Friday's Funnies

Just Why?

 

If you wanted people to eat something would you name it succotash?

 

Who Am I

 

A very dirty, grubby little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?" Ready to play the game, she said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW!" cried the boy. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

 

Aging

 

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, "Haha, you think that's bad? Watch this."

 

Frustration

 

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad takes out his cell phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Roger, please?" "No! There's no one called Roger here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says the dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Roger a second time. "No, there's no one here called Roger. Go away. Don't call again." "That's aggravation," says Dad. "Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up his phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this is Roger. Have I received any phone calls?"

 

Interview

 

"So tell me, Mrs. Smith," asked the interviewer, "have you any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?"  "Actually, yes," said the applicant modestly. "Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I finished my novel." "Very impressive," he commented, "but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours." Mrs. Smith explained brightly, "Oh, but that was during office hours."

 

Running Away From Home

 

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!" The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he said. "Then I'll come home and eat!" bravely declared the child. "And what if you run out of money?" "I will come home and get some!" readily replied the child. The man made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?" "Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply. The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home; he's going off to college."

 

Cat T-Shirts

 

"Purrfection cannot be improved."

"If you don't like my attitude, you should see my cat."

"Menopaws: this is the hottest I've been in years."

"Take my advice. I'm not using it."

"I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?"

"Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know."

"Dogs have owners. Cats have staff."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this."

Jet Pilot vs Airline Pilot

 

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, a boring flight isn't it? Take care and have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, "Well, how was that?" The airplane pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!" The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?" The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake."

Three Wishes

 

A young kid found an old lamp. As always the lamp was rubbed and a genie appeared granting 3 wishes.

Genie: I will grant you three wishes!

Kid: I wish math didn't exist.

Genie: DONE! You have no more wishes.

 

Trial

 

A man is on trial for stealing an overcoat. The judge went straight to the point. "Did you steal this man's overcoat?" he demanded. "No sir," the defendant replied, with a grin. "I was just playing joke on him." "And where did you take the coat?" asked the judge. "I removed it from the coat rack in the restaurant and carried it home with me." "Guilty," snapped the judge.  "Guilty! Guilty of what?" asked the defendant. "Guilty of carrying a joke too far!"

 

Dad Joke

 

Jon once worked at a Chicago pizza shop to get by. He kneaded the dough.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Don’t annoy pediatricians. They have little patients.

Friday's Funnies

Don't forget to turn your clocks back. I'm turning mine back to when I was 20. Oh, and remember to set back your scales 10 lbs. as well!

 

Pastor Farewell

 

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said "Your successor won't be as good as you." "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone. "No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last."

 

Out of the Loop

 

Mr. Norton was in the hospital recovering from an operation when the nurse on duty received a call from a man who asked how Mr. Norton was doing. "Oh, quite well. We expect he'll be released in the morning." "Very good, thank you." "May I ask who is calling so that I can tell Mr. Norton?" inquired the nurse. "This IS Mr. Norton. The doctors don't tell me anything!"

Waiter!

 

One afternoon a waiter served a bowl of chicken soup to an elderly gentleman. As he turned away to return to the kitchen the customer stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

 

WAITER: "Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "The soup. Taste it."

WAITER: "I beg your pardon, Sir?"

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "But, Sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it."

WAITER: "Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."

CUSTOMER: "Taste it!"

WAITER: exasperated, "All right, Sir, I'll taste it."

 

Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?" To which the customer replied triumphantly, "Ah ha!!"

 

Mother’s Wedding Dress

 

When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son." "Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"

 

New Driver’s License

 

Arnold had just received his new driver's license. The family heads out to the driveway and climbs in the car.  Arnold is going to take them for a ride for the first time.  Dad immediately heads for the back seat and sits directly behind the newly-minted driver. "Hey Dad, I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all the months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father. Dad replies, "Nope, just start driving.  I'm gonna do like you've been doing to me all these years.  I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat."

 

Obituary

 

A lady sent in a long obituary. The paper called and told her the cost was so much per word. "Oh, my" she said, "Just change that to 'George died.'" The paper then told her that there was a five word minimum. "Well," she said, "make that 'George died, Buick for sale.'"

The Top Ten Dinner Dishes When Mom's Away and Dad's Cooking

 

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house.
8. Pizza.
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
5. Chips and salsa.
4. Cocoa Puff surprise.
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
2. Cold pizza.
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's.

 

Military Man

 

A military man should make an excellent husband. He can cook, sew, and make beds; he is in good health; and he's already used to taking orders.

 

License to Fish

 

A man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!" The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said the man. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"

Dad Joke

 

Doctors got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's walk, and the results were staggering.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I can't wait to set the clocks back this weekend and get an extra hour of unable to sleep.