Friday's Funnies

Warning

Sometimes I wonder if all that is happening is because I didn't forward that email to 25 people.

Dominating The Conversation

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children.  She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren.  "Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me...what do you think of my grandchildren?"

Aging

Old age comes at a bad time. You finally know everything just in time to forget it.

Philosophy

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam.  He picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk, and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."  Pencils flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled; some students wrote over 30 pages.  One student finished in less than a minute. He earned an A for his two word answer: "What chair?"

Details

Two businessmen walk into a diner in the countryside. They have decided to stop there for lunch, so without ordering anything they sit down, take out sandwiches from their bags and begin to eat them.  The waiter sees this and says to them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"  So the businessmen look at each other, shrug, and swap sandwiches.

Say What?

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published." The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously." "Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

The Thought Counts

On a chilly winter evening, my husband and I were snuggled together on the floor watching television. During a commercial break, he reached over and gave my foot a gentle squeeze. "Mmmmm," I said. "That's so sweet." "Actually," he admitted sheepishly, "I thought that was the remote."

Church Signs

1.       (On a sign that looked like a Ketchup bottle): "Catch Up with Jesus. Lettuce praise and relish Him. 'Cuz He loves me from my head to-ma-toes."

2.       Adam & Eve — the first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions.

3.       Forgive your enemies — it messes with their heads.

4.       Forbidden fruit causes many jams.

5.       The belief that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

6.       Tweet others as you would be tweeted.

7.       Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him right away.

Briefs

·          Sometimes I shock myself with the smart stuff I do and say. Other times I try to get out of the car with my seatbelt on.

·          I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

·          "A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children." — Dave Barry

Tit For Tat

One morning, I was called to pick up my son at the school nurse's office. When I walked through the main entrance, I noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" I asked her. "I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

Theological Argument

Four members of the clergy had a theological argument, with the three male ministers siding against the female minister.  The woman prayed, "Lord, I know I'm right. Please send us a divine sign to prove it." A big storm cloud materialized and there was a clap of thunder.  "See," said the woman. "It's a sign from above." The three clergymen disagreed, saying thunder is a common phenomenon. "Dear Lord," the woman prayed, "I need a bigger sign." This time, a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree.  "See! I told you I was right," the woman said. But the men insisted nothing had happened that couldn't be explained by natural causes.  "Help me, Lord," the woman implored. And a deep voice came from the heavens: "SSSHHHEEE'S RRRIIIGGGHHHTTT!"  The woman turned to the three clergymen and asked, "Well?"  "Okay, okay," they said. "Now it's three against two."

Password Problems

Caller: "There's something wrong with my password. Whenever I type it, it just shows stars."

Help Desk: "Those asterisks are to protect you. If someone is standing behind you, they can't read your password."

Caller: "Yeah, but they show up even when there is no one standing behind me."

Today’s Thought

A sure way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

Friday's Funnies

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

Obedient Dad

A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?" There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord, "So you get it, Daddy??!"

Best Corny Dad Jokes

·         "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"

·         "My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!"

·         "How do you get a squirrel to like you? Act like a nut."

·         "Why don't eggs tell jokes? They'd crack each other up."

·         "I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something."

·         "What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows."

·         "Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!"

·         "Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired."

·         "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."

·         "Why can't a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot."

·         "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."

·         "Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire."

·         "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y."

·         "How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles."

·         "What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!"

·         "How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it."

·         "Why did the math book look so sad? Because of all of its problems!"

·         "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese."

·         "What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers!"

·         "How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together."

Best One-Liner Dad Jokes

·         "Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field."

·         "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."

·         "I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!"

·         "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."

·         "I've got a great joke about construction, but I'm still working on it."

·         "I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me."

·         "I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!"

·         "I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since."

·         "You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine."

·         "What's brown and sticky? A stick."

·         "Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'P' is silent."

·         "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."

·         "What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk."

·         "I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!"

·         "Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!"

·         "If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?"

·         "I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know."

·         "It takes guts to be an organ donor."

·         "If you see a crime at an Apple Store, does that make you an iWitness?"

·         "I'm so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed!"

Best Dad Joke Puns

·         "It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad. It's a faux pa."

·         "Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents."

·         "Can February March? No, but April May!"

·         "How do lawyers say goodbye? We'll be suing ya!"

·         "Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable."

·         "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."

·         "Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants."

·         "I could tell a joke about pizza, but it's a little cheesy."

·         "Don't trust atoms. They make up everything!"

·         "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."

·         "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."

·         "What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar."

·         "I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!"

·         "Why are elevator jokes so classic and good? They work on many levels."

·         "Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use a honeycomb."

·         "What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta."

·         "Which state has the most streets? Rhode Island."

·         "What did the coffee report to the police? A mugging."

A Father Thoughts

• I figured out why they call our language the "Mother Tongue." Fathers never get a chance to use much of it.
• Say what you will about healthy eating and all, but I've always found it awfully difficult to explain to my son (who's 6'4" to my 6' in height), why junk food is bad for you.
• I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
• You're the world's greatest dad...although my frame of reference is limited.
• Sorry I can only afford the same Father's Day gift I gave you when I was seven.
• Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.

Today’s Thought

By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.

Friday's Funnies

Coronavirus One-Liners (Groaners)

* Finland has just closed their borders, so nobody will be crossing the Finnish line.

* Due to the quarantine, I'll only be telling inside jokes.

* There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months. Then around the year 2033, we shall witness the rise of the "quaranteens."

* World Health Organization has determined that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously being held in quarantine will be released. To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

* I'll tell you a Coronavirus joke, but you'll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

* I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to start using old newspapers. Times are rough.

* What do you call panic buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? A Wurst Kase scenario.

* The grocery stores in France look like a tornado hit them. All that's left is de brie.

* So many coronavirus jokes out there, it's a pundemic.

Just For Seniors

I was in a long line at 7:45 am at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane. He returned and tried to cut in again, but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. As he approached the line for the third time he cried out, "If you people don't let me unlock the door, none of you will ever get in to shop."

Shorts

·         Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.

·         I hope they give us two weeks’ notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds and cut our hair.

·         I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."

·         Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over six weeks.

·         You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road? That hasn't seemed so unrealistic recently.

·         The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner.

Mosquitoes

Two city boys were on their first camping trip.  The mosquitoes were so fierce the boys had to hide under their blankets to keep from being devoured.  When they saw some lightning bugs, one boy said to the other: "We might as well give up, they're coming at us with flashlights!"

Odds & Ends

·         No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.

·         A pessimist is one who complains of the noise when opportunity knocks.

·         People are often lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

·         A government bureau is where the taxpayer's shirt is kept.

·         Middle age is when your narrow waist and broad mind begin to change places.

·         Maybe if we start telling kids their brain is an app they will start using it.

Summer Camp

The first day of Summer Camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff.  He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.  The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" 

The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

Ouch

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.

Thoughts on Housekeeping

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident...I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Today’s Thought

I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.