Animal noises
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
First she asked, "Davie, what noise does a cow make?"
He responded, "It goes moo."
The she asked, "Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
Alice replied, "It goes meow."
Finally she questioned one last child, "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
She replied, "It goes... click!"
The Best Answers of 2009!!
SMART ANSWER #5
It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes, or no,' she replied.
SMART ANSWER #4
Beth was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
SMART ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead.
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
#1 SMART ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2009!!
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's pretty near perfect!’
“Senior” personal ads
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida newspapers:
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, and sunsets. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Blonde jokes
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They had gone to see, 'Closed for the Winter'.
+++++
A blonde, carrying a baby in her arms, enters a pharmacy and asks to use the infant scale to weigh the baby.
The clerk explains that the infant scale is out for repair, but she could figure out the infant's weight by weighing mother and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.
"Oh, that will never work!" groaned the blonde. "I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt!"
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Friday's Funnies
15 Exercises We'd Be Better Off Without in 2010
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Wading through paperwork
• Running around in circles
• Pushing your luck
• Spinning your wheels
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Beating your head against the wall
• Climbing the walls
• Beating your own drum
• Dragging your heels
• Jumping to conclusions
• Grasping at straws
• Fishing for compliments
• Throwing your weight around
• Passing the buck
The Importance of Walking(Walkers take note!)
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 95 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Oh...
Patty began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she walked outside and noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Patty approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Patty noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Patty offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Patty then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Good News / Bad News
"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having." "That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?" "Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."
Running Late
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
Money for the Pastor
A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"
New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 1
Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2
• Jumping on the bandwagon
• Wading through paperwork
• Running around in circles
• Pushing your luck
• Spinning your wheels
• Adding fuel to the fire
• Beating your head against the wall
• Climbing the walls
• Beating your own drum
• Dragging your heels
• Jumping to conclusions
• Grasping at straws
• Fishing for compliments
• Throwing your weight around
• Passing the buck
The Importance of Walking(Walkers take note!)
• Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 95 years old to spend an additional five months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.
• My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
• Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
• The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he?'
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years, just getting over the hill.
• We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Oh...
Patty began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she walked outside and noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Patty approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Patty noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Patty offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Patty then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
Good News / Bad News
"Guess what?" yelled my high schooler as he burst through the door. "I got a 100 on the Spanish quiz that I didn't even know we were having." "That's great!" I said. "But why didn't you know about the quiz?" "Because our teacher told us about it in Spanish."
Running Late
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
Money for the Pastor
A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"
New Tuesday Evening Classes for Men
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course lasts for 4 weeks and topics covered in this course include:
Week One of Evening Classes for Men
1) TOILET ROLLS - DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
2) DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKETS AND FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (pictures and graphics)
3) DISHES & CUTLERY;
DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts
4) HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
5) LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other
- Help line and support groups
6) LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
Week Two - Evening Classes for Men
7) EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
8) HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint Presentation
9) REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
10) IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
11) LIVING WITH ADULTS;
BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
12) HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
13) REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN you're GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
14) GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counselors available
Week 3 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 1
Week 4 Evening Classes for Men - Repeat of week 2
Friday, January 8, 2010
Friday's Funnies
New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
• Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
• Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home — eat out more.
• Don't have eight children at once.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
• Create loose ends.
• Get more toys.
• Get further in debt.
• Don't believe politicians.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
• Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
• Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
• Wait for opportunity to knock.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Memory—The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
Memory—Pondering
A man started up the stairs, stopped about halfway up, and couldn't remember what he was going upstairs for. "I'm going to sit right here on the step," he said to himself, "until I can remember what I'm going upstairs for." After some thought, he couldn't remember if he was going up or down.
Memory—Names
Two men, who had been playing golf together for many years, were discussing the embarrassing problem of forgetting names. One of them said, "For example, what is your name? I can't think of it just now." The other thought for a while and finally asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
Memory—Gone
An elderly couple was watching TV and the husband said, "I think a dish of ice cream would be nice." The wife said, "Yes, dear, I'll get it." He said, "You'd better write it down, or you'll forget." "Nonsense." "Oh, yes, and let's have some chocolate sauce," the husband added. "Yes, dear, I'll get it." "OK," the husband said, "but you'd better write it down." Later the wife returned, carrying bacon and eggs. The husband said, "I told you to write it down!" But she asked, "Why? What did I forget?" He replied, "You forgot the toast!"
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
• 50 Fahrenheit (10 C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.
• 35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down.
• 32 Fahrenheit (0 C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker.
• 0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
• -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
• -109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. Canadians pull down their earflaps.
• -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
• -459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15A C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
• -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) Hell freezes over.* The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.**
*Not theologically correct. **Not sportingly correct.
The next one
A young couple brought their first baby home, a darling little girl. After a few days of dealing with the dirty diapers, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at the smelly task.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he replied. "But don't worry; I'll do the next one."
Two hours later 'the next time' came around and she asked again.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he said again. "Don't you worry; I'll do the next one."
Again a couple of hours went by and the diaper needed to be changed again. Again the husband declined.
"You keep telling me you'll do the next one," his wife complained. "But every time she needs a new diaper you won't change her!"
The husband looked puzzled, and then smiled. "Oh! I meant the next baby!"
Please and Thank You
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Too Effective
Jon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Jon went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Jon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss," But where were you yesterday?"
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
• Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
• Stop exercising. Waste of time.
• Read less. Makes you think.
• Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
• Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
• Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
• Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
• Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
• Stop bringing lunch from home — eat out more.
• Don't have eight children at once.
• Get in a whole NEW rut!
• Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
• Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
• Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
• Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
• Create loose ends.
• Get more toys.
• Get further in debt.
• Don't believe politicians.
• Break at least one traffic law.
• Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.
• Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.
• Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
• Wait for opportunity to knock.
• Focus on the faults of others.
• Mope about faults.
• Never make New Year's resolutions again.
Memory—The Hereafter
"Do you believe in the hereafter?" the minister asked a lady. "I certainly do," she replied. "I often go into a room and say, ‘What am I here after?'"
Memory—Pondering
A man started up the stairs, stopped about halfway up, and couldn't remember what he was going upstairs for. "I'm going to sit right here on the step," he said to himself, "until I can remember what I'm going upstairs for." After some thought, he couldn't remember if he was going up or down.
Memory—Names
Two men, who had been playing golf together for many years, were discussing the embarrassing problem of forgetting names. One of them said, "For example, what is your name? I can't think of it just now." The other thought for a while and finally asked, "How soon do you need to know?"
Memory—Gone
An elderly couple was watching TV and the husband said, "I think a dish of ice cream would be nice." The wife said, "Yes, dear, I'll get it." He said, "You'd better write it down, or you'll forget." "Nonsense." "Oh, yes, and let's have some chocolate sauce," the husband added. "Yes, dear, I'll get it." "OK," the husband said, "but you'd better write it down." Later the wife returned, carrying bacon and eggs. The husband said, "I told you to write it down!" But she asked, "Why? What did I forget?" He replied, "You forgot the toast!"
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
• 50 Fahrenheit (10 C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.
• 35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) Italian Cars won't start Canadians drive with the windows down.
• 32 Fahrenheit (0 C) American water freezes Canadian water gets thicker.
• 0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.
• -60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.
• -109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C) Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice. Canadians pull down their earflaps.
• -173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
• -459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15A C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"
• -500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) Hell freezes over.* The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.**
*Not theologically correct. **Not sportingly correct.
The next one
A young couple brought their first baby home, a darling little girl. After a few days of dealing with the dirty diapers, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at the smelly task.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he replied. "But don't worry; I'll do the next one."
Two hours later 'the next time' came around and she asked again.
"I'm too busy, Honey," he said again. "Don't you worry; I'll do the next one."
Again a couple of hours went by and the diaper needed to be changed again. Again the husband declined.
"You keep telling me you'll do the next one," his wife complained. "But every time she needs a new diaper you won't change her!"
The husband looked puzzled, and then smiled. "Oh! I meant the next baby!"
Please and Thank You
While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.
Too Effective
Jon had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it. So Jon went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Jon slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss," But where were you yesterday?"
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