How Wise
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh for the infant Jesus. Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, "Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers."
And The Winner Is
The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question -- worth 500 points!
"To be today's champion," the show's smiling host intoned, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The contestant, a man in his early thirties, gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and ... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (which the little sign above their heads said to do), but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling. The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?"
"You know," the man circled his hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
On Second Thought...
Little Johnny was with Santa Claus. "I wan’na have a train, a six-gun, an erector set, a chemistry set, a cowboy suit, a bicycle, a scooter, a catcher's mitt, a set of soldiers, a toy garage with cars and trucks and a heavy crane..." "Okay," laughed Santa. "I'll look in the book and see if you were a good boy." "Never mind looking in the book. I'll settle for a pair of roller skates... "
The Gift
During his freshman year, my son Steve couldn't get home for Christmas. So he sent me a set of inexpensive cuff links and a note reading: "Dear Dad, This is not much, but it's all you could afford."
The Wise Men
In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quick Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never read your Bibles!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and rifled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here... 'The three wise men came from afar'."
Christmas Riddles
What do elves learn in school? [The Elf-abet!]
What nationality is Santa Claus? [North Polish.]
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmastime? [Sandy Claws!]
What kind of bird can write? [A PENguin.]
Who is never hungry at Christmas? [The turkey, he is always stuffed.]
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? [Claustrophobic.]
Judge: "What are you charged with?"
Prisoner: "Doing my Christmas shopping early."
Judge: "That's not an offense. How early were you doing this shopping?"
Prisoner: "Before the store opened."
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
Clerk: "What denomination?"
Woman: "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic."
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? [Snowflakes.]
What are Christmas trees like bad knitters? [They both drop their needles.]
What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus? [Crisp Cringle.]
What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas Tree? [A pineapple.]
What did the guest sing at the Eskimo Christmas Party? [Freeze a jolly good fellow...]
If Santa Claus and Mrs. Claus had a child, what would he be called? [A subordinate claus.]
Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus travelling in a lift of a very posh hotel. Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $5 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?? [Santa of course, the other two don't exist!]
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? [Because he had low elf esteem.]
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? [Frostbite.]
What if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
[They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.]
Holiday Tip
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
Friday, December 18, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Important Notice:
Due to recent budget cuts, the stock market crash, and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience. Sincerely, The Government
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
• The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car — from the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they actually work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three separate opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic "for the last time in a generation"
Living The Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Reduced Cookies
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!" "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied. Puzzled, the wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that effect, so she asked, "What makes you think that?" "Well, we ate about a third of the boxful on the way home."
Children in Church
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear.."
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit"..
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful; use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
The Force
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Due to recent budget cuts, the stock market crash, and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience. Sincerely, The Government
You know you're growing old when...
• You've come to the annoying realization that your parents were right about almost everything.
• The bag boy volunteers to help load groceries into your car — from the "ten items or less" lane.
• You've stopped supporting your children, and started supporting your parents.
• You buy "age-defying" makeup and "anti-wrinkle" creams and believe they actually work.
• You've realized that all those geeky people in Bermuda shorts walking around Disney World include you.
• You've had three separate opportunities to buy every single Disney Animated Classic "for the last time in a generation"
Living The Commandments
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five-and six-year-olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Reduced Cookies
A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store to help him buy groceries. In addition to the healthy items on his wife's carefully prepared list, the two of them returned home with a package of sugar-filled cookies. "Why in the world did you buy those?" his wife asked. "You know they aren't good for you!" "Oh, but don't worry, honey, these cookies have one-third less calories than usual in them," the husband replied. Puzzled, the wife looked all over the package but couldn't find any claim to that effect, so she asked, "What makes you think that?" "Well, we ate about a third of the boxful on the way home."
Children in Church
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear.."
One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me! Pray for me!"
A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam 's suit"..
The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"
Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door?
They're hushers."
A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, "Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
Twelve Things You Probably Didn't Know You Could Do With A Fruitcake
1. Paint a few white and place them outside on the grass so people won't park on your lawn.
2. Use it as building material. (This is actually what the Ancient Egyptians used to build the Great Pyramids.)
3. Keep one under your pillow for home defense.
4. Send one to the junk mail company with a note asking them to take you off their list.
5. It's colorful; use it as a Yule Log.
6. Carve the Presidents' faces in it and submit as a science or art project.
7. Give one to your boss and tell him it's a life preserver.
8. Use it as a base for flower arrangements.
9. Donate to the local airport for use as airliner wheel blocks.
10. Grind a few up and give it back to your in-laws in a bag marked "lawn fertilizer."
11. For a community project, sink a few in the ocean and build an artificial reef.
12. Tie one to each foot when you walk through deep snow to keep your feet dry.
The Force
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side & a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Friday, December 4, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Right On Schedule
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
The Robber
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!" The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out. This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house! As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife." Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?" The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
My Job History
• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
• Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. • After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.
• Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
• I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
• My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
• I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
• I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
• After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!
Grandchildren
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
When my grandson Arnie and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Arnie whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i ' and add 'es'.'
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently 'It means carrying a child.'
Not To Be Outdone
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed in California, an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Sentinel, a local newspaper in Pennsylvania, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Juniata River, in Lewistown, Pa., Jakey Hoffedekel, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Notre Dame, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jakey has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless… "
+++++
Two snowmen were walking down the street when one of them stopped suddenly, sniffed, and said, "I smell carrots!"
When I go to a local discount store to get oil and filters for my car, I buy my wife a bouquet of flowers on display near the checkout counter. During one trip, some women in line behind me were oohing and aahing about a husband getting flowers for his wife. "How often do you do that?" one asked. Before I could answer, the cashier, more than familiar with my routine, said, "Every three months or 3,000 miles, whichever comes first."
The Robber
A man was sleeping soundly when his wife shook him and said, "Wake up, someone is breaking in!" The man had gone through this same scenario almost every night of his marriage, and he knew that the only way he would get any rest was to get up and go check it out. This time, however, he found that there really was a man with a gun who entered to rob the house! As the thief was about to flee the man said, "Stop! You have to come with me and meet my wife." Surprised, the thief turned around abruptly and said, "Why would you want ME to meet your wife?" The man replied, "She's been expecting you for 20 years."
My Job History
• My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned - couldn't concentrate.
• Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. • After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it, mainly because it was a so-so job.
• Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
• I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
• My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
• I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
• I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
• After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So, then I retired ... and found out I was perfect for the job!
Grandchildren
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?' 'You're both old,' he replied.
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
When my grandson Arnie and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Arnie whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says I'm four to six.'
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. 'You just change 'y' to 'i ' and add 'es'.'
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently 'It means carrying a child.'
Not To Be Outdone
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed in California, an archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet. Shortly after, headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: "California Archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, The Sentinel, a local newspaper in Pennsylvania, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near the Juniata River, in Lewistown, Pa., Jakey Hoffedekel, a self-taught archaeologist and graduate of Notre Dame, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jakey has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Pennsylvania had already gone wireless… "
+++++
Two snowmen were walking down the street when one of them stopped suddenly, sniffed, and said, "I smell carrots!"
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