I’d asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I’d asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? ... Would you?
The clerk says, "Well, no! I probably wouldn't"!
With great indignation, the man then asked; "Well, then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied; ... "Because, Sir, you're at Home Depot."
+++++
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
+++++
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
+++++
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
"I'm not going to church this morning," the son says. "You have to get up and go to church", says mother. "No, I'm not." says the son. "Yes you are", says the mother. "No, I'm not. They don't like me and I don't like them." says the son. "Give me two good reasons why I have to go."
"Number one, you're 55 years old and number two, you're the pastor!"
+++++
After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.
Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."
+++++
Dear Abby: Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby: My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy!
Dear Abby: I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober...
+++++
A man walks into a store and asks: "In what aisle could I find Polish sausage?"
The clerk looks at him and says; "Are you Polish"?
The man (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. ... But let me ask you something. If I’d asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I’d asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would you? ... Would you?
The clerk says, "Well, no! I probably wouldn't"!
With great indignation, the man then asked; "Well, then why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?"
The clerk replied; ... "Because, Sir, you're at Home Depot."
+++++
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
+++++
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.
He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
+++++
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."
Friday, September 7, 2007
Funnies for 9/7/07
Working people frequently ask 'retired people' what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said, "Hillary in '08”… I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
+++++
In a small conservative Midwestern town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!
+++++
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
+++++
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing." "Thank you," the visiting preacher replied. "Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
+++++
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
+++++
LIFE'S UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS
When they invented the internet, why did they decide to use "www" when every other letter of the alphabet is just one syllable and much easier to say?
Why do our parents get so much smarter as we get older?
Why is it so important to a Mac user to convince me that his computer is better than mine?
Why do we have answers to our friend's problems and not our own?
Why do Sundays fly by and Mondays last forever?
What is it about car keys and remote controls that make them so hard to find?
+++++
In a small conservative Midwestern town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers.
Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.
The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.
The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court.
As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't!
+++++
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture. When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."
"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?" He took his problem to his best friend, Ike.
"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?"
"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi.
So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.
"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"
And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the Heavens: "Funny you should ask," said the Voice. "I, too, sent my Son to Israel . . .
+++++
After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing." "Thank you," the visiting preacher replied. "Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."
+++++
One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where did Mommy go?" In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a Tupperware party." This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled, he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, Daddy?" The man had always given his son honest answers, so he figured a simple explanation would be the best approach. "Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other." He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious pastime. Then he burst out into laughter and said, "Come on, Dad! What is it really?"
+++++
LIFE'S UNANSWERABLE QUESTIONS
When they invented the internet, why did they decide to use "www" when every other letter of the alphabet is just one syllable and much easier to say?
Why do our parents get so much smarter as we get older?
Why is it so important to a Mac user to convince me that his computer is better than mine?
Why do we have answers to our friend's problems and not our own?
Why do Sundays fly by and Mondays last forever?
What is it about car keys and remote controls that make them so hard to find?
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