Friday's Funnies

Merry Christmas

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?

Fleece Navidad

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree?

A pineapple

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It's Christmas, Eve!

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?

Missletoe

If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called?

A subordinate claus

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month?

The letter "D"

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Holly

Holly who?

Holly-days are here again!

Kindhearted

I just NEED to vent...I have had enough!!! I'll never help anyone again...EVER!!! I'm too kindhearted, or just stupid!  The other day it was so cold out that I took a man into my home out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for him. Poor thing looked about froze out there in the cold. Couldn't even talk or move. But the next morning he had just vanished. Not a word...no goodbye or even a thank you for sheltering him! The last straw was when I realized he had peed all over the living room floor! That's the thanks I get for being good to people???  I want to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, wearing nothing but a hat and scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks! Don't bring him into your house!! He will make a huge mess on the floor and then disappear!

A Few Nights Before Christmas

A few nights before Christmas, when all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, Just me and my mouse.

My shopping not done, I had flown to my chair.

I'd get on the Internet, and buy my gifts there!

"On Visa! On MasterCard, Amex! Discover!..."

Double click here! Buy one or the other!

Load up your shopping cart, away with the mall!

Now click away, click away, Click away, all!

I had finished my list, "That was easy," I thought,

"But how do I get all this stuff I just bought?"

I must have dozed off, when I heard such a clatter.

I arose with a start to see what was the matter.

I threw open the door... Is this some sort of trick?

The guy on the porch- "You must be St. Nick!"

"You wish," said the guy, "It's the UPS, you old coot.

Who else do you think could schlep all this loot?"

I thanked him again as he drove out of sight,

"Merry Christmas to all, And to all a good night!"

Today’s Thoughts

Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth; Goodwill to Men; and Batteries not included.

You know you are getting old when Santa starts looking younger.

Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks? 

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! 

Friday's Funnies

Name That Christmas Carol (QUIZ)

(Answers at the end)

1. Quadruped with crimson proboscis

2. 5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise

3. Miniscule hamlet in the far east

4. Ancient benevolent despot

5. Adorn the vestibule

6. Exuberance directed to the planet

7. Listen, aerial spirits harmonizing

8. Monarchial trio

9. Yonder in the haystack

10. Assemble, everyone who believes

11. Hallowed post meridian

12. Fantasies of a colorless December 25th

13. A dozen 24-hour Yule periods

14. Befell during the transparent bewitching hour

15. Homo sapien of crystallized vapor

16. I merely desire a pair of incisors

17. Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy

18. Aloft on the acme of the abode

19. It's fixin' to appear extremely similar to December 25th.

20. Boppin' while circling the tannenbaum...

21. O approach, y'all devoted happy and victorious...

22. Ah! The atmospheric condition beyond is terrific...

23. Ourselves bid yourselves a joyous Noel and a cheerful neoteric 365 days...

The Nativity

A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First, he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get the job there, he would have to answer a question: "Where was Jesus born?" The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi told him, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately." But the man turned to the rabbi and said, "I will come back only if you answer a question. Where was Jesus born?" The rabbi says, "Bethlehem." "Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania."

Walkin' in a Doggie Wonderland

Dog tags ring, are you listenin'?

In the lane, snow is glistenin'.

It's yellow, NOT white, I've been there tonight, Marking up my winter wonderland.

Smell that tree? That's my fragrance.

It's a sign for wandering vagrants;

"Avoid where I pee, it's MY pro-per-ty!

Marked up as my winter wonderland."

In the meadow dad will build a snowman,

Following the classical design.

Then I'll lift my leg and let it go, man, So all the world will know that it's Mine-mine-mine!

Straight from me to the fence post,

Flows my natural incense boast;

"Stay off my turf, this small piece of earth, I marked it as my winter wonderland."

ANSWERS:

1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer

2. Silent Night

3. O' Little Town of Bethlehem

4. Good King Wenceslas (or some say Jolly Old St. Nicholas)

5. Deck the Halls

6. Joy to the World

7. Hark the Herald Angels Sing

8. We Three Kings

9. Away in a Manger

10. Come All Ye Faithful

11. O Holy Night

12. I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

13. The Twelve Days of Christmas

14. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear

15. Frosty the Snowman

16. All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

17. Walking Through a Winter Wonderland

18. Up on the Rooftop

19. It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas"

20. Rockin' 'round the Christmas tree...

21. Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant... "Oh Come All Ye Faithful"

22. Oh, the weather outside is frightful... "Let it Snow"

23. We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.... "We wish you a Merry Christmas"

Silent Night?

Little Johnny ran up to his uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?"  The uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some peace and quiet."  Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied, "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're out of it!"

Today’s Thought

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.

Friday's Funnies

The New Shawl for Christmas

I've always wanted a beautiful shawl to wear with my winter dresses. So when I opened the present from my sister Wanda, and saw that it was a white-and-silver shawl, I squealed in delight. "I love it!" I told Wanda that evening. "I wore it all morning." "You wore it?" she asked, smiling. "It's a skirt for the Christmas tree."

All I Need To Know I Learned From Santa

1. Encourage people to believe in you.

2. Always remember who's naughty and who's nice.

3. Don't pout.

4. It's as much fun to give as it is to receive.

5. Some days it's okay to feel a little chubby.

6. Make your presents known.

7. Bright red can make anyone look good.

8. Wear a wide belt and no-one will notice how many pounds you've gained.

9. If you only show up once a year, everyone will think you're very important.

10. Whenever you're at a loss for words, say "HO, HO, HO!"

Fruitcake Recipe

I have a fruitcake that has been in my family for several years. Apparently, my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish for years.

Items Needed:

4 oz. Fruit Bits

1 Railroad Tie

Wood Saw

Large Rubber Mallet

Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children, get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be around the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake.

Christmas Gift

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.  A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those pretty 4-wheel drive vehicles?"  "She did," he replied, "But where in the world was I going to find a fake jeep!!"

Christmas Quiz

What do elves learn in school?

The Elf-abet

Did you hear that one of Santa's reindeer now works for Proctor and Gamble?

It’s true, Comet cleans sinks

How many reindeer does Santa Have???

10 (named below)

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen Rudolph (the one with the red nose) Olive (Olive the other reindeer)

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime?

Sandy Claws!

Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkey, - he is always stuffed.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

Santa Clues!

A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

Clerk: "What denomination?"

Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?

Because every buck is dear to him.

Today’s Thought

They announced that in Minnesota they found a mass grave of snowmen. Turned out just to be a field of carrots.