Friday's Funnies

Health Message

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE SO I'LL LIVE LONGER?

Balding

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things: "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.  "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.  "So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks.  "Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother.

Doctor’s Office

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.  One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.  Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

My Forgetter

My forgetter's getting better

But my rememberer is broke

To you that may seem funny

But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering

If I really should be "there"

And, when I try to think it through,

I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,

Say, "What am I here for?"

I rack my brain, but all in vain

A zero is my score.

At times I put something away

Where it is safe, but, Gee!

The person it is safest from

Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,

Say "Hi" and have a chat,

Then, when the person walks away

I ask myself, "Who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better

While my rememberer is broke,

And it's driving me plumb crazy

And that isn't any joke.

Flowers

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?"  Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."   

Why English Is Tough

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Beauty Cream

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently massaged cold cream on her face.  "Why are you rubbing that on your face, Mommy?" he asked.  "To make myself beautiful," said his mother.  A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.  "What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

Today’s Thought

All the instruments seeking intelligent life in the universe are pointed away from Earth.

Friday's Funnies

Crispy Cows

The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.  "So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.  "We had quite a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."  "Wow!" his friend was impressed. But looking around he saw no cattle. "So... where are all the cows?"  "None of 'em survived the branding."

Marriage Seminar

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."  He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"  Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?”

Birthday Wish

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.  "I'd love to be six again," she replied.  On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear--everything there was! Wow!  Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie - the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.  He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"  One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!"

Heaven

Everybody on earth died and went to heaven.  On their arrival, God greeted the people and said: "I want the men to make two lines - one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."  A little while later, God returned to the pearly gates to check on progress. The women had all gone with St. Peter as he had wished, and the men were split into two lines.  The line containing men that were dominated by women during their earthly lives was 100 miles long, but there was just a single man in the line containing men that dominated their women.  Enraged by this, God said to the men: "You should be ashamed for yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be controlled by your spouses."  Turning toward the solitary man, God continued: "Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son - how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"  "I don't know - my wife told me to stand here," replied the man.

Ten Rules of Housekeeping

1. Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

2. Dust bunnies cannot evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

3. Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

4. Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

5. In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

6. Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing handsewn play animals for underprivileged children.

7. If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

8. If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that  "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes..."

9. Don't bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Johnny did this when he was two. I haven't had the heart to clean it..."

10. Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere..."

Neighbors

A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.  "That laundry is not very clean," she said. "She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap."  Her husband looked on, but remained silent.  Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.  About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"  The husband said, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."

Carry-On

Explaining luggage regulations to passengers can be aggravating for flight attendants. One day a woman tried to board with an enormous bag. The lead flight attendant told her why it would not fit, but the woman argued that her bag was a carry-on because it had wheels and a handle. Without blinking the attendant said, "My Ford has wheels and a handle, but that doesn't make it a carry-on."

Today’s Thought

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Friday's Funnies

The Solution

My husband Joe is a police officer in a small town. He receives many phone calls at home about his work and decided to get an answering machine to screen them, especially the threatening or harassing ones. This is the greeting he prepared: "You have reached the home of a police officer. You have the right to remain silent. If you wish to give up this right, leave your message after the beep. Anything you say can, and probably will, be held against you." The phone calls became much friendlier.

The Real Reason

After weeks of getting the cold shoulder from his wife, the unhappy husband finally confronted her: "Admit it, Linda. The only reason you married me is because my grandfather left me $10 million." "Don't be ridiculous," she replied. "I don't care who left it to you."

Big Prize

Sally goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch." But Sally keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!" Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize." Sally insists, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads... "WIN A BAGEL."

Short Ones

• Time takes its toll; please have exact change.
• They say, "Wisdom comes with age," but sometimes age comes alone.
• A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
• Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk nine feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel, then walk nine feet through shag carpet back to my couch.
• Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
• I thought growing older would take longer.
• I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented... I forgot where I was going with this.
• I love being over 65. I learn something new every day — and forget 5 others.
• I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Number Our Daze

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items. Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

War & Peace

The Social Studies teacher had just finished a unit on World War II and had spent some time on the differences between war and peace. "How many of you," she asked her class, "would say that you are against war?" Not surprisingly, every hand in the room went up. The teacher then asked, "Who can give us a reason for being against war?" A rather large, bored-looking boy toward the back of the class raised his hand. "Sammy?" the teacher called upon him. "I'm against war," he said, "because wars make history. And I HATE history!"

Random Thoughts

• There are 10 kinds of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.
• My wife said I don't listen. At least I think that's what she said.
• So when is this "Old enough to know better" supposed to kick in?
• I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• I am not stupid. Everyone else is just smarter than me.
• Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
• 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
• Think about it: If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

Good Deal

A man and his ten-year-old son were on a fishing trip miles from home. At the boy's insistence, they decided to attend the Sunday worship service at a small rural church. The father forgot to bring any cash, so he reached in his pocket and gave his son a dime to drop in the offering plate as it was passed. As they walked back to their car after the service, the father complained. "The service was too long," he lamented. "The sermon was boring, and the singing was off key." Finally the boy said, "Daddy, I thought it was pretty good for a dime."

Know-It-All

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

How Appropriate

Sign on the door of a church nursery quotes Paul in 1 Corinthians 15:51: "Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed."

Today’s Thought

I don't want to say I'm old and worn-out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.