Two old friends, Sam and Bob, are baseball fanatics. They live and breathe baseball, they attend 60 games a year, the local bartender calls them to answer disputes regarding statistics, they have attended every World Series game since 1960. They are getting older and one day, Sam says to Bob. "If you die before I do, will you let me know, if they play baseball in Heaven. I'll do the same for you if I die before you do." Bob agrees.
Two days later Bob passes away in his sleep.
Sam comes home from the funeral and lays down for a nap, he's really tired. He drifts in and out of sleep. Suddenly, there's a heavenly voice saying "Sam! Sam!"
Sam is startled awake and asks, "Is that you, Bob?"
Bob answers, "Yes, Sam it's me."
Sam asks, "So, tell me Bob, do they play baseball in heaven?"
Bob replies "Sam, I've got good news and bad news, what do want to hear first."
"The good news first, Bob." Sam says.
Bob replies with "Okay, Sam, the good news is they play baseball in heaven, and the bad news is that you're starting the game tomorrow evening."
+++++
At a theater, the usher approaches a man who has stretched out over three seats and asks him to sit up.
The man simply looks at him and says, "Uhhhh."
The usher asks again, and again the man says back to him, "Uhhhh."
The usher warns the man that he'll have to get the manager and there would be a good chance he'd be asked to leave. The man doesn't seem to care and again replies, "Uhhh."
So, the usher brings the manager over, and after several attempts to get the man to comply, the manager decides to call the police. A cop shows up and says to the guy, "Look, they've been asking you nicely to sit up and make room for other people, why are you being so stubborn?"
The guy stares at the cop and says, "Uhhh." The cop says, "Okay, buddy that's it. I'm going to kick you out of here. Now, where are you from, anyway?"
The guy replies, "The balcony… "
+++++
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
+++++
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new Obama health care proposals:
The allergists voted to scratch it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The interns thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter!” The podiatrists thought it was a step forward. The anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
+++++
A bunch of lawyers were sitting around the office playing poker. "I win!" said Johnson. Henderson threw down his cards. "That's it! I've had it! Johnson is cheating!!!" "How can you tell?" Phillips asked. "Those aren't the cards I dealt him!"
+++++
At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"
Friday, August 28, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Family Tree of Vincent Van Gogh:
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh
+++++
Judgment Day
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?""No," he said, "they live two farms down.""No, I mean are you lost?""No, I've been here thirty years.""I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?""When is it?""Could be today or tomorrow.""Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"
Call to Another Church
A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants, and as many of those little silverfish, you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
Farewell Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the churchhe served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"
Hot Air Hand Dryers
My pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++
Is That Wedding Music That I Hear?
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband, Burk, were participating (she played and he sang). During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."
Marriage Counseling
A couple who was having problems with their marriage went to a counselor. He suggested to them to get a waterbed, it just might bring them together. So they got one. But instead of coming together, they just drifted apart!
Two Miracles
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
The Dancer
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party with several well-to-do guests attending. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. As a guest watched.. one gardener was busy weeding when the other suddenly leaped high into the air, spun about, and gracefully swirled. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $500 to dance at my next party!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for $500 you could step on that rake again?'
+++++
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------ Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --- Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ---------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle ----------------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ----------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother -------- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ---------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ---------------------------------------- Flamin Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin ------------------------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ----------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV ----- Winnie Bay Gogh
+++++
Judgment Day
A preacher said to a farmer, "Do you belong to the Christian family?""No," he said, "they live two farms down.""No, I mean are you lost?""No, I've been here thirty years.""I mean, are you ready for Judgment Day?""When is it?""Could be today or tomorrow.""Well, when you find out for sure when it is, you let me know. My wife will probably want to go both days!"
Call to Another Church
A pastor places his order at the pet store. "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants, and as many of those little silverfish, you can get." The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?" The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."
Farewell Offering
During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the churchhe served for some months, his hat was passed around for a goodwill offering. When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my hat back from this congregation."
Holy Communion
Being a new pastor to an aging congregation, I told them I would be serving them prune juice in Holy Communion. When asked why I would dare entertain such a thought, I said, "If the Holy Spirit won't move you...the prune juice will!"
Hot Air Hand Dryers
My pastor put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."
+++++
Is That Wedding Music That I Hear?
Donna was the organist for our wedding. She related a story to us about a previous wedding in which she and her husband, Burk, were participating (she played and he sang). During rehearsal the audio man at the church asked them to sing and play so that he could adjust volumes. They did not have the wedding music with them, so they began to perform one of the hymns they had practiced for church the previous week, "He Touched Me." Just as they started, the preacher walked in and stopped, looking very surprised. He had never, ever heard that song chosen for a wedding before. The opening line of the hymn: "Shackled by a heavy burden..."
Marriage Counseling
A couple who was having problems with their marriage went to a counselor. He suggested to them to get a waterbed, it just might bring them together. So they got one. But instead of coming together, they just drifted apart!
Two Miracles
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
The Dancer
A wealthy woman is giving a garden party with several well-to-do guests attending. During the festivities, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. As a guest watched.. one gardener was busy weeding when the other suddenly leaped high into the air, spun about, and gracefully swirled. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, I'd pay him $500 to dance at my next party!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Louie! Do you think for $500 you could step on that rake again?'
+++++
After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.
One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"
After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"
Friday, August 14, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
Dual Purpose
I met someone getting on the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "Because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."
A Horse Tale
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"
Actual Classified Ad
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month and discovered wife knows everything.
+++++
There was an old couple who were always forgetting things.They were always forgetting milk at the grocery store, etc. So one day they decided to make a list of the things they need at the grocery store. They went to the grocery store with their list and didn't forget a single thing. The old couple were so proud of themselves, that they decided to celebrate. "You know," the old man said, "I could really use an Ice Cream Sundae right now with nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream, hot fudge, caramel, and a cherry on top." The old woman says, "You know, that really sounds good. I'll go make it." "You should make a list or you'll forget," the man warned. "Oh no. This is so good I won't forget," she argued back. The old woman goes into the kitchen and starts making the Sundae. An half hour later she comes back out with eggs, bacon. sausages, pancakes, and hashbrowns. The old man shakes his head and says: "I told you to make a list! You forgot the toast!"
+++++
A psychologist, an engineer, and a theologian were on a hunting trip in Northern Minnesota. Seeking shelter from a bitter cold, they knocked on the door of a small, isolated cabin. No one was home, but the front door was unlocked, and they entered.
They saw something strange. A large, pot-bellied stove was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. Why would a stove be elevated from the floor?
The psychologist concluded: “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to his mother’s womb.”
The engineer theorized: “The man is practicing laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
The theologian speculated: “I’m sure that hanging this stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
While they were debating the matter, the trapper returned. They immediately asked him why he had hung his pot-bellied stove by wires from the ceiling.
“Had plenty of wire, not much stovepipe,” the trapper said.
+++++
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?' Tommy answered soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!'
Dual Purpose
I met someone getting on the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "Because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."
A Horse Tale
A preacher trained his horse to go when he said, "Praise the Lord," and to stop when he said, "Amen." The preacher mounted the horse, said, "Praise the Lord" and went for a ride. When he wanted to stop for lunch, he said, "Amen." He took off again, saying, "Praise the Lord." The horse started going toward the edge of a cliff. The preacher got excited and said, "Whoa!" Then he remembered and said, "Amen," and the horse stopped at the edge of the cliff. The preacher was so relieved and grateful that he looked up to heaven and said, "Praise the Lord!"
Actual Classified Ad
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month and discovered wife knows everything.
+++++
There was an old couple who were always forgetting things.They were always forgetting milk at the grocery store, etc. So one day they decided to make a list of the things they need at the grocery store. They went to the grocery store with their list and didn't forget a single thing. The old couple were so proud of themselves, that they decided to celebrate. "You know," the old man said, "I could really use an Ice Cream Sundae right now with nuts, sprinkles, whipped cream, hot fudge, caramel, and a cherry on top." The old woman says, "You know, that really sounds good. I'll go make it." "You should make a list or you'll forget," the man warned. "Oh no. This is so good I won't forget," she argued back. The old woman goes into the kitchen and starts making the Sundae. An half hour later she comes back out with eggs, bacon. sausages, pancakes, and hashbrowns. The old man shakes his head and says: "I told you to make a list! You forgot the toast!"
+++++
A psychologist, an engineer, and a theologian were on a hunting trip in Northern Minnesota. Seeking shelter from a bitter cold, they knocked on the door of a small, isolated cabin. No one was home, but the front door was unlocked, and they entered.
They saw something strange. A large, pot-bellied stove was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams. Why would a stove be elevated from the floor?
The psychologist concluded: “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated his stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to his mother’s womb.”
The engineer theorized: “The man is practicing laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
The theologian speculated: “I’m sure that hanging this stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire lifted up has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
While they were debating the matter, the trapper returned. They immediately asked him why he had hung his pot-bellied stove by wires from the ceiling.
“Had plenty of wire, not much stovepipe,” the trapper said.
+++++
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
Friday, August 7, 2009
Friday's Funnies
Wisdom Beyond His Years
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"
Feeling Old Yet?
A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week. She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"
At the Movies
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she snapped. "This is a private conversation."
Suthen-isms:
· Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
· Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
· Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
· Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
· All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
· Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.
Out of the mouths of…
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
+++++
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.The Brunette team down below really hooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the garden of Eden?"
Feeling Old Yet?
A few years back, I had my old 45 RPM records out to look through and my daughter asked what they were. I explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how we listened to music. I further explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week. She was quite impressed as I continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. I burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"
At the Movies
While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me. Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder. "Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear." "I should hope not," she snapped. "This is a private conversation."
Suthen-isms:
· Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
· Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
· Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
· Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
· All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
· Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.
Out of the mouths of…
While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.
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Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip to Louisiana.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.The Brunette team down below really hooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. The brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here?
We're having a great time downstairs!' One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!'
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