Friday's Funnies

Decluttering

I tried that Japanese practice of decluttering. You hold something and if it doesn't bring you joy, you toss it. Hey it really works! So far I've thrown out a bunch of bills, my treadmill and a lot of vegetables!

Just Asking...

Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods than any of the others. Once, after her small son fell into the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried his clothes. A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called out, "Are you out there wetting your pants again!?" There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep, masculine voice answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

Finance

I'd been working on my business degree for about a year when I finally got to take a popular finance course. I went to the bookstore to buy the text and was shocked to find out that it would cost me $96. I asked how much it was worth if I sold it back at the end of the semester.  "You'll get $24," said the clerk.  "This is insane," I protested as I wrote out the check.  "I know," replied the clerk sympathetically. "I've always thought that a person who buys a book for $96 and then sells it back for $24 should fail the course."

You Know It's Summer in Florida When...

·         Your car is overheating before you drive it.

·         Hot air balloons can't go up, because the air outside is hotter than the heated air in the balloon

·         Airplanes can't land because the asphalt runways are too soft.

·         The ducks in the park are designated "original recipe" and "extra crispy."

·         More hot water comes from the cold water tap than the hot one.

·         The hotdogs sold outside the Home Depot are actually hot.

·         You cover the leather seats in the car with cloth or sit on towels.

·         It's noon in August, the kids are on summer vacation, and no one is moving on the streets.

·         You burn your hand opening the car door.

·         You notice the best parking place is determined by the shade under trees instead of the distance to the door.

·         All picnics feature hot food, like it or not.

·         The politicians have to take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.

Engineer

My engineer husband is meticulous but mild-mannered. While our new house was being built, he would leave notes for the workmen, politely calling their attention to mistakes or oversights. Two weeks before we were to move in, the floors still were not finished, the bathrooms were not tiled, and necessary fixtures were not installed.  I was sure that the work would never be completed in time. However, on moving day, we found that the house was ready to receive us.  Curious as to how this miracle had been accomplished, I went and checked where my husband always left his notes for the workmen. Posted prominently on the living room wall was my husband's last note: "After September 15, all work will be supervised by five children."

Nobel Prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.  The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"  The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."  “How?" asks the man, puzzled. “Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Restless Natives

An anthropologist was assigned to Borneo, where he found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. At noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. "What are those drums?" asked the anthropologist, knowing he was in cannibal country. The guide turned to him and said "No worry. Drums OK, but very bad when they stop." They both went ghostly pale when the drums suddenly stopped. The guide crouched in the belly of the canoe and covered his ears. "Do as I do! Very important!" "Why? What does this mean?" asked the panicked anthropologist. "Drums stop! Next come guitar solo!"

The Leak

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. "When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. Mr. Gable scowled, "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

The Prerequisite

I asked the children in the Sunday School class I taught, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children all answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!" I was feeling pretty good about their level of spiritual understanding. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Mike's Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening."  "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."  So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:  "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Today’s Thought

When a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Friday's Funnies

Perception

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.  He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head. I had TV and internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA online.  I had no bills and no debt.  I even had full medical coverage."  I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened?  Drugs?  Alcohol?  Divorce?"  "Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I just got out of prison."

CEO Speech

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees, Jenkins, to write him a punchy 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."  Jenkins was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

Bible Trivia

•  Who was the most successful physician in the Bible? Job. He had the most patience.

•  Who was the best financier in the Bible? Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

•  Who is the straightest man in the Bible? Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

The Right Combination

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help. The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock. The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said. "It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling."

Short Ones

•  In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will adore him and a cat that will ignore him.

•  I know a guy who called the Home Shopping Network. They said, "Can I help you?" and he said, "No, I'm just looking."

•  I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Little Johnny

At Sunday school the teacher was teaching how God created everything, including human beings.   Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he was ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?"  Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Signs - Here and There

The following are actual signs seen across the good ol' U.S.A.:

At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

In a New York restaurant: Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.

On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. --Sisters of Mercy

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed.

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a New York medical building: Mental Health Prevention Center

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.

At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Don't kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.

In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.

On a shopping mall marquee: Archery Tournament -- Ears pierced

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

On a Tennessee highway: When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car.

Today’s Thought

Write all complaints legibly in this space -> [ ]

Friday's Funnies

Smile for the DMV

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.  He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."  The clerk looked at his picture closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway." 

It's Been Said...

"Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden."

Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom, it was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.   The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.  Everything quickly turned to chaos.  The bride slapped the groom.  The groom's mother fainted.  The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.  The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"  The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

Signs That You Attend a Small Church

•             You cancel church when the pastor goes on vacation because his family is half the congregation.

•             You meet in the pastor's two-car garage while the sanctuary is being remodeled.

•             The church bus is a minivan that carries seven passengers.

•             The pastor comes to Wednesday night services in his uniform directly from his "other" job.

•             The youth group ages goes to 30.

•             The senior adult age starts at 31.

•             Children's church is canceled when the family with the most kids goes on vacation.

•             The pastor also serves as an usher, pianist and song leader.

Speaking In Tongues

Seen on a blog:  "So, this morning, Sue and I get off the plane in Newark, New Jersey, and I need to find a restroom. As I was walking out of the baggage claim, I stopped a United Airlines worker and said, "We ain't nare been up here. We are frum Gas-TONY-a, Nirth Caroliner. Where is the clostest restroom?" The airlines worker flagged down another female worker, and as she approached, she stuck out her hand and said, "My name is Louisa and I'll be your interpretah while you is here at the airport."

Service Fee

Two brawny men came to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.  As they were getting ready to leave, they were asked to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $145 service fee, stating it was not in their contract. The homeowner really had no choice but to pay them.  As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked the homeowner to move a car that was blocking their van.  The homeowner told them there would be a fee for that: $145.

Umm...

On my birthday I got a really funny card. It joked about how our bodies might be getting older, but our minds remain "tarp as shacks." I wanted to thank the person who sent it, but I can't. They forgot to sign the card.

Church Signs

•             Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet Him today.

•             Keep using My name in vain and I'll make rush hour longer.

•             Why pay for GPS? Jesus gives directions for free.

•             Be an organ donor. Give your heart to Jesus today.

Lawyer

John grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to his hometown because he could be a big man there. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.  The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, John picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, while talking: "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."  This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as John rattled instructions. Finally, John put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"  The man replied, "I was sent by the telephone company to connect your phone line."

In a Rut

I feel like I'm in a rut. Every time I go to bed at night, I find myself just getting up again in the morning.

The English Professor

An English professor was reading Canterbury Tales to his class and noticed that one of his students had fallen asleep. The professor was annoyed enough to send the book spinning through the air and bounce it off the sleeper's skull. Startled awake, the student asked what had hit him.  "That," said the professor, "was a flying Chaucer."

Today’s Though

I called the Psychic Friends Network. They said, "Who's calling?" FAIL.

Friday's Funnies

Flying Companions

At the airport check-in counter, a man overheard a woman ask for window seats for both herself and her husband. The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them from sitting together. "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I know what I'm requesting!"

The Glass Perspective 2

A friend of mine was a philosophy major during his first semester in college. One day in a seminar class, they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, my friend was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home, he tried to continue the discussion with his family.  With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "Can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty." Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

Competitiveness

My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things. But I laugh more.

Scavenger Hunt

Two mice scavenging in an old studio warehouse find some old celluloid film.

Mouse 1: This looks really old! I wonder what film it is?

Mouse 2: The can is right here ... Oh, it's "Gone with the Wind"!

Mouse 1: Well, maybe it's still good - let me take a bite...

Mouse 2: Well? How is it?

Mouse 1: Nothing much. The book was better.

4 Year Ceiling

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.  "Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."  "Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

Rebellion

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"  The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.  "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child.  "And what if you run out of money?"  "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child.  The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"  "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.  The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

The Password

A "not-so-bright" chose the following as a computer password: MickeyMinnieDonaldDaisyGoofyHueyLouieWashington. When asked why she had chosen such a long password, she explained: "I was told that I should have seven characters and one capital."

What Is Fate

A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."  "Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will someday enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."  "And that, my master, is fate?"  "Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."

Boys

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.  "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.  "Tommy," replied the second.  "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.  Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."  "Honest?" asked Billy.  "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

Sweet Grandmother

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"  The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"  The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."  The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."  After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."  The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."  The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"  The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything!"

The Price

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spotted nice material for a dress and asks the male clerk, "How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl, "I'll take ten yards." In expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up and teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her and said, "Grandpa will pay the bill!"

Today’s Thought

Ban sliced cheese. Make America grate again.

Friday's Funny

Seniors and Exercise

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. 

So if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Bible Trivia

Who was the most successful physician in the Bible? 

Job. He had the most patience. 

Who was the best financier in the Bible?

Noah. He floated his stock while the whole world was in liquidation.

Who is the straightest man in the Bible?

Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

The Old Junker

His beloved old white convertible was in deplorable shape, but he refused to get rid of it. So when the old junker was stolen from his office parking lot, his family was delighted. Nonetheless, they called the police and filed an insurance claim.  Their relief was short-lived, within an hour an officer was on the phone. "We found the car less than a mile away," he said, trying to restrain himself. "It had a note on it that read, 'Thanks anyway, we'd rather walk.'"

Punny: Brake Fluid

A mechanic was working under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth.  "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought.  The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll have a little more today."  His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say anything.  The next day, "Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more."  A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day.  "You know," said his buddy, "that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You better cut out drinking that stuff."  "Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!"

Paraprosdokian - a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence...

 If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

I'm great at multi-tasking -- I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once .  

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

Take my advice — I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

Money is the root of all wealth.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

Today’s Thought

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.