Friday's Funnies

Fruitcakes

You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon-wrapped lumps in the mail. Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because nobody ever eats them." — Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"

Christmas Musings

We had cured ham for Christmas dinner. We all wondered what illness it was cured of.

From Andy Rooney...

"You know those shows where people can call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18 percent that say 'I don't know'? It costs 90 cents to call up and vote — and they're voting 'I don't know.' 'Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone.' (Into phone) 'I DON'T KNOW!' (Hangs up, looking proud.) Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about."

See?

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery. When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, "See the doggy?" Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me. However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, "See the baby?"

He Has It Covered

Over breakfast, a woman said to her husband, "I'll bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he answered, as if offended, and left for the office. At 10:00 a.m., a dozen red roses arrived at the house. At 1:00 p.m., a two-pound box of chocolates was delivered. The designer dress arrived at 3:00. When her husband came home, the woman ran to meet him and threw her arms around his neck, "I've never had a more wonderful 'First Day of Autumn' in my life!"

The Non-argument

Sal: "You get along so well with just everybody. How do you do it?"
Nat: "It's easy: I never disagree with anyone, no matter what."
Sal: "Oh, that's impossible!"
Nat: "You're absolutely right."

Point To Ponder

I am a Nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

Winter Migration

We purchased an old home in northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching, and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Millions of Years Ago

Overheard at the dinosaur exhibit in Disney's Animal Kingdom park: a confused woman complaining to her friend, "How could they possibly know the names of all those dinosaurs if they died 75 million years ago? And another thing, how do we even know they were called dinosaurs?"

Family trees

A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

This Just In...

"Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest."

Genes

They've just found a gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind a couple of other genes.

The secret to ice fishing

A man and a boy have been sitting out on a lake all day long ice fishing. The man has been having no luck at all while the boy has been pulling fish after fish out of his hole in the ice. The man finally leans over and asks the kid what his secret is. “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” is the reply. “I’m sorry, what did you say?” “mmmmm mmm mm mmm mmmm mmm mmm,” the kid repeats. “I’m sorry, I still didn’t understand you.” The boy spits something into his hand and says very clearly, “You’ve got to keep your worms warm!”

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Friday's Funnies

Silent Night?

Little Johnny ran up to his uncle's chair. "Uncle, tell me again - what do you want for Christmas?" The uncle smiled and repeated, "I just want some peace and quiet." Johnny's face drooped a bit as he replied, "I know, but I just came back from the mall and they're all out of it!"

Guess What

Three-year-old Elizabeth was helping her mother Melinda wrap a present for her father. While wrapping, Melinda told Elizabeth about keeping the present a secret so it would be a surprise. After the present was wrapped, Elizabeth proudly put it under the tree. When her father asked her if he could shake it and guess what's inside, she said, "No, T-shirts don't rattle."

On Second Thought

A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old son and I were talking. He asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?" "Well, what do you think?" I asked him. He replied, "Well, my Playstation that I got from you and my gift from Santa were wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought for a minute and said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on buying me presents and let's just forget we ever had this talk!"

Southern Wise Men

In a small Southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

Tree Search

Two backwoodsmen went deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

Christmas Cookies

A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies. She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery." And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!

Elf Jokes

• How many elves does it take to change a light bulb? Ten! One to change the light bulb and nine to stand on each other's shoulders!
• Why did Santa's helper see the doctor? Because he had a low elf-esteem!
• Why did the elf put his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log!
• What's the first thing elves learn in school? The "elf"-abet!
• Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars? Elfis!
• How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"
Disclaimer: We do not in any way mean to demean, diminish or discriminate against elves, and we humbly apologize to any elves who may have been offended by the above.

Christmas Cookie Rules

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.
2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.
3. If a friend comes over while you're making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend's first cookie is calorie free, (rule #1) yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.
4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.
6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five - one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!
7. Cookies eaten while watching "Miracle on 34th Street" have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
9. Any cookies consumed from someone else's plate have no calories since the calories Rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!
10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It's a rule!
So, go out and enjoy those Christmas Cookies - we only get them this time of year!

The Christmas Train

While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your brother Mike is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes. But after I asked Donnie this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."

A Politically Correct Greeting

To All My Liberal Friends:
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2011, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability or religious faith of the wishee.

To My Conservative Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Friday's Funnies

Singing By Request

Alfie had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." "That's nice of you, Alfie," she said. "Why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"

Famous Last Words

• Well, we're the next best thing to a bank.
• It's OK to format this disk.
• I bet I can fit in there.
• Just tell them you're a friend of mine.
• Hey ya'll, watch this!
• No, honey, I'm sure I locked the door!
• Here goes nothing!
• Ha, that's just a story they made up to scare the kids.
• I'm all right; it's just a minor cut.
• Last one, I promise.

Sight Unseen

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

How to Bathe the Cat

• Thoroughly clean the toilet.
• Lift both lids and add shampoo.
• Find and soothe cat as you carry him/her to the bathroom.
• In one swift move, place cat in toilet, close both lids, and stand on top so cat cannot escape.
• The cat will self agitate and produce ample suds (ignore ruckus from inside toilet; cat is actually enjoying this).
• Flush toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides power rinse, which is quite effective.
• Have someone open outside door; stand as far from toilet as possible, and quickly lift both lids.
• Clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and go outdoors where its hair will self-dry.

— Sincerely, The Dog

Deer Hunting

A doctor, a lawyer and a Southern Baptist preacher from Oklahoma went deer hunting.
They hunted all day and had no luck. But when they got back to their vehicle, they saw a magnificent buck emerge from the woods. This was at least a 12-point buck. He was huge!

They all raised their rifles and fired at the same time. The deer went down. An argument ensued as to who was the lucky person that had dropped the buck. About that time, the game warden drove up. He said he had heard them arguing and asked what it was about. They told him it was about who had shot the buck.

After checking all their licenses to make sure they were hunting legally, he stated he would go look and see who shot the buck. They asked him how he was going to find out. He told them to just wait…

When he came back, he congratulated the preacher on his fine kill. When the other two pressed the game warden as to how he knew the preacher killed the buck, he replied that if the lawyer had killed it, he would have shot it in the rear. If the doctor had killed it he would have shot it in the heart. Since the bullet went in one ear and out the other, there was no doubt that the preacher was the one who shot it…

Lots of Love

"I'll miss you, Great-Grandma," wrote my mother's great-grandson in an e-mail he sent before shipping out to Iraq.

"I'll miss you too, dear," she responded. "Stay safe. LOL, Great-Grandma."

Poor Mom didn't realize that LOL doesn't stand for "lots of love."

Dinosaur bones

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, “Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”

The guard replies, “They are 3 million, four years, and six months old.”

“That’s an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”

The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”

Tree problem

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.

“I know exactly what’s wrong with your magnolia,” said the manager.

“Good,” said my wife. “What’s it suffering from?”

“Autumn,” he replied.

Women and Sports

The reason women don't play football is that 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Friday's Funnies

Post-Thanksgiving

Did you hear the one about the man who ate so much over the holidays that he decided to quit cold turkey?

Sweet

A little boy asked his dad for a dollar to give to a little old lady in the park. His father, impressed by his son's kindness, gave him the dollar. "There you are my son," said the father. "But, tell me, isn't the little lady able to work any more?” The boy replied, "She sells candy."

Great Truths that Adults Have Learned

• Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
• Wrinkles don't hurt.
• Families are like fudge -- mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
• Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
• Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
• Medical Intervention
• "Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands from shaking!" "Do you drink a lot of coffee?" "Not really - I spill most of it!"

Here's His Chance

A retired pastor and his wife were having a dinner party to which they invited many people they had known over the years. His wife said, "Why don't you stand at the door and call the guests' names as they arrive?" "Great idea," said the retiree. "I've been wanting to do that for years."

Gallagher's Obituary

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney. "Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you callin' from?"

The College Exam

The professor of a graduate-school class included a huge amount of material on the midterm exam. As tension in the room built, people were sighing and gasping aloud. The following week the professor tossed the graded papers on her desk and announced, "Class, after I left here last week, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Thanks, professor. I haven't heard from some of those people in years!'"

The Eye Exam

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

Computer Gender

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. They'll do whatever you say, if you push the right buttons;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

On Retirement Time

Retirement is the best thing that has happened to my brother-in-law. "I never know what day of the week it is," he gloated. "All I know is, the day the big paper comes, I have to dress up and go to church."

One Liners

- I can’t cook. I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

- My friend is a procrastinator. He’s afraid of Saturday the 14th.