Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs, One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds." In view of current developments in the banking industry, does that refer to me or to you? Sincerely, Your customer
Leftovers
Like all growing boys, my teenage grandson, Joe, was constantly hungry. I went to my refrigerator to find something he might like to eat. After poking around a bit and moving the milk and juice cartons, I spotted a bowl of leftover chili. "Hey, Joe," I called out excitedly. He came running into the kitchen. "Look! I found some chili." Struggling to be polite, he said, "If you're that surprised, I'm not really sure I want it."
Diet Excuse #542
"But doctor, I have metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the refrigerator!"
Direct object
Christopher's class was having an English lesson, and the teacher called on Christopher to recite a sentence with a direct object.
Christopher stood and thought, then said, "Teacher, everybody thinks you are beautiful."
"Why thank you, Christopher," the teacher said, blushing. "But what is the direct object?"
"A good report card next month," he replied.
This Is A True Senior's Moment
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Oh, yes," the man said, and then he turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Suspicious Phone Call
My mom got a suspicious phone call from a large bookstore retailer here in town. "Ma'am, we are just calling to tell you that your book has arrived. Would you like to come in and pick it up?"
Not to be taken in by just another marketing ploy to get her to buy something she never ordered, she replied, "Really! Well, then, what is the title?"
There was a long pause on the other line and then quite a string of hums and hahs. Mother's smug smile widened with every pause, while she thought, I've outsmarted them!
Finally a response: "Well, uh, the title is uh, 'How to Improve Your Short-Term Memory.'"
"Oh!" (pause) "Well, in that case, I'd better be right over!"
When she got there, they all had a good-natured laugh about it.
Budding Gardener
I took my 4 year old son, Jacob, out to McDonald's for dinner one evening for a "guy night".
As we were eating our hamburgers, Jacob asked "Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were OK to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.
Finally, Jacob looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever."
+++++
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'Paw, what's at?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is.
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again, and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son..........
'Boy..................go gitcha Momma..............'
Friday, March 27, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Friday's Funnies
PACKING THE PIANO
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the missionary couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had," he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
INTERNET PARKING NOTICE
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you – sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of 10 minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW!
You'll thank us for this later.
LETTER HOME
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a ¢ard, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
OOPS
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'," was the reply.
BLONDE
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
LETHAL PRODUCT
A dietician was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
A porter loaded down with suitcases followed the missionary couple to the airline check-in counter.
As they approached the line, the husband glanced at the pile of luggage and said to the wife, "Why didn't you bring the piano, too?"
"Are you trying to be funny?" she replied.
"No, I really wish you had," he sighed. "I left the tickets on it."
INTERNET PARKING NOTICE
During our routine sweep of the Internet we, the Internet Police, have discovered that you have been on your chair in front of the computer TOO LONG!
You are HEREBY ORDERED to clean up that pile of cups, cans, wrappers and papers on your desk (yes, we can see you – sit up straight!) and after you have logged into the real world for a minimum of 10 minutes you may log back on to the Internet.
Failure to comply may result in loss of reality, carpal tunnel syndrome, and the requirement of a larger chair. The timer starts NOW!
You'll thank us for this later.
LETTER HOME
Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a ¢ard, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
OOPS
On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, which expressed "Deepest Sympathy".
While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.
"Oh, it's all right," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen."
"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."
"Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper.
"'Congratulations on your new location'," was the reply.
BLONDE
A blonde was recently hired at an office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.
Eager to do well her first day on the job, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to a nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos and the coffee shop worker quickly came over to take her order.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" the blonde asked.
The coffee shop worker looked at the thermos, hesitated a few seconds, then finally replied, "Yeah. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief.
"Then give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."
LETHAL PRODUCT
A dietician was addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
Friday, March 6, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Taking No Chances
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."
Pastoral Advice
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine. Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service. That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.
Good Answer
Arnie was having a physical examination before entering school. The doctor asked him, "Have you ever had any trouble with your ears and nose?" "Sure," answered the boy, "They always get in my way when I take off my T-shirt."
Government At Work
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official. And you wondered why everything costs so much in Washington…
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Price of oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.I feel better already.
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,And so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.'On the PA system: 'Clean-up needed on aisle 3. We have a husband down... ‘
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?" And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."
Pastoral Advice
During a revival, the visiting evangelist arrived without his allergy medicine. Our pastor put him in touch with a doctor in our church for an emergency prescription to get him through the week. The evangelist was so appreciative of the doctor that during the last service, he recommended the doctor to the entire crowd. The ensuing laughter was a mystery to him until after the service. That was when the host pastor informed him that he had just recommended the local OB-GYN.
Good Answer
Arnie was having a physical examination before entering school. The doctor asked him, "Have you ever had any trouble with your ears and nose?" "Sure," answered the boy, "They always get in my way when I take off my T-shirt."
Government At Work
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!", replies the government official. And you wondered why everything costs so much in Washington…
The Bathtub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
Price of oranges
Mrs. Golden was shopping at a produce stand in her neighborhood. She approached the vendor and asked, "How much are these oranges?" "Two for a quarter," answered the vendor. "How much is just one?" she asked. "Fifteen cents," answered the vendor. "Then I'll take the other one," said Mrs. Golden.
Inner Peace
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.I feel better already.
Husband Down
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife,And so they carry on shopping.A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.'It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.'On the PA system: 'Clean-up needed on aisle 3. We have a husband down... ‘
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