Economy Notice
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions and the continued decline of the U.S. economy, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience.

The Memorable Speech
The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech. When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished." The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

+++++

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

+++++

Norwegian Math Test
A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the dean won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the dean said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

‘Without numbers?’ The Norwegian says, ‘Dat’s easy.’ and proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What’s this?’ the dean asks.

‘Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says the Norwegian.

‘Fair enough,’ says the dean. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ‘Dar ya go.’

The dean scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’

‘Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

The dean is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Dar ya go. Von hundred.’

The dean looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little dog come along and pooped by each tree So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.’

‘So, ven do I start?

Friday's Funnies

Angels
What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them. - Sarah, 7
I only know the names of two angels, Hark and Harold. - Gregory, 5
Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else. - Mitchell, 7
My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science. - Henry, 8
Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!! - Jack, 6
When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado. - Reagan, 10
Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter. - Jared, 8
My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth. - Lynn, 9
Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead. - Daniel, 9

Blind Date
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend." "I know, but I don't hold any grudges." "I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her." "Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double." "Wow! Is that true?" "I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age."

Reminders
One Sunday a pastor announced he was passing out miniature crosses made of palm leaves. "Put this cross in the room where your family argues most," he advised. "When you look at it, the cross will remind you that God is watching." When the parishioners were leaving church, a woman walked up to the pastor, shook his hand, and said, "I'll take five."

Quick Stinking
A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. The mother skunk calmly instructed her young, "Quickly, children, let's put our heads together!" After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now -- let us spray!"

Correct Answer
"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" "Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Lighter Load
The lady next door sympathized as Cheryl complained that her back was really sore from moving furniture. "Why don't you wait until your husband gets home?" the next door neighbor asked. "I could," Cheryl told the lady. "But the couch is easier to move if Arnie’s not on it… "

Expectant Fathers
There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The nurse came out and told the first father, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins!"
"It figures," the first father said. "I'm the manager of the Minnesota Twins."
Five minutes later the nurse came out and told the second father, “Congratulations you're the father of triplets!"
"It figures," the second father said. "I'm the weatherman on Channel 3."
At that the third father fainted.
The second father turned to the first and asked, "What's the matter with him?"
The first father replied, "He works for 7-Up!"

Under The Bed
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Come to me three times a week for two years," said the psychiatrist, "and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Too expensive. My paperboy cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off my bed!"

+++++

Psychiatrist to his nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"