Friday's Funnies

 Baseball heaven

 

Jon and Chad, both in their 90's, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Jon suddenly fell deathly ill. Chad visited Jon on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Jon had only a few more minutes to live, Chad said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." With his dying breath, Jon whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer." A few days after Jon died, Chad is sleeping when he hears Jon's voice. Jon says, "Chad, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow's double-header."’

 

On-board Computer

 

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: "Time for service."

 

Benefits Of A Healthy Lifestyle

 

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard. At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. "Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?" One young student put up his hand and said, "If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won't get worms."

A Woman's Prayer

 

Dear Lord... So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, or complained. I have not charged on my credit card or eaten any chocolate. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that! Amen

 

My Healthy Routine

 

Woke up at 5:00 a.m.
Completed my 8k run.
Came home and made a vegetable smoothie.
Sorry, I don't remember the rest of the dream.

Chicago Cab Driver

 

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"

 

You Are a Bad Cook If...

 

- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Nutritious Eating

 

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy. I now have a whole new outlook on life.

The Proposal

 

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93-year-old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn't seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. "Hello Greta," said Morton, "I have a funny question for you. Do you remember last night when I proposed?"  "Oh my gosh!" gushed Greta. "I'm so glad you called! I knew I said 'yes' to somebody but I just couldn't recall who it was!"

Freezer Order

 

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals. Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie." If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food." That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

 

Dad Joke

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 

Today’s Thought

Mosquitoes are the most beautiful singers in the whole world. Even though we don't like them, we still clap.

Friday's Funnies

 Top 5 signs that gasoline has gotten way too expensive:

1. A gas station is offering a free car with every fill up.
2. Any purchase over a gallon requires a credit check.
3. Price is now in gold bullion.
4. Texaco now offering monthly payment plans.
5. You're excited to find gas at under $5 a half cup.

Arithmetic

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" "One dollar." "You don't know your arithmetic." "You don't know my father!"

WiFi Code

Set your Wi-Fi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678.

 

Know Your Math!

 

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Aging

You know you've reached middle age when you when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Post Office Job

 

Paul got a part-time job at the post office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were almost a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

Funny Signs

 

-        Every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal.

-        If you don't remember their name, take them to Starbucks.

-        Two silk worms were in a race. It ended in a tie.

-        I went to the Air and Space Museum, but there was nothing there.

-        Ants are healthy because they have little anti bodies.

-        If a cow can't make milk, is it an udder failure or a milk dud?

-        I went bald but I still kept my comb. I just can't part with it.

-        Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

-        Finland has closed its border. No one can cross the Finnish line.

-        Don't give up on your dreams; keep sleeping.

-        You're the "she" to my nanigans.

 

Song Writer

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

 

Young Businessman

 

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

 

Oversleeping

 

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm! He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said. "The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" "That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

 

Funeral Home Humor

 

A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home. When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, "It's good to see you." His reply, "It's better to be seen than to be viewed."

 

Chopsticks

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.  "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."  The waiter inspected her chopsticks.  "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

Dad Joke

What's the difference between a cheapskate and a canoe? A canoe will sometimes tip.

 

Today’s Thought

Taxes are a yearly subscription to the country you live in. Childhood is the free trial.

Friday's Funnies

 Yearly Physical

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. "OF COURSE IT'S HIGH!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

Job Title

 

I had to take a whole load of tree limbs to the dump today in my trailer at work. I came to realize that when I prayed for a job as a branch manager, I needed to be a little more specific.

Panic Attacks

 

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor. "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day," the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Am I crazy?" "Not at all," the doctor said. "You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome."

 

Ways To Tell You're Over The Hill

 

-        You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.

-        You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

-        Lawn care is the highlight of your week.

-        You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah."

-        Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.

-        You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.

-        Your bed has more options than your car.

-        One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.

-        It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.

-        You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.

-        You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.

-        You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

-        You look both ways before crossing a room.

 

Good News And Bad News For A Pastor

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: She has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they're armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

 

Kids' Kwotes

 

-        "Close the curtains," requested a tot, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

-        Someone asked a youngster when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

-        Seeing her first hailstorm, a 3-year-old exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

-        As her gramma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

-        When a child heard that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

-        While shampooing her son, age 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

-        When complimented on her vocabulary, the 5-year-old nonchalantly responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

-        His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy," he gulped, "You already have a little son -- me!"

-        When a boy reported two look-alike classmates at school, his parents said they were probably twins. The next day, he came home all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They're not only twins, they're brothers!"

 

Truth Tells

After being retired for a couple of years and completing all the jobs my wife had lined up for me, I began to feel somewhat useless and decided to enroll in a couple of courses at the local adult-education school. I noted, upon registration, that there was no tuition fee for a person over 60. As I handed my tediously-filled-out papers to the clerk, I announced, "I'm 63." Then, pulling out my wallet, I asked if she wanted to see my driver's license. She replied, "No, that's okay." A little surprised, I asked, "Oh, do I look honest?" "No," she answered. "You look 63."

 

Today’s Thought

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

Friday's Funnies

 Fair Warning

My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?" "Yes, ma'am, we sure do" he courteously replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"

Again For The First Time

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they were handicapped accessible. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before.

Funny Signs

 

-        I call my horse Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs.

-        Frog parking only. All others will be toad.

-        A dentist married a manicurist. They fought tooth and nail.

-        Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but cats can.

-        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know Y.

-        When I was on the computer I couldn't find ESC and I lost CTRL.

-        Upholsterers never die; they just recover.

-        Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

The New Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

WIFI

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

 

Things You Don’t Hear Any More

~ "Be sure to refill the ice trays."

~ "Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed."

~ "Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up."

~ "Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle."

~ "Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one."

~ "You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise."

~ "Don't sit too close to the TV. It's hard on your eyes."

~ "Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes."

~ "No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?"

~ "It's time for your system to get cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight."

~ "Quit crossing your eyes! They'll get stuck that way!"

 

Need a Lift?

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

So Old...

• She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth -- she lies about her age.
• She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.
• When it comes to telling her age, she's shy -- about 10 years shy.
• I've stopped exercising. Pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.
• He's so old he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.
• He's so old he just got a solicitation from an old-age home marked "Urgent."

"Grandma's Memories"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, which hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. Then, after pausing to ponder all of this, she told her grandmother, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Dad Joke

 

Paid for a limousine and the driver never showed up. I paid all that money and got nothing to chauffeur it.

Today’s Thought

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.