Friday's Funnies

 

Sick Days

My boss said, "I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays." I said, "It must be my weekend immune system."

Proud Father

A proud father never tired of telling how smart his son Arthur was. "Arthur could recite the Gettysburg Address when he was ten years old. Lincoln didn't say it until he was fifty!"

Short Ones

·         When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

·         The skinny woman selling ice cream apologized, "Sorry for your weight."

·         If vegetarians eat vegetables, then you really have to watch out for humanitarians.

·         You can make 7 even, by removing the 's'.
You can make 6 odd, by removing the 's'.
I for one like Roman Numerals.

Thank you

Our neighbors gave us a pumpkin pie as a holiday gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. It was so inedible that we had to throw it away.  Ever gracious and tactful, my wife sent the neighbors a note. It read: "Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn't last very long in our house."

Making A Horse

A little boy was visiting a Historic Village with his mom. "Mommy, Mommy!" he cried, "I just saw a man making a horse!"  "Are you sure?" asked his mother.  "Yes," said the tot. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on the feet."

A Perfect Blend

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, "But, sir, it's fresh ground!"

Turtle Books

I went into a store to buy some books about turtles. "Hardbacks?" asked the shopkeeper. "Yes," I replied. "And they have little heads, too."

One-liners

• Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
• I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
• My teachers told me I'd never amount to much because I procrastinate so much. I told them, "Just you wait!"
• I got my husband a fridge for his birthday. His face lit up when he opened it.
• Did you hear the Energizer Bunny was arrested?  He was charged with battery.
• They say I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime I want.
• What did the big flower say to the little flower? Hi bud!
• I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection. She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.
• Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.
• Some people eat snails. They must not like fast food.

Pay Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake, but not two in a row!"

Seen This?

I had trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead and asked my husband, "Oh no, have you seen this?" "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

Why

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Quarantine.

Empty Envelope

Me to the postal carrier: This empty envelope must be from my sister Charlotte.

Postal carrier: Now why would she send you an empty envelope?

Me: We had an argument, and she's not talking to me.

Dad Joke

What is Forrest Gump's email password? 1forrest1.

Today’s Thought

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

 

Friday's Funnies

 

St. Patrick’s Day

• What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock!
• Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaf clover? You might press your luck!
• Why do we wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? Because real rocks are too heavy.
• What kind of music should you listen to on St. Patrick’s Day? Sham-rock and roll.
• Where can you always find a shamrock? In the dictionary.
• What did one shamrock say to the other when it saw a leprechaun? Look clover there.
• What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick’s Day? Game clover.
• What do you say to the smartest person you know on St. Patrick’s Day? You’re very clover!
• What does it mean if you find a four-leaf clover? That you have too much time on your hands!
• What's an Irish jig at McDonald's called? A Shamrock Shake.

 

Doctor Visit

Old Sam Johnson goes to his doctor complaining of aches and pains all over his body. After a thorough examination, the doctor gives him a clean bill of health.  "Sam, you're in excellent shape for an 85 year old man. But I'm not a magician - I can't make you any younger," says the doctor.  "Who asked you to make me younger?" says Sam. "You just make sure I get older!"

 

Random One Liners

• How do groups of angels greet each other?  Halo, halo, halo.
• Who was the best business woman in the bible?  Pharaoh's Daughter.  She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
• What excuse did Adam give his children about why he no longer lived in Eden?  Your mother ate us out of house and home!
• Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?  Samson, he brought the house down.
• Does anyone need an Ark built?  Because I Noah guy.
• How long did Cain hate his brother?  As long as he was Abel.
• Who was the first tennis player in the Bible?  Joseph, because he served in Pharaoh's court.
• Where was Solomon's temple located?  On the side of his head.
• Who is the greatest babysitter in the Bible?  David, he rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

 

Sports Jokes

What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a pig? A pork chop.

FOOTBALL PLAYER: Coach, my doctor says I can't play football anymore.
COACH: You didn't need to go to a doctor I could have told you that.

What should a runner eat before a race?
Ketchup

REPORTER: How long have you been running for?
TRACK STAR: Since I was eight years old.
REPORTER: Gee, you must be tired.

What do you get if you cross a karate expert with a tree?
Spruce Lee

GAME WARDEN: Didn't you see the sign? "It says no fishing."
BOY: I'm not fishing I'm teaching my worms how to swim.

FIRST BOY: Wow it's a run-home.
SECOND BOY: You mean a home-run.
FIRST BOY: No I mean a run-home. You just hit a ball through the neighbor's window.

LITTLE LEAGUER: Dad, what does a pitcher do when he starts to lose his eyesight?
DAD: He gets a job as an umpire.

 

Instilling Good Morals

A young mother was preparing breakfast for her two young sons--a five year-old and a three year-old. They were arguing over who would get the first pancake.  The mother, trying to instill good morals in her sons, asked them to remember What Would Jesus Do. She said that Jesus would say: "Let my brother have the first pancake."  The 5-yr-old quickly turned to the 3-yr-old and said, "You play Jesus."

 

Interview

 

Interviewer: You're asking for a pretty high salary for someone without any experience.

Interviewee: Well, this job is going to be super hard since I don't know what I'm doing.

 

Dad Joke

 

Apparently, you can't use ‘beefstew' as a password. It's not stroganoff.

 

Today’s Thought

 

The scary part is, someday these are going to be referred to as the good old days.

Friday's Funnies

 

Quarantine Jokes

 

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

 

What kind of joke do you tell during quarantine?

An inside joke.

 

The barista at Starbucks was wearing a face mask.

Me: Why are you wearing a surgical mask?

She said: I'm not, it's a coughy filter.

 

The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine.  It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.

 

After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time,

this quarantine I discovered that wasn't the reason.

 

Interview

 

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replied, "In the region of $250,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

 

Math Question

 

A 6th grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes: "A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?" After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand and with complete sincerity in his voice, answered, "A lawyer!"

 

Getting Old

 

One minute you're young and fun. The next you're turning down the stereo in the car so you can see better.

 

Laws

 

You've heard of Murphy's famous law that everything that can go wrong will go wrong? There are many other related laws. Here are a few:

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch. --Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair

Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner. --Anthony's Law of the Workshop

Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. --Tussman's Law

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. --Lowery's Law

The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law

There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law

Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's Biology.
2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's Physics.

Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle

The most ineffective workers will be systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage - management. --The Dilbert Principle

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. --Ehrlich's Law

It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry. --Ralph's Observation

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment

Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law

Deserted Island

 

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands. "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?" "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but every year when we pass by here he goes crazy."

 

Insomnia

 

A boxer went to a doctor for treatment of insomnia. "Have you tried counting sheep?" suggested the doctor. "It doesn't work," replied the boxer. "Whenever I get to nine, I stand up!"

 

Dad Joke

 

What did the baby bird say when he saw an orange in his nest?  Look at the orange mama laid!

 

Today’s Thought

 

You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

Friday's Funnies

 

Productivity

Because of his ongoing ability to increase office productivity, the "Employee of the Month" award again goes to Mr. Coffee.

Thoughts Sought

In a public restroom, I saw a sign that read "THINK" on the mirror above the sink. So I labelled the soap dispenser "THOAP" to match.

Verbose Vermin

A mother mouse and her daughter were suddenly attacked by a cat! The mother mouse yelled, "Woof! Arf! Bark!" The cat immediately ran away in terror. The mother mouse looked to her daughter. "See," she said. "It's important to know a foreign language!"

Cold Comfort

My landlord texted me saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is. I replied back: "Sure, my door is always open."

 

Look Out

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season.  When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. I heard one man say to his wife, "Look, honey, here comes your anesthesiologist."

 

Daddy Said

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us." The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked. The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

 

Parking Meter

On a visit to Boston, I noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken." A skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building. "What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"

 

Random Jokes

I really didn't want to get out of bed this morning, but the staff at the bed warehouse were so insistent.

 

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

 

I went to the store to buy some candleholders, but they didn't have any, so I bought a cake.

 

What do you get when you wake up and realize you ran out of coffee?  A depresso.

 

Where do fish sleep? In the RiverBed.

 

Clapping is giving yourself a high-five for someone else's hard work.

 

Crushing pop cans is soda pressing.

 

A police report said all the lamps were stolen from a house. When asked, the homeowner said he was delighted.

 

Why is that?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?

Have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?

If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 

Dad Joke

Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?

 

Today’s Thought

So many people these days are judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.