Friday's Funnies

 

Cab Colors

 

Two cab drivers met.  "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"  "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

 

Smart Kid

 

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs. Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?”  Mrs. Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.”  Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs. Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."

 

Top Secret Government Base

 

At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.  The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again. Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.  "I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night..."

 

The Best Way To Pray

 

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

 

The Twenty and the One

 

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.

"You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

 

Senior Exercise

 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.  Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. So if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

Tricky Quiz

 

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest.

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: "Incorrectly."

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd place.

9. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither. The yolk of an egg is yellow.

10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

Dad Joke

 

It never fails...Cashiers are always checking me out.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Recipe for iced coffee: Have kids, make coffee, get distracted and forget you made coffee, drink it cold 3 hours later.

 

Friday's Funnies

 

Taxes

 

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

 

States

 

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said, "Texas."  The teacher said, "That is right, you get an A. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?"  A little boy raised his hand and said, "Montana."  The teacher said, "That's right, you get an A. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?"  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "That's easy! Washington D.C."  The teacher gave him an A+.

Heaven

 

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven. As they are walking along, marveling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!" "Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner!"

 

Groaner

 

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.  Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.  It went in one ear and out the udder.

 

Proper Order

 

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son.  Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember -- run to Dad first, then the dog."

Shhhhhhhh!

 

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Denomination?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."  Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Denomination?"  "Lutheran."  "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."  A third man arrives at the gates. "Denomination?"  "Presbyterian."  "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."  The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"  St. Peter tells him, "Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.”

 

What She Paid For

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It took you five minutes." The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Just Thinking...

·         I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·         There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

·         Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

·         Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

·         Have you noticed since everyone has a video recorder on their phones these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

·         All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

·         How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

·         Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

·         Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

The Price of Gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." I figured I had nothing Toulouse. I hope this brought a chuckle during this Cezanne to be jolly!

Same To You

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to a well-known hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One feisty elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

 

Dedicated

 

My husband Brian is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals.  One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving computer network problems, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.  When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.  Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. "Don't worry," he said, obviously distracted, "I'll delete them in a few minutes."

Dad Joke

 

Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

 

Today’s Thought

 

"Latte" is French for “you paid way too much money for coffee.”

Friday's Funnies

 

Taxes

 

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.  When asked to define 'great' he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for IRS writing tax regulations.

 

Marriage Advice

 

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me! The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?" I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'" Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

 

Cheerful Giver

 

A little girl went to church.  She had a dollar and a quarter in her shiny little Sunday purse. When the collection plate came around, she dropped in her quarter. Later she explained to her mother: "I was going to give the dollar, but just before the collection the preacher said that God loves a cheerful giver. I knew I'd be a lot more cheerful if I gave the quarter, so I did."

 

Coffee

 

You know what wakes you up faster than coffee? Spilled coffee.

 

Spring

 

How excited was the gardener about spring?

So excited he wet his plants.

Does February like March?

No, but April May.

When do monkeys fall from the sky?

During APE-ril showers.

What do you get when two plants kiss?

Tulips!

What goes up when the rain goes down?

Umbrellas.

What falls but never gets hurt?

The rain!

What did the tree say to spring?

What a re-leaf!

What did the dirt say to the rain?

If this keeps up my name will be mud.

Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?

Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.

 

Stepping Out?

One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Show and Tell

 

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment.

Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class
The first student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said,
"My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said,
"My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

 

Transparent

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message. It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us are called to help make up the whole picture of life (the family of God). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture. And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane." And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..." It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard.

 

Can’t Swim

 

Scientists on a research vessel were astonished to find out that the boat's captain, although fully trained and licensed, had never learned to swim. "Is it true?" one of them asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?" "No, I can't," he replied. "Can pilots fly?"

 

Puns

 

-          A man dressed up as a baby horse, and made a complete foal of himself.

-          I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares.

-          I have kleptomania. When it gets bad I take something for it.

-          I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

-          The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.

-          Cardboard belts are a waist of paper.

Dad Joke

 

Nowadays, Lance is not a common name. But in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.

 

Today’s Though

 

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't lie, it was a rocky road.

Friday's Funnies

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

My kids wanted to know what it's like to be a mom, so I woke them up at 2 a.m. to let them know my sock came off.

The comments of an experienced mother: "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children... Now I have six children and no theories!"

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

Son: “Mom, can I have $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I am made of money?”
Son: “Well, isn’t that what M-O-M stands for?”

What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day? Mums.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s Pop-corn?

Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.

What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor? The internet, telephone, and telling your mom.

Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day? So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on mom.

 A Word About Mom

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text: "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life. She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

Mother's Day One Liners

Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!

A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."

Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.

What Mothers Said

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Today’s Thought

 If evolution is really true, how come Mothers only have two hands?