Emotions on Father's Day
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear. Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear. "Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!"
If God Texted the Ten Commandments
1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg's
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok - ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf's m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.
Funeral with Bagpipes
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."
When Insults had Class
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
Needs Updating
A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears. "Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma's meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it's just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it's the one you gave me. But it just didn't come out right, and I'm so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf. What could have gone wrong?" Her mother replied soothingly, "Well, dear, let's go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we'll figure it out." "Okay," the bride sniffled. "Well, it starts out, 'Take fifty cents worth of ground beef'..."
Friday, June 25, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Trustworthy
The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight. "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously, "and you look just like my dad."
That's Daddy
I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair-and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there by Rachel several hours before.
Changing Perspectives (Writer Unknown)
When I was:
• Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
• Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
• Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
• Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
• Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.
• Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
• Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.
• Twenty-one years old: Him? He's hopelessly out of date.
• Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.
• Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
• Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.
• Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.
• Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Wedding invitation
A real wedding invitation: Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison, and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.
Shhh.....
While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."
Prescription Check
An old man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The old man said, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
Morning Run
The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run." With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."
Metal Detector
In January 1991, I was being deployed to Operation Desert Storm. Before boarding the C-141 transport at Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina, I had to go through tight security. After a meticulous x-ray examination of my carry-on bag, I removed all metal objects from my uniform and was finally able to pass through the detector without setting off the alarm. "Just out of curiosity," I asked the airman operating the checkpoint, "why did you make me go through all that?" "We want to be sure you aren't carrying any weapons on board," he said, handing me back my M-16 rifle.
- from Reader's Digest, "Humor In Uniform," by Stephen Shoemaker
Round n' Round
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"
Replacement Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? "It's been a year!" I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
The plane was only half-full. When an attractive young woman asked if the seat next to mine was free, my male ego soared. Soon we were chatting pleasantly, and she told me it was her first flight. "Mom said to sit next to someone I thought I could trust," she confessed nervously, "and you look just like my dad."
That's Daddy
I was having lunch with my daughter Rachel, who's three, at our local mall and was feeling particularly macho for a 46-year-old. All morning, women had been smiling at me and giving me the eye. Getting up to leave the table, I ran my fingers through my hair-and discovered two yellow-ducky barrettes that had been lovingly placed there by Rachel several hours before.
Changing Perspectives (Writer Unknown)
When I was:
• Four years old: My daddy can do anything.
• Five years old: My daddy knows a whole lot.
• Six years old: My dad is smarter than your dad.
• Eight years old: My dad doesn't know exactly everything.
• Ten years old: In the olden days, when my dad grew up, things were sure different.
• Twelve years old: Oh, well, naturally, Dad doesn't know anything about that. He is too old to remember his childhood.
• Fourteen years old: Don't pay any attention to my dad. He is so old-fashioned.
• Twenty-one years old: Him? He's hopelessly out of date.
• Twenty-five years old: Dad knows about it, but then he should, because he has been around so long.
• Thirty years old: Maybe we should ask Dad what he thinks. After all, he's had a lot of experience.
• Thirty-five years old: I'm not doing a single thing until I talk to Dad.
• Forty years old: I wonder how Dad would have handled it. He was so wise.
• Fifty years old: I'd give anything if Dad were here now so I could talk this over with him. Too bad I didn't appreciate how smart he was. I could have learned a lot from him.
Wedding invitation
A real wedding invitation: Phil, Richard, Karen and Allison, and John, Matt and Steve request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their Mother and Father. Because they are combining two households, they already have at least two of everything. So please, no presents! Reception and garage sale immediately following the ceremony.
Shhh.....
While my son was on the Navy carrier USS George Washington, the air wing was busy with training missions. After talking to a pilot, one air-traffic controller accidentally left his microphone on and remarked to a nearby buddy, "That guy sounded just like Elmer Fudd." The airwaves got strangely quiet as everyone listened, realizing that the pilot had also heard the comment. After about ten seconds, the pilot broke the silence by announcing: "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We aw hunting submawines."
Prescription Check
An old man strode in to his doctor's office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The old man said, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
Morning Run
The drill sergeant, making his morning announcements to a group of newcomers in a training camp, stated: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. First, the good. Private Johnson will be setting the pace on our morning run." With this the platoon was overjoyed, as Private Johnson was overweight and terribly slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Johnson will be driving a truck."
Metal Detector
In January 1991, I was being deployed to Operation Desert Storm. Before boarding the C-141 transport at Shaw Air Force Base in South Carolina, I had to go through tight security. After a meticulous x-ray examination of my carry-on bag, I removed all metal objects from my uniform and was finally able to pass through the detector without setting off the alarm. "Just out of curiosity," I asked the airman operating the checkpoint, "why did you make me go through all that?" "We want to be sure you aren't carrying any weapons on board," he said, handing me back my M-16 rifle.
- from Reader's Digest, "Humor In Uniform," by Stephen Shoemaker
Round n' Round
While practicing auto-rotations during a military night training exercise, a Huey Cobra messed up and landed on its tail rotor so hard that it broke off the tail boom. Fortunately, however, the chopper remained upright on its skids, as it slid down the runway, turning in circles. As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio exchange that took place...
Tower: "Sir, do you need any assistance?"
Cobra: "I don't know, Tower. We ain't done crashin' yet!"
Replacement Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Helloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Hellooooo? "It's been a year!" I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Honesty
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, 'cause everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...
Texas Labor
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 20 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. "That's the guy I want to talk to......the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.
Sweet Tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Southern Vacation Guide
If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are ten things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a tow-chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
10. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Daffynitions
Excommunicated: Received a phone call from a former spouse
Protestants: Worker ants out to overthrow the Queen
Fanatic: To cool off the extreme upper portion of the house
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Icing: What I do when I shower
Understudy: Prepare inadequately for the exam
Paradise: What you shoot craps with
Store Detective: Counter spy
Infantry: A newly planted sapling
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, 'cause everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders". Guess where I am now...
Texas Labor
A man owned a small ranch near San Antonio . The Texas Dept of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him. "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 20 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. "That's the guy I want to talk to......the half-wit," says the agent. "That would be me," replied the farmer.
Sweet Tea
A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Southern Vacation Guide
If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are ten things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a tow-chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
10. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Daffynitions
Excommunicated: Received a phone call from a former spouse
Protestants: Worker ants out to overthrow the Queen
Fanatic: To cool off the extreme upper portion of the house
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Icing: What I do when I shower
Understudy: Prepare inadequately for the exam
Paradise: What you shoot craps with
Store Detective: Counter spy
Infantry: A newly planted sapling
Friday, June 4, 2010
Friday's Funnies
Who?
Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom where I stood as the court deputy. "Is this a tough judge?" the prisoner asked. "Yes," the bailiff said. "A tough but fair judge." "Yeah? How tough?" "The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate," the bailiff replied. "I don't know him," said the prisoner. "I'm not from around here."
The Rescue
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the obviously deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
Oldies
While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station on. It played a song that I remembered from the 1960s. "You know, Son, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg when I was young." "Gee, Mom, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to turn it off."
Computer One-Liners
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
Routine physical
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about 165." he says. The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Oh, about six feet," he says. The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high. "High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
For the love of words
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Little old Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much... I only bought five items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bilingual Dog
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became... the world's first "Si" 'n' "Aye" dog!
Guards escorted a handcuffed prisoner into the courtroom where I stood as the court deputy. "Is this a tough judge?" the prisoner asked. "Yes," the bailiff said. "A tough but fair judge." "Yeah? How tough?" "The toughest judge since Pontius Pilate," the bailiff replied. "I don't know him," said the prisoner. "I'm not from around here."
The Rescue
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the obviously deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his iPod.
Oldies
While driving in the car with my son, I had an "oldies" radio station on. It played a song that I remembered from the 1960s. "You know, Son, this song was on when I was in bed with a broken leg when I was young." "Gee, Mom, that's too bad," he replied. "You couldn't even get up to turn it off."
Computer One-Liners
What is a computer's first sign of old age? Loss of memory.
What does a baby computer call his father? Data.
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
Routine physical
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "Oh, about 165." he says. The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "Oh, about six feet," he says. The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high. "High!" The man explains, "Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!"
For the love of words
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
- When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
- She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
- A lot of money is tainted - it taint yours and it taint mine.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
- Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Little old Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, And she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, It would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom!"
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much... I only bought five items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."
Bilingual Dog
In the early 1700s, the captain of a Spanish pirate ship was very proud of his mongrel pet for its ability to bark once for "Si," and twice for "No." After being captured by a British commander, the dog was taught the same trick in English. He thereby became... the world's first "Si" 'n' "Aye" dog!
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