Friday's Funnies

Math

 The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.  She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"  Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

Languages

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.  "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.  "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.  "Parlare Italiano?" No response.  "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.  The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first American turns to the second and says, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."  "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Game Warden

A man was stopped by a game warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.  The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"  "Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."  "Pet fish?"  "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."  "That's a bunch of bunk! Fish can't do that!"  The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."  "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"  The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"  "Well, what?" said the man.  "When are you going to call them back?"  "Call who back?"  "The FISH!"  "What fish?"

Anniversary Blunder

On their second anniversary, a husband sent flowers to his wife at the office.  He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2!" on the card.  She was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card: "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2."

Fortune Teller

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.  "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children."  "That's what you think," the man laughed. "I'm the father of THREE children."  The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think!"

Humans

1. My wife and I went through the McDonald's drive through window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.  Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.'  I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

2. We had to have the garage door repaired.  The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.  I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.  He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'  I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'  We haven't used that repairman since...

3. I live in a semi rural area.  We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.  The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

4. My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.  She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'  He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

5. I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,  'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'  To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'  He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

6. The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.  I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.  She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.  I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.  Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'  She is a government employee.....

7. When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.  As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!'  His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

Very Unimportant Facts

- Almonds are a member of the peach family.

- An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

- Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

- February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

- In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

- If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

- If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.

- Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

- On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

Today’s Thought

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

Friday's Funnies

Code

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights".  The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.  What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"  "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."  "Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.  The guy says "What are the beans for?"  The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."

Difference

Sam:  Do you know the difference between a guest towel and toilet paper?

Bob:  No...

Sam:  In that case, don't use our bathroom.

Wedding

Two young boys were sitting patiently through a wedding. One asked the other, "How many wives can a man have?"  The other replied, "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."

Signs Your Baptism Service Is Not Going Like It Should

8. The Coast Guard becomes involved.

7. The service is held at "Splash Mountain Water Park."

6. The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.

5. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.

4. The preacher uses plastic animated Billy the Bass singing "Take Me Down to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River."

3. You keep hearing the pastor say, "Oops. Honestly, sister, I didn't know about that drop-off."

2. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

Getting Formal

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "I don't want to hear you call 'Mother' one more time!" she warned him sternly. After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs: "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

Wrong Number

Joe's phone rang at 3:00 AM this morning and he answered it only to find it was a wrong number. The caller was very apologetic. But Joe, half asleep, said, "Oh, that's OK, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Don't Try This At Home

After tucking their three-year-old child, Tyler, in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Tyler's ear. Tyler was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

It'll Come To Me

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time _ but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Short Ponderations

I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

Quoting one source is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.  "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.  No one answered.  "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"  Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"  The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Memorial

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased."  "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand."  "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"  Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."  Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?"  "Two and a half carats."

Today’s Thought

One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance that no one has heard it before.

Friday's Funnies

Warning

A state trooper stopped a Congressman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed him a ticket, the Congressman asked, "Don't you give out warnings?"  "Yes, sir," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 65.'"

Umpire Humor

Q: What do umpires and girls have in common?
A: They both make a lot of calls.

Q: What's the difference between a rain barrel and a bad fielder?
A: One catches drops; the other drops catches.

Q: Why did the umpire penalize the chicken?
A: For using fowl language.

Q: What's the difference between an umpire and a pickpocket?
A: One watches steals; the other steals watches.

Q: What do tough teachers and umpires have in common?
A: They penalize you for errors.

Ten Things Engineering School Didn't Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip; it's a documentary.

Flying Is Like Driving

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Drunk

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk.  He told me the other vehicle was a cow.  

Signs That Your New Car Is A Lemon (aka dud)

~ As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

~ You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Moe's Towing Company.

~ The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

~ The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

~ The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

~ You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

~ As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

~ When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway.  As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.

~ The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."

Parent Tweets

Are you a parent? Then you'll understand these tweets:

- My 14-year-old made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day. So I changed the Wi-Fi password.

- My kids wanted to know what it's like to be a mom, so I woke them up at 2 a.m. to let them know my sock came off.

- Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Census

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Woman: "Four."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"

Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Today’s Thought

Okay, so what's the speed of dark?

Friday's Funnies

Wi-Fi Password

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. "It's taped under the modem," I told him.  After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, "Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?"

Making Friends Outside Facebook

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.  I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.  I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.  And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

Fishing Tip

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.  The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.  The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"  The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."  "What was that?" the old man asked.  Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."  "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."  The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Computer Size

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new desktop computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house. Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "Wow! How big was the mouse?"

WWJD — What Would Jesus Drive?

In Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a sports car with a hole in its muffler, "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."

The Turkey Dilemma

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!" His friends, who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?" The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I have no idea. Can't catch it."

25 Church Signs

1.            Give God what's RIGHT — not what's LEFT.

2.            Man's way leads to hopeless end; God's way leads to endless hope.

3.            A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4.            He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5.            In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but never let him be the period.

6.            Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7.            Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a faith-lift.

8.            When praying, don't give God instructions — just report for duty.

9.            Don't wait for six strong men to take you to the church.

10.         We don't change God's message; His message changes us.

11.         All churches should be prayer-conditioned.

12.         When God ordains, He sustains.

13.         WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14.         Plan ahead — it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15.         Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16.         Suffering from truth decay? Brush up with your Bible on a daily basis.

17.         Exercise daily! Walk with the Lord.

18.         Never give the devil a ride — he will always want to drive.

19.         Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20.         Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21.         He who angers you controls you.

22.         Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23.         Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler.

24.         Be ye fishers of men — you catch them, and God will clean them.

25.         God does not call the qualified; he qualifies the called.

The Secret

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."  "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."  "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

Today’s Thought

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.