Friday's Funnies

You Know You’re A Bad Cook When...

- You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer.

- You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece.

- Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat.

- When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial.

- Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren.

- Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which.

- You've used three boxes of scouring pads, a bottle of Drano, and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan.

- You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware.

Aids Warning!

To all of you who are approaching 60 or have REACHED 60 and past, this is especially for you.
SENIOR CITIZENS ARE THE WORLD'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!!!
Yes, AIDS...
Hearing aids, band aids, walking aids, medical aids, and most of all, monetary aid to their kids!
Not forgetting HIV (Hair Is Vanishing)
HAPPY SENIOR CITIZEN DAY!

Fundamental Difference

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'  The florist was pleased and left the shop.  When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.  Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'  The cop was happy and left the shop.  The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.  Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'  The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.  The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.  And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. 

Sign

Sign on company bulletin board: "This firm requires no physical-fitness program. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying of the handle, running down the boss, flogging dead horses, knifing friends in the back, dodging responsibility, and pushing their luck."

A Man's Guide to What A Woman Is Saying

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
.... without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.
.... you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

Lacking Trust

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Capitol in Washington, DC and walks on.  A police officer stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it is a VIP road and all congressmen and senators pass from here?"  Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!"

Alarming

A man boarded a train and said to the conductor, "I'm a heavy sleeper.  Please be sure to wake me at 2:00 a.m. so that I can get off in Atlanta. Whatever I say, get me up. I have an extremely important business there!" The next morning the man woke up in Richmond. He found the conductor and shouted, "Do you know how angry I am?" "Probably about as angry as the man I had get off in Atlanta," replied the conductor.

Today’s Thought

Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. 

Friday's Funnies

Future Occupation

A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"  "Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector," he replies.  To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."  "Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"

Dalmatian

A nursery school teacher was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.  "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.  "No," said another, "he's just for good luck."  A third child brought the argument to a close: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

Sunday School Observations

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted. "My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?" "No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

New Diet

After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery.  But, this morning, I accidentally drove by the bakery and as I approached, there in the window were a host of goodies.  I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, please create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."  And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!  God is good!

Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.  Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humor!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling, 'You stay out of this.. I'm talking to that little person on your lap.'

 Top 16 Rejected International Sports Team Names

16. Brussels Sprouts

15. Cannes Openers

14. Amsterdam Yankees

13. Vienna Sausages

12. Belgium Waffles

11. Manila Folders

10. Czech Bouncers

9. New Delhi Catessans

8. Buenos Airheads

7. Iraqi Raccoons

6. Seoul Brothers

5. Taipei Personalities

4. Syria Killers

3. Hungary Jacks

2. Dublin Mint Twins

1. Peking Toms

Running Late

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

Money for the Pastor

A little boy was given a five dollar bill to put in the collection plate. When the offering came around, he wouldn't put it in. But after the end of the service, when he went to shake the pastor's hand, he pulled out the five dollar bill and gave it to the pastor. The pastor asked him, "Why are you giving me this money? Why didn't you put it in the offering plate?" And the boy answered, "Because my mommy told me you're the poorest pastor we've ever had!"

DNA Test Results

After 3 years, the wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test. She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents. 

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our child.

Husband: Well don't you remember? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had a wet diaper and you said, "Honey, go change the baby, I'll wait for you here."

Today’s Thought

Punctual people have nothing better to do.

Friday's Funnies

Oneliners

- I know it's just a diet, but my body thinks it's famine.

- Punctual people have nothing better to do.

- The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

- I had plastic surgery last week. My wife cut up my credit cards.

- This house is protected by killer dust bunnies.

An Adventure On Safari

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.  One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.  Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.  Ben picked up his rifle and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.  The wife said, "What are we going to do?"  "Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Six-Pack

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it. The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair." Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. "The curlers are on me."

What Made Me Fat?

Husband: It says in this article that high fructose corn syrup made me fat.

Wife: That's ridiculous!

Husband: Okay, Miss know it all, if high fructose corn syrup didn't make me fat, what did?

Wife: Going back for thirds.

Agenda

An old guy shows up at the Pearly Gates.  "Man," he says to Saint Peter, "I was so busy when I was working, and even busier after I retired. Now it's time for some much needed R and R."  Saint Peter looks at him and says "Didn't you hear? You have a new agenda!"  "Agenda?" says the man as he hurriedly rustles through his welcome packet.  "Where is it?!"  Saint Peter smiles and says "Oh, it's on the cloud now!"

Life’s Irritants

- You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.  

- The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle but says nothing.

- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.

- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.

- You've cut your finger and no matter how you pull, rip, and scream the Band-Aid won't open.

- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.

- Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.

- After a turn on to a busy street, you drive five blocks before you notice your turn signal is still blinking.

Wifi Password

Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. And I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender "What's the wifi password?"

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first".

Me: Okay, I’ll have a beer.

Bartender: We have Molsons Canadian on tap.

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $8.00.

Me: Ok. Here you are. What's the wifi password?

Bartender: youneedtobuyadrinkfirst, no spaces and all lowercase.....

Useful words that ought to exist:

1) Begathon - Fundraising drive on public television or radio.

2) Cheedle - Residue on your fingers after eating Cheetos®.

3) Fenderberg - Deposits of snow and ice that accumulate around your tires under the fender.

4) Flopcorn - Unpopped kernels at the bottom of the microwave bag.

"Please" & "Thank You"

While on maternity leave, a woman from our office brought in her new bundle of joy. She also had her seven-year-old son with her. Everyone gathered around the baby, and the little boy asked, "Mommy, can I have some money to buy a soda?" "What do you say?" she asked. Respectfully, the boy replied, "You're thin and beautiful." The woman reached in her purse and gave her son the money.

Too Effective

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn`t do something about it.  So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine," said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Today’s Thought

Luge is the only sport where you can die during the event and still win.