Friday's Funnies

And Good Night

A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."

Truck

A mother was practicing the alphabet with her four-year-old son, Tommy. She showed him a picture of a truck and asked, "What is this?" "A truck," Tommy replied. Then she pointed to the letter T and asked, "What does it start with?" Without hesitation, Tommy replied, "A key!"

Inspiring Service

After a particularly inspiring worship service, a church member greeted the pastor. "Reverend, that was a wonderful sermon. You should have it published." The pastor replied, "Actually, I'm planning to have all my sermons published posthumously." "Great!" enthused the church member. "The sooner the better!"

Modern Art Museum

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.  "This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"  "No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Advice

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.  "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"  "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."  He's still sleeping on the couch.

 

All Done

My twin boys were only seven years old when their paternal grandmother announced she was getting remarried. We were all thrilled for her, since she had seemed so lonely since Grandpa passed away a few years before. We broke the news to our boys, who were sitting in the back of the car. "Grandma is getting married again," we said. Jon had a look of thoughtfulness on his face for a while. He finally asked, "Is she going to have more children?" Before we had a chance to respond, his twin brother Mike shot back this answer: "No! She can't. She already had them. It's like chicken pox. Once you get them, you can't get them again."

Good Advice

Stay away from negative people. They have a problem for every solution.

Actual Proofreading Errors  

• Important Notice: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."
• It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.
• In the City Beat section of Friday's paper, firefighter Dwight Brady was misidentified. His nickname in the department is "Dewey." Another firefighter is nicknamed "Weirdo." We apologize for our mistake.
• Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.
• In a recent edition, we referred to the chairman of Chrysler Corporation as Lee Iacoocoo. His real name is Lee Iacacca. The Gazette regrets the error.
• Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."
• In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.
• The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.
  
  

Skeptic

A new doctor had arrived in town. He could cure anything and anybody.  Everyone was amazed with what he could do - everyone except for Mr. Thompson, the town skeptic.  Grumpy old Mr. Thompson went to visit this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. When it was time for his appointment he told the doctor, "Hey, doc, I've lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothin', so what are ya goin' to do?"  The doctor scratched his head and mumbled to himself a little, then told Mr.  Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47."  So the doctor brought the jar out, opened it, and told Mr. Thompson to taste it. He tasted it and immediately spit it out, "This is gross!" he yelled. "Looks like I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Thompson," said the doctor. So Mr. Thompson went home.... very mad.  One month later, Mr. Thompson decides to go back to the doctor and try once again to expose him as a fake, by complaining of a new problem. "Doc," he started, "I can't remember anything!" Thinking he had the doctor stumped now, he waited as the doctor scratched his head, mumbled to himself a little, and told Mr. Thompson, "What you need is jar number 47, it's......"  But before the doctor could finish his sentence, Mr. Thompson was cured and fled the room!

 

Today’s Thought

 

I misplaced my dictionary. Now I'm at a loss for words.

Friday's Funnies

The Inspector

A tax collector went to a tannery. "Why haven't you paid your taxes?" the collector asked the owner of the tannery. "Business has been very bad," answered the tanner. "Do you mind if I check around the place?" asked the tax man. "Go ahead," invited the owner. "You'll see I have nothing to hide."

 

Fish defined

 

An aquatic creature that grows rapidly between the time it spits a hook and the time the angler describes it to his friends.

Dilbert's Laws of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.
2. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
3. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
4. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
5. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
6. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
7. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
8. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
9. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
10. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
11. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

 

Lost And Found

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth! The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside the cover."

 

Just A Suggestion

A preacher stood up before his congregation and said, "I have so much to say, I don't know where to begin." Someone in the pew shouted, "How about somewhere close to the end."

 

Surgery recovery

 

A surgeon was checking on a patient who had a hernia operation three days before. The doctor asked the man why he had not gotten out of bed. "I hurt," the man said. "You don't know how it feels."  "I know exactly how it feels," the doctor said. "I had the same procedure last month, and I was back at work two days later. There's no difference in our operations." "Oh yes there is," said the patient. "You had a different surgeon."

 

Church

 

As long as there have been farmers, there has been the dilemma of whether to be in church on Sunday or to make hay while the sun shines.  Like the farmer who spent Sunday morning trying to get hay in ahead of the rain. As he came down the road with a full load, he met the preacher, who looked at him reproachfully.  "Reverend," the farmer explained, "It's better to be sitting on this hay thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about hay."

 

Travel

 

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

 

The Haircut

 

Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.  One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.  When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.  Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept  money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.  Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

 

Signs

 

The other day I read a sign in the men's room: "Employees Must Wash Hands"; so I waited an hour but nobody came. I finally had to leave without an employee washing my hands.

 

Flat Tire

 

A guy discovered that he had a flat tire and pulled to the curb. He realized that he had stopped in front of the local mental health sanitarium when a patient ambled up to the fence and began teasing him.  He ignored the patient's catcalls and insults while he carefully took each lug nut off and placed it in the hubcap as he removed the tire. While trying to install the spare, he inadvertently knocked the hubcap, which spilled the lugs and all five nuts fell into the nearby storm sewer, falling beyond his reach.  The patient howled with laughter as the guy, at the end of his patience, began to vent about being stuck there until a tow truck could arrive. The patient told him, "I can help you."  The guy glared at him and said, "Sure you can."  The patient said, "No, really, I can help."  The guy reluctantly asked how. The deranged patient then said, "Take one nut off of the other three tires and put the spare on with three lugs. Then you can safely drive to a garage for the other nuts and get your tire fixed."  The guy thanked him and asked, "How did a guy like you ever think that one up?"  To which the asylum patient replied, "Well, I'm just crazy, not stupid!"

 

Today’s Thought

 

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.