Friday's Funnies

 A Large Order

A customer sent a large order to a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid so they sent a message: "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the reply came: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

 

Deposit With a Whisper

One day a young man went up to the teller window at the bank and whispered, "Please deposit hundred dollars in my savings account." The teller handled the transaction and whispered back, "Have a good day." He started to leave but changed his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but if my car knows I've deposited money, it'll break down again." With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.

 

How Old Are You?

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers. "Oh, you're four," said the teacher. "And when will you be 5?" The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, "When I hold up the other finger."

 

Speeding Ticket

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car.  I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir.  That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.  Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer.  Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

 

Bill Murray Quotes

- Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood.

- Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
- Just beat my record for most consecutive days without dying.
- Friendship is so weird. You just pick a human you've met and you're like, 'Yep, I like this one,' and you just do stuff with them.
- Disneyland. The world's biggest people trap, built by a mouse.
- I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink two times a year. When it's my birthday, and when it's not my birthday.
- You can tell how boring a person is by the lack of fear in their eyes when someone is flipping through photos on their phone.
- My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 computer. They went to the moon. I play Tetris.

King Arthur’s Unknown Knights

It is a little-known fact that King Arthur had more knights than is usually believed. They included:

~ Sir Face - the devastatingly handsome, but disappointingly shallow knight.

~ Sir Pass – Arthur's best knight of all.

~ Sir Port - a great help to all the other knights.

~ Sir Prise – the knight who could always be relied on to do the unexpected.

~ Sir Vey – a watchful knight.

~ Sir Cuitous  - a knight who approached his duties in a roundabout way.

~ Sir Pose - a knight who stands by wild predictions.

~ Sir Cumvent – the evasive knight.

~ Sir Reen – a calm and cheerful knight.

~ Sir Spicious – a paranoid knight.

~ Sir Real – a vague and insubstantial knight.

~ Sir Cumstances – a knight whose fault it never was.

~ Sir Cumference - invented the round table.

~ Sir Plus - that extra knight.

~ Sir Cumference - the obese knight.

 

Dad Joke

I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

 

Today’s Thought

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?

Friday's Funnies

 Things I'm Great At

- Forgetting someone's name ten seconds after they tell me.

- Buying produce...and throwing it away two weeks later.
- Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.
- Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.
- Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to remove the wrinkles. Then forgetting it again.
- Calculating how much sleep I'll get if I can just "fall asleep right now."

Wife’s Birthday

It was my wife's birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home. "Can't talk," I said, "I'm driving." "Where are you?" she asked. She wasn't happy when I said the 7th tee.

Parking Sign

Frog Parking Only. All others will be toad.

Waiter!

A waiter places a warm cup in front of the gentleman. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out. He turns to the waiter and says, "Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, "But, sir, you asked for fresh ground!"

 

Anger Management

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

 

Who Knew

It turns out when you're asked who your favorite child is, you're expected to pick one of your own.

 

Puns

- The Roman emperor's wife hates playing hide and seek, because wherever she goes, Julius Caesar.

- If you're being chased by a pack of taxidermists, whatever you do, don't play dead.
- I tried to steal some spaghetti, but the female guard saw me, and I couldn't get pasta.

- My friend Jon was going to a fancy dress party is an Italian island.  I told him, don't be Sicily.
- I'm not sure what you call a small spillage from a pen, but I have an inkling.
- My grandfather invented the cold air balloon, but it never really took off.
- I used to work in a shoe recycling shop… It was "sole destroying."
- When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she dye.

- Once you see in one shopping center, you seen a mall.

- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

- I'm a big fan of erasable whiteboards.  I find them quite remarkable.

- Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.  It was such a nice jester.

- To become a vegetarian is a huge missed steak.

- The other day I tried to make a chemistry joke but got no reaction.

- It's funny, England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it has a Liverpool.

- Acupuncture is a jab well done.

- Is it true that when your clock is hungry, it goes back 4 seconds.

 

Failed Engine

Fifteen minutes into flight, the pilot announced: "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the pilot announced: "One more engine has failed, and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left." The guy in seat 17A turned to me and said, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

 

Good Question

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news. Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don't worry, the cat is in heaven with God now." The boy replied, "What's God going to do with a dead cat?"

Waiting on the Doctor

If you have ever had to wait in a doctor's office for what it seems is like an eternity - you will appreciate this story. A doctor tells the story when he was having one of those days when he wondered whether he should have stayed in bed. He was running late on his appointments and had a headache. He got a surprise when he entered the next examining room. He opened the door with a little less than his usual enthusiasm only to find that his next patient had set him up. He had stretched out on the examining table, taken the sheet provided on the table and pulled it over his whole body and stuck a sign on his chest that simply stated: "TOO LATE!"

Dad Joke

Bread is a lot like the sun.

In what way?

It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

Didn't knead this today!

Today’s Thought

Sometimes I amaze myself with the stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.

Friday's Funnies

 Leap Day Groaners

- What do athletes wear on Leap Day? Jumpsuits.

- Where do most people eat on Leap Day? IHOP.
- What do kids play on Leap Day? Hop-scotch.
- What do you tell a hitchhiker on Leap Day? Hop in.
- What does a lawyer do on Leap Day? Jump to conclusions.
- What does a butterfly do on Leap Day? Jump out of his own skin.
- How do you know it's almost Leap Day? When it is only a hop, skip and a jump away.
- What does a captain do on Leap Day? Jump ship.
- What did the pastor say to all the sinners on February 29th? Take a leap of faith.
- I wasn't going to celebrate Leap Day, but I decided to jump on the bandwagon.

In A Hurry

This morning, I used Red Bull instead of water to make my coffee. After 15 minutes on the highway, I realized I left my car at home!

 

Grandma Reading Her Bible

Every time a little boy went to a playmate's house, he found the friend's grandmother deeply engrossed in her Bible. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him. "Why do you suppose your grandmother reads the Bible so much?" he asked. "I'm not sure," said his friend, "but I think she's cramming for finals."

 

Don't Hurt Me

Me: (sobbing, eyes swollen, nose red) I can't see you anymore. I am not going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up! You did one sit up.

Updated Employee Handbook - Effective Immediately...

DRESS CODE:

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $600 Prada sneakers and carrying a $1200 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you can go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:

Operations are now banned. If you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:

All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: January 1, July 4 & December 25.

ABSENCE DUE TO YOUR OWN DEATH:

This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20; employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.

In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employee's supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week,
The Management

 

Dad Joke

Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange." I said, "No, it doesn't."

Today’s Thought

Join the two-day challenge: No coffee on February 30 and 31.