Friday's Funnies

 New Year’s Resolution 

A new year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

The Real World

Recently launched into the "real world" and shocked by the expenses that came with it, Bob was complaining about the high cost of auto insurance. "If you got married," teased his friend Brad, "the premium would be lower." Bob responded, "But wouldn't that be like buying an airline just to get free peanuts?"

Fractions 

I only believe in 12.5% of the Bible…. I guess that makes me an eighth-theist.

 

Challenge 

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith.  "I'm a millionaire," he said, "and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God's work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today."  He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: "I dare you to do it again."

 

Wind Chill 

The guy who came up with wind chill factor died recently … he was 89 but felt like 64.

 

Points To Ponder. Briefly. 

-          It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

-          Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

-          A rule of grammar, double negatives are a no no.

-          I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink. Turns out it was the refrigerator.

-          A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

-          A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

-          I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

-          Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.

What's Proper

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was very insistent. His response was, "Yes, sir!"? Correcting him, she said, "You would say, 'yes, sir,' to a man. I am a lady, and you would say 'yes, ma'am,' to a lady." To quiz him on this lesson, she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?" "Yes, sir!" came the reply. "Then what would you say to Mama?" "Yes, ma'am!" he proudly answered. "Good job! Now, what would you say to Grandma? He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"

Multitasking

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Low Tech Solution

As the manager of our hospital's softball team, I was responsible for returning equipment to the proper owners at the end of the season. When I walked into the surgery department carrying a bat that belonged to one of the surgeons, I passed several patients and their families in a waiting area. "Look, honey," one man said to his wife. "Here comes your anesthesiologist."

 

Signs Found in Kitchens 

-          If you don't like my cooking, lower your standards.

-          This is a self-cleaning kitchen — you use it, you clean it yourself.

-          There are two choices for supper in this kitchen — take it or leave it.

-          Don't criticize the coffee. You may be old and weak yourself someday.

-          Kitchen closed due to illness... I'm sick of cooking!

 

Ever Noticed 

Have you ever noticed that when people say, "To make a long story short ..." it's already too late?

 

Headlines From The Year 2039 

-          Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

-          85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

-          Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

-          Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

-          Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

-          New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2040.

-          IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

 

Dad Joke

A high school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, and a calculator.  Authorities charged him with carrying weapons of math instruction.

 

Today’s Thought

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. 

Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Knock, Knock Jokes

Knock, knock! Who's there? Noah. Noah who? Noah good Christmas joke?

Knock, knock. Who's there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey know how long it is until Santa gets here?

 

Mall Santa Claus

The Santa Claus at the mall was very surprised when a young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap.  Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him, so he said, "OK, you can ask for something, but it has to be for someone other than yourself. What do you want for Christmas?"  "Something for my mother," said the young lady.  "Something for your mother? Well, that's very thoughtful of you," smiled Santa. "What do you want me to bring her? " Without blinking she replied, "A son-in-law!"

If …

 

If you see a fat man who's jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,

And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh

With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along,
then let's face it...

Your eggnog's too strong!

Buying Christmas Gifts For Men

 

Buying gifts for men on Christmas is not nearly as complicated as it is for women. Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

 

Rule #1:

When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

 

Rule #2:

If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

 

Rule #3:

If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car, a 99 cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

 

Rule #4:

You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

 

Rule #5:

Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. (ABSOLUTELY TRUE!!)

 

Rule #6:

Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. No one knows why.

 

Rule #7:

Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.) It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! thanks.")

 

Rule #8:

Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. (No one knows why) Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

 

Rule #9:

Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

 

Rule #10:

Men love chain saws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chain saw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

 

Rule #11:

It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

 

Rule #12:

Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

 

Dad Joke

 

How much does Santa pay for parking?  Nothing, it’s on the house.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Bought a pack of animal crackers, but I had to take them back because the seal was broken...

 

Friday's Funnies

 Vacation

 

Linda and Marion were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business. "I started a new practice last year," Linda said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months." "Why in the world would you do that?" Marion asked. "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without," Linda said.

Song Writer

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

 

Two Crows

 

Two crows were in a field when they noticed a figure that looked like a man in the distance. "See that over there? What is that?" asks the first crow. The second crows takes a long look and then says, "That's a scarecrow. Looks authentic, doesn't it?" "How can you tell it's a scarecrow and not a person?" replies the first crow. "Look at its hands," says the second crow. "It's not holding a mobile phone."

 

Crazy Thoughts

 

2,000 pounds of human hair en route to a wig factory fell onto the highway when the truck carrying it overturned. No one was injured, and everyone is looking for clues as to why the accident happened. State Police, in fact, are still combing the area.

Curious as to why cowboys always want to "die with their boots on," a greenhorn from the city asked one of them one day. "Well," said the cowboy, "I reckon it's so we won't hurt our toes when we kick the bucket."

I've always wanted to be the guy who tests the mattresses. It seems like such a dream job.

My uncle was arrested for throwing bombs off a boat, but they dropped the charges.

If we're not careful to conserve our water resources, we could go from one ex-stream to another.

If you trade a sausage for a sea bird, have you taken a tern for the wurst?

 

Fighting Boys

 

I was the substitute youth leader at a local synagogue when two boys who were fighting were brought to me.  They were brothers.  I asked what's the problem?  The first answered, "He called me ugly!!"  The second one said, "That was after you said I had a face like a frog!"  I tried very hard not to laugh... they were identical twins!

Q & A

 

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one. 

How do you stop a bull from charging? Cancel its credit card.

How do you follow Will Smith in the Mud? Follow the fresh prints.

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts? A barberqueue.

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? If they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

 

Unnecessary Inventions

 

There is a famous saying which states that "necessity is the mother of invention," however the inventions on this list seem far from necessary.

Colored Elastics For Braces:
As if the braces didn't make your mouth stand out enough.

Crayons That Smell:
Oh, good, let's give kids another reason to eat them.

Juicers:
Carrot-peach-avocado-rhutabaga-pomegranate-yam juice was not meant to be.

Colored Contact Lenses:
Oh, yeah, purple is such a natural eye color.

Fake Eyelashes:
You shouldn't be able to braid your eyelashes.

Those Crocheted Kleenex Box Covers:
Kleenex does not get chilly.

Heated and/or Padded Toilet Seats:
Your not supposed to spend the day there. Comfort should not be a pressing concern. Get in, do your thing, and get out.

Doggie Sweaters:
Fido is not Mr. Rogers, nor does he want to be Mr. Rogers.

City Preacher

 

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.  With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife… "

 

Dad Joke

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.’

 

Today’s Thought

The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got. 

 

Friday's Funnies

Thanksgiving Prayer

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't need to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!"

 

Thanksgiving Q & A

 What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I'm stuffed!

Why do Pilgrims have trouble keeping their pants up?
'Cause they wear their belts on their hats!

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey?
Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What is the Turkey's favorite black-tie celebration?
The Butter Ball

How do you keep a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you at Christmas.

Family Thanksgiving

A man in Chicago calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

 

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Dallas and tell her."

 

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "No way they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

 

She calls Chicago immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

 

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay, honey," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

 

Thanksgiving Groaners

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

Pilgrims

 

What happened when the turkey got into a fight?

He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

 

What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?

A turkey that can pluck itself.

 

What sound does a space turkey make?

Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.

 

Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

 

Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving?

The turkey because he's already stuffed.

 

What do you call a stuffed animal?

You after thanksgiving.

 

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Pumpkin pi.

 

Dad Joke

My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey.

 

Today’s Thought

If I was a turkey, I'd be doing everything I could to taste terrible right now.

Friday's Funnies

 Job Interview

The interviewer examined the job application then turned to the prospective employee. "I see you have put ASAP down for the date you are available to start, meaning as soon as possible, of course. However, I see you've put AMAP down for required salary. I don't believe I've ever seen that before, what does it mean?" The applicant replied, "As Much as Possible!"

I Know How You Feel

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, "I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too."

Quick Thinking

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

Movie Night

My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her. We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix. She's still mad at me.

Stupid Inventions

Black Highlighter
Braille Driver's Manual
Clear Correction Fluid
Fake Rhinestones
Inflatable Dart Board
Mesh Umbrella
Motorcycle Air Conditioner
Sugar Coated Toothpaste
Super-glue Post-it Notes

 

Paranoia

Paranoia has reached absurd stages...this morning I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus program started running a scan on its own.

Kids Are Quick

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.


Things I Learned From Scooby Doo

1. If you are traveling down a scary road in the middle of swamp country, plan on your van breaking down.

2. It is impossible to overuse the word "Like."

3. Never, ever, ever trust a man who goes by the nickname "Old Man Jones" and who manages an abandoned hotel or castle.

4. When in a hurry, dogs make great motorcycles...and water skis.

5. You can pull off some of the greatest scams with wire, bed sheets, and a hologram machine.

6. It's never a good idea to stop in an abandoned town for pizza - bad things happen.

7. Disco music and a submarine sandwich makes everything better.

8. Bad guys always hide behind paintings, so make sure you watch the eyes.

9. Whenever you need to split up, send the two most ignorant members of your party together - it's just plain fun.

Math

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

Genie

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of exotic foods, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office right after lunch."

 

Dad Joke

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

Today’s Thought

I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

Friday's Funnies

Workout

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Remember

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, a lady was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son. She couldn't help but laugh as she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember...after we land, run to Dad first, then the dog."

Anger Management

I don't need anger management. I just need people to stop making me mad.

 The Top Ten Dinner Dishes When Mom's Away and Dad's Cooking

10. Hot dogs with just a hint of Tabasco.
9. "Kids eat free" night at the steak house.
8. Pizza.
7. Broiled bologna benedict on rye.
6. Back-of-the-fridge goulash (with lots of pepper).
5. Chips and salsa.
4. Cocoa Puff surprise.
3. Something old, something blue, something frozen, call it stew.
2. Cold pizza.
1. Whatever's cooking at Grandma's.

So There’s That

I don't know how to use Tik Tok, but I can write in cursive, do long
division, and tell time with clocks that have hands. So, there's that.

Exercise

Exercise works best early in the morning before your brain figures out what you're doing.

So True

-        I used to be able to do cartwheels. Now I tip over putting on my underwear.

-        I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together.

-        My wife says I only have 2 faults. I don't listen and something else...

-        Day 12 without chocolate. Lost hearing in my left eye.

-        A dog accepts you as the boss. A cat wants to see your resume.

-        Life is too short to waste time matching socks.

-        Wi-fi went down for five minutes, so I had to talk to my family. They seem like nice people.

-        I won't be impressed with technology until I can download food.

-        Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

-        I really don't mind getting old, but my body is having a major fit.

-        Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.

-        Project Manager. Because Miracle Worker isn't an official job title.

-        I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

-        I've reached the age where my train of thought often leaves the station without me.

-        If you're happy and you know it, it's your meds.

Punctual

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?" He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Wisdom Of Groucho Marx 

-        Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

-        Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

-        If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

-        Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

-        I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

-        The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

-        While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

-        It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

-        An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of bandages and adhesive tape.

 I'm Not Old ... Just Mature

Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.

From my purchase this chap took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."

I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you seniors, the coffee is free."

Understand -- I'm not old -- I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer -- can't hear what they say.

My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I've slowed down a bit ... not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old ... I'm only mature.

Today’s Thought

One minute you're young and fun. Next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

Friday's Funnies

 Baseball heaven

 

Jon and Chad, both in their 90's, had played professional baseball together and, after they retired, had remained close friends. Jon suddenly fell deathly ill. Chad visited Jon on his deathbed. After they talked a while and it became obvious that Jon had only a few more minutes to live, Chad said, "Listen old friend. After you die, try and get a message back to me. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." With his dying breath, Jon whispers, "If God permits, I'll do my best to get you an answer." A few days after Jon died, Chad is sleeping when he hears Jon's voice. Jon says, "Chad, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, yes, there IS baseball in heaven. The bad news is, you're scheduled to pitch the top half of tomorrow's double-header."’

 

On-board Computer

 

A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement: "Time for service."

 

Benefits Of A Healthy Lifestyle

 

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard. At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. "Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?" One young student put up his hand and said, "If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won't get worms."

A Woman's Prayer

 

Dear Lord... So far today, I am doing all right. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or self-indulgent. I have not whined, or complained. I have not charged on my credit card or eaten any chocolate. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that! Amen

 

My Healthy Routine

 

Woke up at 5:00 a.m.
Completed my 8k run.
Came home and made a vegetable smoothie.
Sorry, I don't remember the rest of the dream.

Chicago Cab Driver

 

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"

 

You Are a Bad Cook If...

 

- The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire
- You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark!
- Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop.
- Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like.
- The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols.
- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.
- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.
- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.
- Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk.
- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.
- Your family prays AFTER they eat!

Nutritious Eating

 

According to a recent article I just read on nutrition, they said eating right doesn't have to be complicated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell if you're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with bright colors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that this morning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was delicious! I never knew eating right could be so easy. I now have a whole new outlook on life.

The Proposal

 

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93-year-old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn't seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. "Hello Greta," said Morton, "I have a funny question for you. Do you remember last night when I proposed?"  "Oh my gosh!" gushed Greta. "I'm so glad you called! I knew I said 'yes' to somebody but I just couldn't recall who it was!"

Freezer Order

 

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals. Forget calling them "Veal Parmigiana" or "Turkey Loaf" or "Beef Pot Pie." If you look in my freezer you'll see "Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," and, my favorite, "Food." That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I'm certain to have what he wants."

 

Dad Joke

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

 

Today’s Thought

Mosquitoes are the most beautiful singers in the whole world. Even though we don't like them, we still clap.

Friday's Funnies

 Top 5 signs that gasoline has gotten way too expensive:

1. A gas station is offering a free car with every fill up.
2. Any purchase over a gallon requires a credit check.
3. Price is now in gold bullion.
4. Texaco now offering monthly payment plans.
5. You're excited to find gas at under $5 a half cup.

Arithmetic

"If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?" "One dollar." "You don't know your arithmetic." "You don't know my father!"

WiFi Code

Set your Wi-Fi password to 2444666668888888. So when someone asks tell them it's 12345678.

 

Know Your Math!

 

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to an interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job. About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Aging

You know you've reached middle age when you when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

Post Office Job

 

Paul got a part-time job at the post office. The first assignment his supervisor gave him was sorting the mail. Paul separated the letters so fast that his motions were almost a blur. Extremely pleased by this, the supervisor approached Paul at the end of his first day. "I just want you to know," the supervisor said, "that I'm very pleased with the job you did today. You're one of the fastest workers we've ever had." "Thank you, sir," said Paul, beaming, "and tomorrow I'll try to do even better." "Better?" the supervisor asked with astonishment. "How can you possibly do any better than you did today?" Paul replied, "Tomorrow I'm going to read the addresses."

Funny Signs

 

-        Every fight is a food fight if you are a cannibal.

-        If you don't remember their name, take them to Starbucks.

-        Two silk worms were in a race. It ended in a tie.

-        I went to the Air and Space Museum, but there was nothing there.

-        Ants are healthy because they have little anti bodies.

-        If a cow can't make milk, is it an udder failure or a milk dud?

-        I went bald but I still kept my comb. I just can't part with it.

-        Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

-        Finland has closed its border. No one can cross the Finnish line.

-        Don't give up on your dreams; keep sleeping.

-        You're the "she" to my nanigans.

 

Song Writer

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines. He is a Singer song writer. Or sew it seams.

 

Young Businessman

 

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

 

Oversleeping

 

This guy had a problem of oversleeping. He was always late for work, and his boss was getting mad. So he went to the doctor and got some pills that were supposed to help. That night he slept well and woke up even before the alarm! He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said. "The pill the doctor gave me actually worked!" "That's fine," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?"

 

Funeral Home Humor

 

A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home. When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, "It's good to see you." His reply, "It's better to be seen than to be viewed."

 

Chopsticks

My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair.  "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils."  The waiter inspected her chopsticks.  "Very beautiful," he said politely. "Ivory."

Dad Joke

What's the difference between a cheapskate and a canoe? A canoe will sometimes tip.

 

Today’s Thought

Taxes are a yearly subscription to the country you live in. Childhood is the free trial.

Friday's Funnies

 Yearly Physical

 

I went to the doctor for my yearly physical. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," I say. The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," I say. The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'5". She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high. "OF COURSE IT'S HIGH!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"

 

Job Title

 

I had to take a whole load of tree limbs to the dump today in my trailer at work. I came to realize that when I prayed for a job as a branch manager, I needed to be a little more specific.

Panic Attacks

 

Carpooling to work, a man got increasingly stressed with each trip. After a week of panic attacks, he went to the doctor. "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic and even in the dark after a long day," the man explained. "But when I go through the tunnels with those three other guys, I feel like I'm gonna explode. Am I crazy?" "Not at all," the doctor said. "You just have Car-pool Tunnel Syndrome."

 

Ways To Tell You're Over The Hill

 

-        You find your foot tapping along with accordion music.

-        You're sitting on a park bench one day and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

-        Lawn care is the highlight of your week.

-        You light the candles on your birthday cake ... and a group of campers joins hands around it and begins singing "Kum Ba Yah."

-        Your insurance company sends you their calendar ... one month at a time.

-        You've noticed that gelatin desserts are a lot tougher to chew these days.

-        Your bed has more options than your car.

-        One of the throw pillows on your sofa is a hot water bottle.

-        It takes a couple of tries to get over speed bumps.

-        You discover that the words, "whippersnapper," "scalawag," and "by cracky" have begun creeping into your vocabulary.

-        You hear yourself saying, "Why, I remember when...." more than three times a day.

-        You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

-        You look both ways before crossing a room.

 

Good News And Bad News For A Pastor

Good News: The Women's Guild voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.
Bad News: She has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination's region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.
Bad News: It's in the middle of the night and they're armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

 

Kids' Kwotes

 

-        "Close the curtains," requested a tot, sitting in a pool of bright light. "The sun's looking at me too hard."

-        Someone asked a youngster when he would turn 6. He replied, "When I'm tired of being 5."

-        Seeing her first hailstorm, a 3-year-old exclaimed, "Mommy, it's raining dumplings!"

-        As her gramma frantically waved away a pesky fly with a white dishtowel, the granddaughter observed, "Maybe he thinks you're surrendering."

-        When a child heard that her aunt just had a baby and it looked like her uncle, she said, "You mean he has a mustache?"

-        While shampooing her son, age 4, the mom noted his hair was growing so fast he'd soon need it cut. He replied, "Maybe we shouldn't water it so much."

-        When complimented on her vocabulary, the 5-year-old nonchalantly responded, "I have words in my head I haven't even used yet."

-        His mom informed Brian that she was going outside to get a little sun. "But Mommy," he gulped, "You already have a little son -- me!"

-        When a boy reported two look-alike classmates at school, his parents said they were probably twins. The next day, he came home all bubbly and said, "Guess what? They're not only twins, they're brothers!"

 

Truth Tells

After being retired for a couple of years and completing all the jobs my wife had lined up for me, I began to feel somewhat useless and decided to enroll in a couple of courses at the local adult-education school. I noted, upon registration, that there was no tuition fee for a person over 60. As I handed my tediously-filled-out papers to the clerk, I announced, "I'm 63." Then, pulling out my wallet, I asked if she wanted to see my driver's license. She replied, "No, that's okay." A little surprised, I asked, "Oh, do I look honest?" "No," she answered. "You look 63."

 

Today’s Thought

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

Friday's Funnies

 Fair Warning

My son, a West Virginia state trooper, stopped a woman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed her a ticket, she asked him, "Don't you give out warnings?" "Yes, ma'am, we sure do" he courteously replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 55.'"

Again For The First Time

Three gentlemen were all born the same year and decided to go to lunch together to celebrate turning 50. They decided to go out to the local German restaurant because they had pretty waitresses. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 60 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because the food was good. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 70 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they were handicapped accessible. The next time they decided to celebrate turning 80 years old and decided to go to the local German restaurant because they had never been there before.

Funny Signs

 

-        I call my horse Mayo. Sometimes Mayo neighs.

-        Frog parking only. All others will be toad.

-        A dentist married a manicurist. They fought tooth and nail.

-        Dogs can't operate MRI scanners, but cats can.

-        I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, but I don't know Y.

-        When I was on the computer I couldn't find ESC and I lost CTRL.

-        Upholsterers never die; they just recover.

-        Why did the capacitor kiss the diode? He just couldn't resistor.

The New Test

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by a policeman. "What are those machetes doing in your car?" asks the cop. "I juggle them in my act." "Oh, yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let's see you do it." So the juggler gets out and starts tossing and catching the knives. Another man driving by slows down to watch. "Wow" says the passer-by. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

 

WIFI

Prayer is the original wireless communication.

 

Things You Don’t Hear Any More

~ "Be sure to refill the ice trays."

~ "Don't forget to wind the clock before you go to bed."

~ "Why can't you remember to roll up your pant legs? Getting them caught in the bicycle chain so many times is tearing them up."

~ "Be sure and pour the cream off the top of the milk when you open the new bottle."

~ "Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won't have to pay a deposit on another one."

~ "You can walk to the store; it won't hurt you to get some exercise."

~ "Don't sit too close to the TV. It's hard on your eyes."

~ "Go out to the well and draw a bucket of water so I can wash dishes."

~ "No! I don't have nine cents for you to go to the show. Do you think money grows on trees?"

~ "It's time for your system to get cleaned out. I am going to give you a dose of castor oil tonight."

~ "Quit crossing your eyes! They'll get stuck that way!"

 

Need a Lift?

As a concierge at a posh resort, I was often asked about the ski facilities. One day a couple who had just checked in after a long flight came by and asked me where the lift was. "Go down the hill," I told them, "out the door, past the pool, 200 yards down the block, and you'll see it on your right." Their tired faces suddenly looked even more exhausted, until the man behind them spoke up. "These folks are from England," he said. "I think they're looking for the elevator."

So Old...

• She's discovered the secret of perpetual youth -- she lies about her age.
• She's been pressing 30 so long, it's pleated.
• When it comes to telling her age, she's shy -- about 10 years shy.
• I've stopped exercising. Pushing 50 is enough exercise for me.
• He's so old he knew the Big Dipper when it was just a drinking cup.
• He's so old he just got a solicitation from an old-age home marked "Urgent."

"Grandma's Memories"

A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire, which hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking all this in. Then, after pausing to ponder all of this, she told her grandmother, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

Dad Joke

 

Paid for a limousine and the driver never showed up. I paid all that money and got nothing to chauffeur it.

Today’s Thought

People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a good electrician.

Friday's Funnies

 Sick Day

 

Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied male obesity to a virus. One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work. "Did you read the paper?" he asked. "Yes. I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat."

 

Groaners

 

How does an attorney sleep?  First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.

 

I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.

 

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

 

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music? The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

 

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any.

 

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

 

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

 

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.

 

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

 

What's Wrong With Me

 

A guy walks into a doctor's office. He has a sausage coming out of his ear, a waffle coming out of his nose, and bacon coming out of his other ear. He says worriedly, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, ''You're not eating properly.'

Argument

 

A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."

 

Contagious

 

A man feels very ill upon returning to the U.S. from a trip abroad. He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. "This is your doctor. We've got the results back from your tests, and we've found you have an exceptionally dangerous virus that is extremely contagious!" "Oh my," cries the man in a panic, "What are you going to do?!" Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and quesadillas."  "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "No, but it's the only food we can get under the door."

Important Document

 

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

 

Time Off

 

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work," said the man. "How do you think you will do that?" said the other. He proceeded to show her by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down. The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. "I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? "Home. I can't work in the dark."

 

What Would You Like To Be?

 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans. What'll it be?" The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains." "So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest. The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?" "No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing. The week's a freebie." "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud." "So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears. A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult." "Why?" asked the Lord. St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."

Drunk Driver

 

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other vehicle was a cow.

 

Dad Joke

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start, but I made it!

 

Today’s Thought

 

Bringing my dog named SHARK to the beach yesterday was probably not the best idea.