Friday's Funnies

Asking for a raise

“I have to have a raise,” the man said to his boss. “Three other companies are after me.”  “Is that so?” asked the boss. “What other companies are after you?”  “The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

Facebook

A new report found that Facebook has created more than 450,000 jobs. Unfortunately, photos posted on Facebook have ended 550,000 jobs.

The Deterrent

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several of the nurses were wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Church Attendance

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

New baby

One Monday evening a Jessica found her husband Mike with his head cocked looking at their baby’s cot. Silently she watched him. As Mike twisted and turned looking at at their infant, Jessica could see on Mike’s face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, joy, surprise, enchantment and skepticism.  Mike did not usually show his emotions and his unusual display brought tears to her eyes. Jessica put her her arm around her husband and asked. ‘A penny for your thoughts.’  ‘It’s amazing!’ Mike replied. ‘I just can’t work out how Kiddicare are able to make a cot like that for only $49.99.’

To Err is Human; To Forgive, Divine.

   To err is human; to purr, feline.

   To err is human; to do nothing, benign.

   To err is human; to quit, resign.

   To err is human; to howl, lupine.

   To err is human; to solve, design.

   To err is human; to moo, bovine.

   To err is human; to soothe, calomine.

   To err is human; to pretend, pantomime.

   To err is human; to prance, equine.

   To err is human; to add, combine.

   To err is human; to befriend, pal o' mine.

   To err is human; to woo, Valentine.

   To err is human; to horrify, Frankenstein.

   To err is human; to straighten, align.

   To err is human; to twist, serpentine.

   To err is human; to love, sublime.

   To err is human; to cut in, go back in line!

Two robins

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said the first one.  “Me, too” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”  They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more. “I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree”, said the first one.  “Me either. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the second.  “O.K.” said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.  No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I love baskin’ robins.”

Lessons learned

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.  Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"  Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

Tech support

Have you ever telephoned a company’s technical support number to get a problem solved? Well I did recently, but it didn’t go very well…

Ring…. Ring…. Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

Ring…. Ring…. Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

Ring…. Ring…. Ring…. Ring… Ring… Ring… Ring…

Automated Answer (finally):

“Thank you for calling Technical Support.”

“All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.”

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Hold music… Hold music… Hold music… Hold music…

Ring… (All right! They must be transferring me…) Ring…

“The waiting time is now estimated at between 15 minutes and eternity. In order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer where, for security purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do it now.”

Friday's Funnies

Sounds Fishy

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing? The boy replied, "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

The Commandment

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to honor thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

TOP TEN PICKUP LINES USED BY ADAM

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"

9. "Do you come here often?"

8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"

7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"

6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"

5. "Honey, you were made for me!"

4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"

3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)

2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"

And the number one pick up line from Adam is:

1. "You're the apple of my eye!"

Room For Improvement

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!" "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked. The father replied, "I send him to MY room!"

Very Punny

"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."

My Travel Plans -----And Where I have been?!?

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. PLEASE DO YOUR PART! Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine.

Online dating

A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked "What exactly are you looking for?"   This was her description: "He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing.  Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out.  Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."   In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: "Buy a television."

The perfect caddy

The golfer called to one of the caddies and said, “I want a caddy who can count and keep the score.”  “Yes, sir. I’m very good at keeping score.”  “We’ll see. If I shoot 3 on the first hole, 4 strokes on the second hole, and 5 on the third, what’s my score so far?” asked the golfer.  “Ten, sir,” said the caddy.  “Good, you’ll do perfectly.”

A difference of words

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. It read, “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.”   Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.  The wife thought for a while, then finally she said to her husband, “It’s because we have to repeat everything we say.”  The husband said “What?”

Clean bathroom

Constant nagging didn’t seem to provide any relief from having to clean up the bathroom after each of my three teenage children. After I cleaned it one day, I resorted to posting a sign that read: “Please leave the bathroom as you found it.”  I noticed the bathroom was in the usual mess after my son used it, so I called, “Brian, how did you find the bathroom?”  After a brief pause, he replied, “Straight down the hall, first door on the right.” 

Friday's Funnies

What NOT To Give Her For Valentine’s Day

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the caramel ones.

2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fiber" on the label.

3. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone or Jim Carrey.

4. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.

5. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side of Sears.

6. A gift certificate.

7. Cash.

8. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.

9. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

A Little Nuts About Love

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign. “Why the new sign?” I asked. “My boyfriend didn’t approve of the old one,” she said. When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: “Local Honey Dates Nuts”

Sweet Nothings (.com) 

My boyfriend and I met online and we’d been dating for over a year. I introduced Hans to my uncle, who was fascinated by the fact that we met over the Internet. He asked Hans what kind of line he had used to pick me up. Ever the geek, Hans naively replied, “I just used a regular 56K modem.”

Irresistible Irony 

About a year had passed since my amicable divorce, and I decided it was time to start dating again. Unsure how to begin, I thought I’d scan the personals column of my local newspaper. I came across three men who seemed like they’d be promising candidates. A couple of days later, I was checking my answering machine and discovered a message from my ex-husband. “I was over visiting the kids yesterday,” he said. “While I was there I happened to notice you had circled some ads in the paper. Don’t bother calling the guy in the second column. I can tell you right now it won’t work out. That guy is me.”

Making the Grade 

My high-school English teacher was well known for being a fair, but hard, grader. One day I received a B minus on a theme paper. In hopes of bettering my grade and in the spirit of the valentine season, I sent her an extravagant heart-shaped box of chocolates with the pre-printed inscription: “BE MINE.” The following day, I received in return a valentine from the teacher. It read: “Thank you, but it’s still BE MINE-US.”

Watching the game

The young couple was at a baseball game. About halfway through the game, they noticed a much older couple in the seats below them.   They were being very affectionate. They looked like two teenagers. He had his arm around her most of the time. Every few minutes, one of them was whispering in the other's ear. They also would hold hands and gaze into each other's eyes, or kiss each other. There was also a lot of giggling going on.  The young man said to his girlfriend, “I don't know whether to watch them or the game.”  She said, “Watch THEM! You already KNOW how to play baseball.”

Redneck Valentine Love Poem

Collards is green

my dog’s name is Blue

and I’m so lucky

to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk

a-flapping in the breeze

Softer than Blue’s

and without all them fleas.

Like a good roll of duct tape

yo’re there fer yore man,

to patch up life’s troubles

and fix what you can.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection,

like the best vinyl sidin’.

despite all the years,

yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Some men, they buy chocolate

for Valentine’s Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart,

it’s romantic that way.

Some men buy fine diamonds

from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever,"

they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,

these won’t do.

Cause yo’re too special,

you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,

without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds...

IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!!

Friday's Funnies

Gray hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of gray hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs gray, Mom?"  Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns gray."  The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are gray?"

Animal Crackers

A mother walks into the kitchen and sees her daughter with the whole box of animal crackers spread on the counter top. Mother: "Why did you pour out the whole box?" Daughter: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' I'm looking for the seal."

Coupon Heaven

While handing a 25 cents-off coupon to the supermarket clerk at the checkout counter, a woman inadvertently missed her hand, and the coupon slipped beneath the scale and was gone. The checker looked distressed so the woman said, "That's OK — it's in coupon heaven now." "Coupon heaven?" the checker said. "Yes," the woman said. "That's where coupons go when they die." "Only the redeemed ones!" said the checker.

Cute Baby

When we brought our new-born son to the pediatrician for his first checkup, the doctor said, "You have a cute baby." Smiling, I said, "I'll bet you say that to all the new parents." "No," he replied, "just to those whose babies are really good-looking." "So what do you say to the others?" I asked. "He looks just like you."

Cooking a Roast

One day a little girl was watching her mom make a roast beef. She cut off the ends, wrapped it in string, seasoned it and set it in the roasting pan.  The little girl asked her mom why she cut off the ends of the roast. Mom replied, after some thought, that it was the way that her mother had done it.  That night grandma came to dinner and the little girl and her mom went to her and asked why she had cut the end off of the roast before cooking. After some thought grandma replied, that was the way her mother had done it.  Now great grandmother was quite old and in a nursing home. But the little girl went with her mom and grandma to see her and again asked the question.  Great Grandma looked at them a bit annoyed and said, “So it would fit in my pan, of course.”

Discipline today

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved.  But my son has his own  TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!"  "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.  "I send him to MY room!"

Who Wants to be a Millionaire? A contestant, Sally, on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' had reached the final plateau.  If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000.   If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $25,000 milestone money.   And as she suspected, the Million Dollar Question was no pushover.   It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?"  A) the condor  B) the buzzard  C) the cuckoo  D) the vulture The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.   She had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Ask the Audience Lifeline.  All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline.   She hoped she would not have to use it because.........her friend was, well, a blonde.   But she had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:  "That's easy. The answer is C: the cuckoo." The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her.  And considering her friend was a blonde that would seem to be the logical thing to do. But her friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be convinced.  Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."   "Is that your final answer?"  "Yes, that is my final answer."   "That answer is absolutely correct! You are now a millionaire!" Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends, including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.  "Jeni, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "How did you happen to know the right answer?"  "Oh, come on," said the blonde, "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."  Sally fainted.

First Draft


I didn’t enlist in the Army — I was drafted. So I wasn’t going to make life easy for anyone. During my physical, the doctor asked softly, "Can you read the letters on the wall?"  "What letters?" I answered slyly.  "Good," said the doctor. "You passed the hearing test."


For the Mrs.


Even though there was a blizzard raging outside, I made it the half-mile to the bakery, where I asked the owner for six rolls.  “Your wife must like rolls,” he said.  “How do you know these are for my wife?” I asked.  “Because your mother wouldn’t send you out in weather like this.”


The Right Diagnosis


A man tells his doctor that he’s incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, “Okay, Doctor. In plain English—what’s wrong with me?”  “Well, in plain English,” says the doctor, “you’re just lazy.”  The man nods. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”