Please note that due to travel, there will not be any Friday's Funnies over the next 4 weeks.
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New and Improved IRS Form 1040-2EZ
(Tax Year 2007)
Name:
Address:
City:
State:
Zip:
Social Security Number:___-__-____
1. How much money did you make in 2007? $_____________
2. Send it to us: IRS Payment Processing Center, Memphis, TN
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So That's What It Means
Sam and Ruth had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury. "I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth wondered. "It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is...rear defrosters."
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Archeology 101
Last January the "New Orleans Times Picayune" reported that a Cajun amateur archeologist having dug to a depth of 10 meters found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years. He concluded that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Cajuns, in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly after, headlines in the "Dallas Morning News" read, "Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200-year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred years earlier than the Cajuns." One week later, "The Grant County Press" reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near Cabins, WV, Bubba Williams, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago in West Virginia they were already using wireless."
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"But officer..."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say,..."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
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"Debt"
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!"
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Minnesota Clergymen!
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground. The sign read:
Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It's Too Late!
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!"
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Rev. Ole turned to Pastor Sven and asked . . . "Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say 'Bridge Out'?"
Friday, April 11, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Friday's Funnies
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played in all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's softball there." Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
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"Your fortune"
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
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Gift Registry
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
Forgive Our Enemies
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One hundred and one." "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
A Cluttered Desk Is...
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk. GREAT! So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
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A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! The husband became 92 years old.
Shortly after that, Rose passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb." "Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Barb -- it's me, Rose."
"You're not Rose. Rose just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice. "Rose! Where are you?"
"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.
"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."
"That's fantastic," said Barb.. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"
"You're pitching Tuesday."
+++++
"Your fortune"
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell your weight and fortune and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Uh huh," his wife nodded. She then pointed at the card, "Look, it has your weight wrong, too."
+++++
Gift Registry
My sister went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they registered for Nintendo games."
Forgive Our Enemies
In his Sunday sermon, the minister used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After the sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied, he harangued the congregation for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This received a response of eighty percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. All responded except one elderly gentleman in the rear. "Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "One hundred and one." "Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to be one hundred and one and not have an enemy in the world." The old man teetered down the aisle, slowly turned to face the congregation, smiled and said, "I outlived every one of them!"
A Cluttered Desk Is...
About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paperwork clutter on my desk. GREAT! So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk. Now I can't find them.
+++++
A married couple in their early 60s were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table saying, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband," said the wife. The fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment, and then said, "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and -- poof! The husband became 92 years old.
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