Friday's Funnies

Thanksgiving Prayer

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't need to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

 

Thanksgiving Q & A

 What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What is the Turkey's favorite black-tie celebration?
The Butter Ball

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you at Christmas.

Family Thanksgiving

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Dallas and tell her."

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

 

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, honey," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

Thanksgiving Groaners

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

 

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

 

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?

A turkey that can pluck itself.

 

What sound does a space turkey make?

Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

 

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

The turkey because he's already stuffed.

 

What do you call a stuffed animal?

You after thanksgiving.

 

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

 

Dad Joke

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.

 

Today’s Thought

If I was a turkey, I'd be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

Friday's Funnies

 Job Interview

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

I Know How You Feel

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."

Quick Thinking

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

Movie Night

My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her. We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix. She's still mad at me.

Stupid Inventions

Black Highlighter
Braille Driver's Manual
Clear Correction Fluid
Fake Rhinestones
Inflatable Dart Board
Mesh Umbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Super-glue Post-it Notes

 

Paranoia

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...this morning I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus program started running a scan on its own.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.


Things I Learned From Scooby Doo

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones" and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

Math

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

Genie

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of exotic foods, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

 

Dad Joke

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

Today’s Thought

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Friday's Funnies

Workout

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Remember

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, a lady was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. She couldn't help but laugh as she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember...after we land, run to Dad first, then the dog."

Anger Management

I don't need anger management. I just need people to stop making me mad.

 The Top Ten Dinner Dishes When Mom's Away and Dad's Cooking

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house.
8. Pizza.
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
5. Chips and salsa.
4. Cocoa Puff surprise.
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
2. Cold pizza.
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's.

So There’s That

I don't know how to use Tik Tok, but I can write in cursive, do long
division, and tell time with clocks that have hands. So, there's that.

Exercise

Exercise works best early in the morning before your brain figures out what you're doing.

So True

-        I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

-        I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

-        My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else...

-        Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

-        A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

-        Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

-        Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

-        I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

-        Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

-        I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

-        Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

-        Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

-        I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

-        I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

-        If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

Punctual

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Wisdom Of Groucho Marx 

-        Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

-        Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

-        If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

-        Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

-        I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

-        The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

-        While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

-        It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

-        An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

 I'm Not Old ... Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase this chap took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer -- can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit ... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.

Today’s Thought

One minute you're young and fun. Next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.