Friday's Funnies

RIDDLES FOR GARDENERS (The answers are names of flowers)

1. How might you describe a silent person?

2. Name for a lady who marries for riches.

3. Everyone has these on their face.

4. You might find one of these on a safari.

5. An appropriate gift for a banker.

6. A fastener on a single man's coat.

7. A country of automobile lovers.

8. Good name for a guy's biking club.

9. He's an awfully sugary bill.

10. They're the dairy best blooms.

11. A peevish fairytale creature.

12. A woman's nightly footwear.

13. They hate to wait.

14. A fine looking jungle ruler.

15. Cross between a violin and a clarinet.

Answers to Riddle For Gardeners:

1. Mum

2. Marigold

3. Tulips

4. Tiger Lilies

5. Money Plants

6. Bachelor's Button

7. Carnation

8. Cyclamen

9. Sweet William

10. Buttercups

11. Snapdragon

12. Lady's Slipper

13. Impatient

14. Dandelion

15. Violet

Two Blondes With Hammers...

Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.  Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.  Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lisa explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' 

Alternative Meanings

Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.

Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Bernadette: The act of torching your mortgage.

Burglarize: What a crook sees with.

Control: A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes: What a guy in a canoe does.

Left Bank: What a robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty: How golfers create divots.

Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacists: A helper on the farm.

Polarize: What penguins see with.

Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief: What trees do each spring.

Rubberneck: What you can do to relax your wife.

Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.

Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.

Sudafed: Bring litigation against a government official.

Noah’s Ark

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"  "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms.

Car Insurance Excuses

- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

- The accident occured when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

- I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

- As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

- The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

- I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

Today’s Thought

We have to believe in free will. We have no choice.

Friday's Funnies

USA

Did you hear about the new book out called "United States of America?" It has contributions by Ken Tuckey, Minnie Sowta, Ida Hoe, Harry Zoner, Della Ware, Al Abammer, U Tarr, Tex Hass, Miss Soury, Miss Sissippy, D Troit, Flo Ridder, George Jurr, I Ower, Carol Lyner, Mick Cheegan, Lucy Arner, Indy Hannah, Mary Lande, Cally Fornia and Al Aska.

Figures

Our new office computer system was down as much as it was working. My co-worker Cathy decided to stay late one evening to catch up on the work that had accumulated. On her way home, a police officer stopped her for speeding. "What a perfect end to an awful day!" she exclaimed. "Our computer is up, then down -- up, then down. I stay late to catch up, and now this!" The officer was unaffected by Cathy's griping and he went to his car to prepare a citation. After what seemed an eternity, he returned with her license and registration. As he handed them to her, he smiled and said, "Our computer is down."

Calling the Bank

My daughter called me at work to say I was to phone "Josh" at the bank about my account. So, I called my bank and the operator asked me what Josh's last name was, and I explained that he hadn't left his last name.  When she asked for his department, I said that I didn't know.  "There are 1,500 employees in this building, ma'am," she advised me rather sharply.  After a few more brusque comments, I was becoming angry so I asked her for her name.  "Danielle," she said.  "And your last name?" I asked.  "Sorry," she replied, "we're not allowed to give out last names."

First Music Lesson

The first graders were attending their first music lesson. The teacher was trying to begin at the beginning. She drew a musical staff on the blackboard and asked a little girl to come up and write a note on it.  The little girl went to the blackboard, looked thoughtful for a minute and wrote, "Dear Aunt Emma, just a short note to tell you I'm fine."

You know you're a missionary kid (MK) when . . .

~ You're an expert on the quality of airline travel.

~ You speak two languages but can't spell either.

~ You have a time zone map in your room.

~ You have friends from or in 29 different countries.

~ Your life story uses the phrase "Then we went to . . . " five or more times.

~ You never take anything for granted.

~ Your family send you peanut butter and Kool-Aid for Christmas.

~ You watch National Geographic specials and recognize someone.

~ You see a movie set in a foreign country, and you know what the nationals are really saying into the camera.

~ You realize what a small world it is, after all.

What?

Three elderly men are walking through the park. The first says, "It sure is windy." The second responds, "No it isn't, it's Thursday." The third says, "I am too. Let's get something to drink."

Backup Plan

I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Flattery Will Get You...

A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days. "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

Why Soccer Puzzles Me

Stupid things actually said by broadcast commentators in the world of soccer:

·         Well, it's Liverpool two, Ipswich nil, and if the score stays this way, I've got to fancy Liverpool for the win.

·         He had an eternity to play that ball, but took too long.

·         And so they have not been able to improve on their 100% record.

·         With the last kick of the game, he scored with a header.

·         Well, it's a fabulous kaleidoscope of color: almost all the Brazilians are wearing yellow shirts.

·         If that had gone on, it would definitely have been a goal.

·         Their manager, Howard Wilkinson, isn't here today, which strongly suggests that he may be elsewhere.

·         I am a firm believer that if one team scores a goal, the other need to score two to win.

·         If a team scores early on, it often takes an early lead.

·         You cannot possibly have counted the number of passes made, but there were eight. \

Medical Advice

A pediatrician in town always plays a game with some of his young patients to put them at ease and test their knowledge of body parts. One day, while pointing to a little boy's ear, the doctor asked him, "Is this your nose?" Immediately the little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mom, I think we'd better find a new doctor!"

Today’s Thought

The main trouble with mental notes is the ink fades so fast.

Friday's Funnies

Big Cavity

"Open wider," requested the dentist, as he began his examination of the patient.  "Good grief!" he said, startled. "You've got the biggest cavity I've ever seen -- the biggest cavity I've ever seen."  "OK, doc!" replied the patient. "I'm scared enough without you saying it twice."  "I didn't!" said the dentist. "That was the echo."

The Dissemination of Information

Programmer to Team Leader:

"We can't do this proposed project. **CAN NOT** It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects"

Team Leader to Project Manager:

"This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff with experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature."

Project Manager to 1st Level Manager:

"This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it."

1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager:

"This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution."

Senior Level Manager to CEO:

"This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances."

CEO to Client:

"This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame."

Doctors Say the Craziest Things

The following quotes were allegedly taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians:

~ By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.

~ On the second day, the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ The patient refused an autopsy.

~ The patient has no past history of suicides.

~ The patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

~ She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

~ She is numb from the toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Coin Flip

Mrs. Baker, a fifth grade teacher, observed a student in her class during a True/False test, flipping a coin and then choosing an answer.  Mrs. Baker thought to herself, "Hah! Norman didn't study again."  This answer selection method continued throughout the entire test.  After Norman was obviously finished, Mrs. Baker again watched Norman flipping the coin and continuing through the test a second time.  "Norman, what are you doing now?" asked Mrs. Baker.  Norman replied, "I'm doing what you always tell us to do! I'm checking my answers!"

DAILY HOMEWORK POLICY

Students should not spend more than 90 minutes per night: This time should be budgeted in the following manner:

- 15 minutes looking for assignment

- 11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment

- 23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like students

- 8 minutes in the bathroom

- 10 minutes getting a snack

- 7 minutes checking the DVR

- 6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment

- 10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment

LONG TERM HOMEWORK POLICY

- These assignments are given the night before they are due. This explains the name "long term."

- It is a long term commitment to the time it takes to finish it, which usually begins at 9:30 p.m. and ends at 11:50 p.m....or later.

- It is important that the whole family is involved in the project.

- It is imperative that at least one family member races to Walmart/Kmart for posterboard, and that at least one family member ends up in tears (does not have to be the student).

- One parent needs to stay up and complete the project. The other parent needs to call the school and leave a message that the student is out sick.

- It is not necessary to have the student's name on the assignment.

Today’s Thought

There is a guaranteed way to get what you want: Want less.

Friday's Funnies

Happy 4^th of July!

What did one flag say to the other flag?

Nothing. It just waved!

Do they have a 4th of July in England?

Yes. That’s how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.

What dance was very popular in 1776?

Indepen-dance!

How is a healthy person like the United States?

They both have good constitutions!

Teacher: "Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?"

Student: "On the bottom!"

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

Books never written:
"The Star-Spangled Banner" by Jose Kanusee
"American Victories" by Norman D. Beech
"Coming to America" by Anita Greencard
"The Parts of the National Anthem" by Homer D. Brave
"How to Become President" by Paul O'Ticks

What do you call an American drawing?
A Yankee doodle!

Teacher: Johnny, what are the last words of "The Star-Spangled Banner"?
Johnny: "Play ball"?

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?
Liberty!

What did the colonists wear to the Boston Tea Party?
Tea-shirts.

Which famous person do you get when you make a wreath out of $100 bills?
Aretha Franklin!

What is the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

Why were the first Pennsylvania settlers like ants?
Because they lived in colonies.

Pizza Delivery

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a University of South Carolina student delivered his pizza. "Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."  "That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."  "Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."  "By the way, what are you studying?"  "Applied psychology."

Delayed Flight

A passenger on a Southwest flight says that he once faced a flight delay just before they boarded. A flight attendant picked up the microphone and announced: "We're sorry for the delay. The machine that normally rips the handles off your luggage is broken, so we're having to do it by hand. We should be finished and on our way shortly."

Divine Assistance

Two men were stranded on an island. One man just sat down under a tree and did nothing. The other man looked all over the island. When he came back, he said, "There is nothing here -- no food, no shelter, no nothing. We're going to die." The first man said, "I make $10,000 a week," and continued to sit. The other man again looked all over the island and came back dejected. "We're going to die," he said. The first one again replied, "I make $10,000 per week." And he sat. The other man took one more look all over, returned, and said, "There's no way we will ever get off this island. We're going to die." Once again the first man replied, "I make $10,000 per week, and I tithe. My pastor will find me."

Doctor's Orders

A guy walks into a bar, approaches the barman, and asks, "Could I have a pint of Less, please?"  "I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"  "I've no idea," replies the guy. "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

Bigger Piece

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me anymore."  "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you just cook better now."

Stranded

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in the Hawaiian Islands. He sent an e-mail to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions.  The reply came back shortly: "Begin vacation as of yesterday."

Today’s Thought

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!