Friday's Funnies

Christmas Dinner Prayer

Lee, a seven-year-old boy, was asked to say thanks for the Christmas dinner.  The family members bowed their heads in expectation. Lee began his prayer, thanking God for his mommy, daddy, brothers, sister, grandma, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.  He gave thanks for the turkey, the stuffing, the Christmas pudding, even the cranberry sauce. Then Lee paused, and everyone waited ... and waited.  After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the Brussels sprouts, won't he know that I'm lying?"

Gift

After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.  "How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.  "That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.  "That's still quite a bit," Tom groused.  Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.  Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."  So the clerk handed him a mirror.

A New Perspective

Daniel, aged 4, returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story.  He had learned all about the wise men from the east who brought gifts to the baby Jesus.  Daniel was so excited he just had to tell his parents, "I learned in Sunday school today all about the very first Christmas. There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three guys on camels had to deliver all the toys.  And Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big light in the sky to find their way around."

Mistletoe

The weary holiday traveler looked in disbelief at a bunch of mistletoe hanging above the luggage check-in center. Turning to the attendant, he said, "Okay, I give up. Why is the mistletoe hanging there above the luggage scale?" The attendant said, "So you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

The Tree Hunt

Two kids ventured deep into the frozen woods searching for a Christmas tree. After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care if it's decorated or not!"

Best Uses for Holiday Fruitcake

• Bury it in the back yard for future archaeologists to discover.
• Give it to your child for a science project.
• Hang on to it to find out if there REALLY is more than one fruitcake that's making its rounds every year!
• Use it to hold up a broken table or chair leg.
• Mash several of them down and use for mortar when building a log cabin.
• Use it as an exercise stepping block for step aerobics.
• Donate to the Road Kill Cafe for a wonderful dessert.
• Use them to pave freeways. Just place them on the road and run a steamroller over them.
• Use them as fillers to repair the river levees. They last indefinitely and are so dense, water can never penetrate them.
• Last and probably least - try eating it. That's one way to get rid of it!

Research has determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf. 

CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCKS

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Wayne

Wayne who?

Wayne in a manger...!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Donut

Donut who?

Donut open till Christmas!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Holly

Holly who?

Holly-days are here again!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Mary

Mary who?

Mary Christmas!

Gift Wrapping Tips for Men

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

Today’s Thought

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.

Friday's Funnies

An Ode To Thanksgiving:

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

                                                                          

What Turkeys Need To Know But Don’t

1. By limiting your corn intake to 175 kernels a day, you can lose thirteen pounds or three hours baking time, whatever the case may be.

2. There is no such thing as the friendly ax-man.

3. Hiding inside old Jack-O-Lanterns never works.

4. Running helps you lose weight, but you will never fly, ever.

5. Stop writing to Benjamin Franklin; he's dead, and you lost that National symbol argument long ago.

6. No one buys the "you can't eat a turkey with glasses routine."

7. If anyone asks you about your drumstick size, be afraid; be very afraid.

8. Sweet corn meal is NOT low in calories. Stop eating it.

9. Pretending to be "just a chicken" is not very smart.

10. If there are not pigs or geese on your farm, you should probably worry about Christmas as well.

Pondering the Imponderable

·         Is there another word for synonym?

·         Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

·         What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

·         Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

·         If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

·         Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

·         If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

·         Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

·         How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

It's Time

The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."

The Sermon Review

A lady was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she turned to a very sleepy-looking gentleman sitting in a nearby pew, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." Without a moment's hesitation, the man replied, "You're not the only one ma'am. I'm glad he's done, too!"

Three Important Words

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"  I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"  Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Clocks

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks.  "What are those used for?" he asked.  St. Peter said, "There's one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives."  The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. "Why do they move at different speeds?" he asked.  St. Peter said, "Every time you tell a lie, you lose one hour of your life and your clock speeds up."  The newcomer looked around and then asked, "Do you have one of these for my local politician?"  St. Peter answered, "Sure! It's in the back room. We use it for a ceiling fan."

Romantic

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. As she waited for her friend, she decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Friday's Funnies

Aging

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

When you rearrange the letters:

PRESBYTERIAN:  BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:  MOON STARER
DESPERATION:  A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:  THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE:  HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:  DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:  CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:  IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:  ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:  I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:  THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:  TWELVE PLUS ONE

Rise And Shine

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day. "How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan. "Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "Why does that wake him up?" "He sleeps with the dog!"

The Cure

An woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room. The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor:

10) Tenors get high -- without drugs.

9) Name a musical where the bass got the girl.

8) You can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.

7) Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1,000 for a ticket to see The Three Basses?

6) Who needs brains when you've got resonance?

5) Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.

4) You can sing along with John Denver on "Aye Calypso."

3) When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.

2) Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. (Nobody invented a genre for basses.)

1) You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass:

10) You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.

9) You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.

8) Or a pre-adolescent boy.

7) Action heroes are always basses. That is -- if they ever sang, they would sing bass.

6) You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop (boong ching ... boong chi-ching).

5) If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.

4) You never need to learn to read treble clef.

3) If you get a cold, so what.

2) For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.

1) If you belch while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano:

10) The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.

9) You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.

8) Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?

7) When sopranos sing in the shower, they know the tune.

6) You are never going to sing the alto part by accident.

5) Great costumes -- like the hat with the horns on it.

4) How many world-famous altos can you name?

3) When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.

2) When you get tired of the tune, you can sing the descant.

1) You can sing along with Michael Jackson.

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto

10) You get really good at singing E flat.

9) You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures (tang ... tang ... tang ...).

8) No warm up needed to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.

7) If the choir really stinks, it's unlikely the altos will be blamed.

6) You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.

5) You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music.

4) You can sometimes find part-time work singing tenor.

3) Altos get all the great intervals.

2) When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.

1) When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.

Friday's Funnies

Would You Be...

During his sermon, our pastor quoted Matthew 19:19, "Love your neighbor as yourself." To emphasize the point, he asked three times, with increasing intensity, "Who is my neighbor? Who is my neighbor? Who is my neighbor?!" Each time he asked, a young boy behind us answered (mimicking the pastor's intensity, but not quite as loud), "Mister Rogers! Mister Rogers! Mister Rogers!"

Punny Riddles

• What happens when it rains cats and dogs?  You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
• Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other?  Because in hard economic times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.
• Where do lawyers live?  In legal pads.
• How do you make a skeleton laugh?  By tickling his funny bone.
• When should baseball players wear armor?  When they play knight games.
• What do clowns get paid?  Funny money.
• What do dentists like most about amusement parks?  Molar coasters.
• Why did the robber take a bath?  To make a clean get away!

Say What?

Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic. The computer dutifully printed out, "Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow."

The Opportunist

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist:

While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Signed,

The Opportunist

"More of WHAT DOCTORS SAY" and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

--or--

I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Car Repairs

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my wife quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

Can't eat beef:  Mad cow

Can't eat chicken:  Bird flu

Can't eat eggs:  Salmonella

Can't eat pork:  Trichinosis

Can't eat fish:  Mercury

Can't eat fruits:  Insecticides

Can't eat greens:  E. Coli

Can't eat veggies:  GMO

Can't eat grains:  Herbicides

Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice:  Carbs

Just Dropped In

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony." 

Friday's Funnies

Cause and Effect

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs. My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation. "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager. "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?" He replied, "Autumn."

More Cause and Effect

"This hotel stinks!" a guest complained when he showed up at the front desk to check out. "What's wrong?" I asked. "I got no sleep. Every 15 minutes this loud banging sound woke me up!" I apologized for the noise and checked him out. A few minutes later, a couple showed up. Again, I made the mistake of asking how their stay was. "Terrible!" they said. "The guy in the next room was snoring so loudly that we had to bang on the wall every 15 minutes to wake him up!"

What Doctors Say (and what they're really thinking)

• "That's quite a nasty looking wound." (I think I'm going to throw up.)
• "This may sting a little." (Last week two patients bit off their tongues.)
• "Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?" (I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?)
• "This should fix you up." (The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.)
• "Everything seems to be normal." (Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.)
• "I'd like to run some more tests." (I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.)
• "Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" (You're crazier'n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...)
• "There is a lot of that going around." (That's the third one this week! I'd better learn something about this.)
• "If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." (I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I'm off next week.)

Fishing

Two airheads go on a fishing vacation. They buy fancy equipment, rent a great cabin, bring enough food to feed a battalion, and start fishing.  They fish all week.  They catch exactly ONE fish.  Depressed, they go home with their paltry catch.  Airhead one: "Do you realize this one lousy fish cost us 1500 dollars?"  Airhead two: "Wow. Good thing we didn't catch more."

Age by Car Radio

Student: Every button is programmed to pop, rock, and rap -- except the oldies station for your parents.

Young Professional: Still programmed to rap, rock, and pop, plus the station that gives the traffic reports. As you approach your 30s, you'll probably also add the talk station that everyone at work talks about.

Established Professional: Will use the "scan" button until you hear the first pop tune you learned as a kid on the oldies station.

Approaching Middle Age: Thank goodness for "adult" pop, rock, and soul; will actually listen to the oldies for a few tunes.

Truly Middle Age: It's not that you're old enough to listen to the oldies, it's just that they keep playing songs you know.

Approaching Retirement: The radio is either on the oldies or off.

Retired: Stopped listening to the radio -- that "oldies" station started playing all of this "new music."

How men and women record things in their diaries...

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.  I asked him what was wrong; He said, "Nothing..." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."  When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A two-foot putt ... WHO misses a stupid two-foot putt!

Today’s Thought

Therapy is expensive. Popping that bubble wrap stuff is cheap. You choose. 

Friday's Funnies

Punny Riddles

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.

Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other?

Because in hard economic times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.

Where do lawyers live?

In legal pads.

How do you make a skeleton laugh?

By tickling his funny bone.

When should baseball players wear armor?

When they play knight games.

What do clowns get paid?

Funny money.

Why did the robber take a bath?

To make a clean get away!

Wrong Advertising

The little church in the suburbs suddenly stopped buying from its regular office supply dealer. So, the dealer telephoned Deacon Brown to ask why.  "I'll tell you why," said Deacon Brown. "Our church ordered some pencils from you to be used in the pews for visitors to register."  "Well," interrupted the dealer, "didn't you receive them yet?"  "Oh, we received them all right," replied Deacon Brown.  However, you sent us some golf pencils ... each stamped with the words, 'Play Golf Next Sunday.'"

Y'Gotta Love the South !

Florida

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.  "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.  Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly, he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.  Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."  The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."   "Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.

Louisiana

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."  When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"  Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"  The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

South Carolina

A man in South Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.  A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.  The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."  The passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?"  The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it, neither."

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"  The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

Texas

 The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.'"

Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'bout the South, but y'all never hear of anyone retirin' an' movin' North!

Oops

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small town Ohio girl.  While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community.  The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.  With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse, "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Sounds

A teacher arranged her young students into a circle. She then went around the circle and asked each one a question. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?"  Davey replied, "It goes 'moo.'"  "Alice, what sound does a cat make?"  Alice said, "It goes 'meow.'"  "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"  Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa.'"  "Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"  Jennifer paused, and said, "Uhh ... it goes ... 'click!'"

I can hear just fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"  "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."  And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Friday's Funnies

It's a Toss-Up

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked. "I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game." "How long could that have taken you?" he asked. "Well, I had to toss it 140 times."

That Explains It

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?"

Another airhead joke

An airhead was driving to California and saw a sign that said: Clean Restrooms Ahead. By the time she finally reached the coast, she had scrubbed and polished 68 of them.

Redneck Divorce

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: Somebody's gonna lose a trailer!

Proper Wages

A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.  "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how much you pay them."  "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."  "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad.  "Yeah," the farmer said. "This guy is none too bright. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give him chewing tobacco."  "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that man!"  "Speaking," said the farmer.

Wrong Attachment

Kathy, an RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation. She was sure she'd have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area. She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one. Two weeks later, Kathy was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else. It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe."

Engineer

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired, engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.  The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."  The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 - knowing where to put it $49,999.  It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Signs

Did I read that sign correctly? 

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In an office:

WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:

AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:

CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Notice in a farmer's field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:

IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Today’s Thought

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Friday's Funnies

Rank Has Privilege

Employed by the human-development center of a corporation in the midwest, my friend trains employees in proper dress codes and etiquette. One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her. Thinking of her responsibilities, she scolded, "Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" The man replied, "That's one benefit of owning the company...."

CPU CPR

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor. "This computer has flat-lined!" a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

Going Places

A customer was really hassling an airline agent at the ticket counter -- yelling and using foul language. However, the agent was polite, pleasant and smiled while the customer continued to abuse her. When the man finally left, the next person in line said to the agent, "Does that happen often? I can't believe how nice you were to him." The agent smiled and said, "No problem, I took care of it. He's going to Detroit. His bags are going to Bangkok."

Keyed Up

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?" "Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well, what does it do?" they queried. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either," she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

The Three Laws of Secure Computing

1) Don't buy a computer.

2) If you do buy a computer, don't plug it in.

3) If you do plug it in, sell it and return to step 1.

Strange Foreign Mistranslations into English

In a Belgrade elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:  Specialist in women and other diseases.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.

Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

Details

Aboard an airline flight from Europe to America, Grandma Bern was taking her very first flight.  They had only been aloft a few minutes when the old lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.  The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.  When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said. "Now that we've arrived, would you tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

How to Simulate the Life of a Sailor

~ Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six months.

~ Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

~ Repaint your entire house every month.

~ Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through them.

~ Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

~ Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say "Sorry, wrong rack."

~ Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle loudly, and shout "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

~ Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day, whether it needs it or not. 

~ Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

~ Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the menu and just ask for hot dogs.

~ Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

~ Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget-priced coffee grounds per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

~ Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

A Quiet Group

I was diagnosed with antisocial behavior disorder, so I joined a support group. We never meet.

Today’s Thought

Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is salad.

Friday's Funnies

HOW TO LIE TO THE BATHROOM SCALES

1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first.

6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps)

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

The Computer Is Down

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down, it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, but it also made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.  "This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror. "Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"

You’ll never hear the end of it

One day a new chicken was introduced to the farm.   The duck, who was the main bird in charge, shows the new chicken around.  "This is where you go to get fed, this is the water trough and that is the coop. Chickens hang out near the fence, us ducks near the pond and the geese near the gate. We're pretty friendly but we keep to our own."  "Oh but whatever you do, DO NOT cross that road. You'll never hear the end of it."

Longevity

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th. "I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

An Acquired Taste?

A man was working in his backyard when a little neighbor boy stopped by. "Whatcha doin'?" said the little boy. The man replied, "I'm putting fertilizer on my strawberries." "Oh," the little boy said, "My mom puts whipped cream on ours."

I Can See Clearly Now

An old snake goes to see his doctor. "Doc, I need something for my eyes. Can't see well these days." The doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in two weeks. The snake comes back two weeks later and tells the doctor he's very depressed. Doc says, "What's the problem — didn't the glasses help you?" "The glasses are fine, Doc. I just discovered I've been married to a water hose the past two years!"

Long Happy Life

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.  "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look, "she said.  What's your secret for a long happy life?"  "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods and never exercise."   "That's amazing, "the woman said. "How old are you?'  "Twenty-six," he said.

The Test

When my eight-year-old asked how I knew I was pregnant, I told her I had taken a pregnancy test. “Oh,” she said. “What questions were on the test?”

Who’s the best?

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best:

The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.
The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength---none in the forest dared to challenge him.
The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.

As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!

Today’s Thought

Cleaning house with kids around is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

Friday's Funnies

Doctor's Order

Doctor:  "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient:  "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor:  "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient:  "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."

Out With the New

Getting back together with an old boyfriend is pathetic. It’s like having a garage sale and buying your own stuff back.

The Talking Clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends late at night, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "Oh, that's the talking clock," the student replied. "How's it work?" the friend asked. "Watch," said the student, and then proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer. Immediately someone screamed from the other side of the wall:  "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT!   IT'S 2:30 IN THE MORNING!"

Join a club?

The German philosophy club?

I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?

Pardon me?

The Arafat club?

Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?

Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?

You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?

Never. Never.

The quarterback club?

I'll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?

Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?

Si.

The anti-perspirant club?

Sure.

The procrastinators club?

Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?

No - they probably would not accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?

Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?

Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?

God willing!

Something really cool!

The boys had been up in the attic together helping with some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom, what's this?"

"Oh, that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity.

"Well, what does it do?" they queried.

"I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page.

"WOW!" they exclaimed, "That's really cool...but how does it work like that?

Where do you plug it in?"

"There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug."

"Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted.

"It doesn't need batteries either," she continued.

"Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Today’s Thought

You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.

Friday's Funnies

If I Die First

A husband asked his wife, "If I should die first, would you marry again?"

"I would be heart-broken, of course," was her reply, "but I think eventually I would remarry."

"But you wouldn't bring him here to our house, would you?"

"Why not? I've worked and slaved to make this house a home.

There is no reason to abandon it."

"But you wouldn't sleep in our bed?"

"Well, I wouldn't run out and buy a new bed right away."

"Surely, you wouldn't let him use my golf clubs?"

"Of course not! He's left-handed!"

Long Sermon

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.  Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful - so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."  The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "Why I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

Twitter Addiction

A man tells his doctor, "Doc, help me. I'm addicted to Twitter!" The doctor replies, "Sorry, I don't follow you …"

Oxymorons: Two words or phrases that have opposite meanings.

- Act naturally

- Found missing

- Resident alien

- Advanced BASIC

- Genuine imitation

- Airline Food

- Good grief

- Same difference

- Almost exactly

- Terribly pleased

- Sanitary landfill

- Alone together

- Legally drunk

- Silent scream

- Living dead

- Government organization

John Cleese has it about right:

"The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "...Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Strawberries

A man was working in his backyard when a little neighbor boy stopped by. "Whatcha doin'?" said the little boy.

The man replied, "I'm putting fertilizer on my strawberries."

"Oh," the little boy said, "My mom puts whipped cream on ours."

Today’s Thought

The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.

Friday's Funnies

X-ray

A four-year-old girl had to have an x-ray taken at the medical office where I worked. She had been in an accident with her bicycle and the doctor was afraid she may have broken her wrist.  The girl, however, was very concerned about the procedure, and no matter how her mother tried to calm her, she kept putting up quite a fuss as we led her into the x-ray facility.  When she came out a few minutes later, however, she was calm and all smiles. "They just took a picture of my bones," she explained to her mother.  "Yes, dear," her mom replied. "I told you it was easy. Did everything go well?"  "Yup. It was great!" the child exclaimed. "I didn't even have to take my skin off or anything!"

You're ABCDEFGHIJK

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.  He looked at her for a while, and then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."  She asked, "What does that mean?"  He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."  She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"  He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

10 Sings you may not be reading your Bible enough

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.

8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.

7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.

6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.

5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.

4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"

3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.

2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.

And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:

1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Hope Springs Eternal

A man happened to drive by a little league game one day, and, being a baseball fan, decided to stop and watch for a while. He found a seat on the bleachers behind the fence, and asked one of the boys on the bench what the score was. "We're behind 24 to nothing," the boy answered with a smile. "Really," the man said. "I have to say you don't look very discouraged." "Why should we be discouraged?" the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face. "We haven't been up to bat yet."

Higher Learnin'

Dad #1:  "My son is so smart that when he writes home from college, I have to go to the dictionary."
Dad #2:  "You're lucky. When my son writes home, I have to go to the bank."

The Disclaimer

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

At the Pearly Gates

A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Moo Ya wk City." Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom." So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?" "Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. While he drove, people prayed."

Better Grades

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school.  One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Lemon Picker

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  "Look, miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"  "Well, as a matter of fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

Today’s Thought

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Friday's Funnies

Foreign Language

A mother mouse is walking along the road with her baby when suddenly a cat jumps out and attacks them.  Instantly, the mother mouse shouts loudly, "BARK" at which point the cat ran off.  "There, you see" said the mother mouse to her baby, "That is why learning a foreign language is so important!"

Trust?

As a new school principal, Mr. Mitchell was checking over his school on the first day. Passing the stockroom, he was startled to see the door wide open and teachers bustling in and out, carrying off books and supplies in preparation for the arrival of students the next day. The school where he had been a principal the previous year had used a checkout system only slightly less elaborate than that at Fort Knox.  Cautiously, he asked the school's long-time custodian, "Do you think it's wise to keep the stockroom unlocked and to let the teachers take things without requisitions?"  The custodian looked at him gravely. "We trust them with the children, don't we?" he said.

Witness

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed little girl what she thought about what she had just witnessed…  Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place...spank him again!"

At The Vet

One day at the veterinarian's office where I take my cat, a man and the receptionist were verbally sparring.  After a few moments a technician came to her co-worker's defense. "Sir," she interjected, "do you know what happens to aggressive males in this office?"

Times have changed

You drive into the gas station...

1955 - four guys run out to your car - you sit back and smile

Today - four guys run out to your car - you scream and pull away as quickly as you can

De-moted

If lawyers are disbarred and clergy defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Still Waiting

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Sarah decided she had been stood up.  Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate, and resigned herself to an evening of TV.  No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV when the doorbell rang. Her dad went to the door, and there stood her date.  He took one look at Sarah on the couch and gasped. "I'm two hours late and she's still not ready?"

Puns and Such

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.  (Aesop, 620 BC - 560 BC)

I always prayed before my trigonometry tests. I was hoping for a sine from above.  (Pun of the Day)

Why do crazy people always jump off the tops of buildings to see if they can fly? Wouldn't it be safer to try to fly UP to the top?  (Aaron Luchich in Ruminations)

Q: What's the difference between a church bell and a politician?

A: A church bell peals from the steeple.

(Stan Kegel's Puns of the Day)

"Nothing raises a golf score like witnesses."  (from a fortune cookie)

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

(BWJokes.com)

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Something is very wrong when you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree.

I'm trying to save my money. Who knows? One day it may be valuable.

It's amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snow blower, or vacuum cleaner.

Overheard on the Pediatrics floor: "Are you medical or surgical?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Were you sick when you came in here, or did they make you sick when you got here?"

I used to try a lot of different sports when I was a kid, without ever excelling in any particular one. Then I got older and realized you can *buy* trophies. Now I'm good at everything.  (Demetri Martin)

This car: designed by computer, built by robot, driven by moron.

Billboard for a safe company: "If your stuff is stolen, it's not our vault."

Today’s Thought

Dear vegetarians, if you’re trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?

Friday's Funnies

Me? Exercise?

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing ...yet lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?

Soup Du Jour

When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought an Englishman the soup of the day, he was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?" "It's bean soup," she replied. "I don't care what it's been," he replied. "What is it now?"

Crossing the Street

A duck was standing on the curb looking across the street when a chicken yelled to him, "Don't do it buddy, you will never hear the end of it!"

CHURCH SERVICE of THE FUTURE

PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"

CONGREGATION: "Hallelujah!"

PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone, and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians 13:13. And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."

P-a-u-s-e......

"Now, let us pray committing this week into God's hands. Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"

S-i-l-e-n-c-e

"As we take our tithes and offerings, please have your credit and debit cards ready."

"Please log on to the church wi-fi using the password 'Lord909887. ' "

"Please use your iPad to make your electronic fund transfers directly to the church account.  Or if you prefer, the ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the pews. If you forgot to bring an electronic device, you are directed to computers and laptops at the rear of the church. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cellphones to transfer your contributions to the church account."

The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smart phones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!

Final Blessing and Closing Announcements: "This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebook group pages where the usual group chatting takes place. Please log in and don't miss out. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Please don't miss out. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling and prayers. God bless you and have a nice day. 

Outdoors man?

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level.  The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.  "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five-hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I ran away from a mad mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I went home and went right to bed."   Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be quite an outdoors man!"  "No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really bad golfer."

Truck Stop

The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.   He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."  The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"  

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."  "Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, "What are the beans for?"  She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

A-POLITICAL APHORISMS

The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~ Henry Cate, VII

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~ Aesop

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~ Will Rogers

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build bridges even where there is no river. ~ Nikita 

Khrushchev

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~ Author unknown

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more  tunnel. ~ John Quinton

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~ Tex Guinan

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~ Charles de Gaulle

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~ Doug Larson