Friday's Funnies

Easter Sunday

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children's sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in here?"  "I know, I know!" a little boy exclaimed, "pantyhose!"

Why The Easter Bunny Brings Eggs

10. Big tax write-off.

9. Who ever heard of Easter Bricks?

8. Consider all of the varieties: scrambled, over easy, hard boiled.

7. He gets a good deal from the local chickens.

6. Secret plan to eliminate human race by cholesterol overdose.

5. Pressure from the Egg Marketing Board.

4. Because if it brought bottle rockets it would be the Independence Bunny.

3. Would you want to hunt for waffles?

2. He thinks guys should get chicks at least once a year.

1. Because the Energizer Rabbit got the good job.

Deciphering College Students

When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, "Ah, you're Freshmen." Then he explained. "When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen. When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores. When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors. When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors. And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."

The Sermon

After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.  "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled. "Nobody has ever said anything like that about my preaching before. Tell me why." "Because it endured forever."

From Another Era

We were eating corn on the cob two weeks ago and my 5-year-old daughter Rachel seemed to be struggling with it a little bit. I said, "Rachel, eat it like a typewriter." She looked at me with pure innocence in her eyes and said, "Mommy, what's a typewriter?"

Inner Peace

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil Show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a package of Oreos, a pot of coffee, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva Chocolates. Dr. Phil was right — you have no idea how great I feel right now!

A Florida Court Sets Atheist Holy Day

In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.  The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"  The lawyer immediately stood and objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays..." The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client, counselor, is woefully ignorant." The lawyer said," Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists." The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fool's Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.  Court is adjourned..."

Grocer

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each - three for a dollar."  All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!"  Meekly the grocer agreed and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?"  "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Laughing Boss

"I finally got my boss to laugh," said one friend to another after work.

"Oh, how?"

"I asked for a raise!"

The Helpful Teacher

The teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots. He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

Today’s Thought

The word "SWIMS" up¬side-down is still "SWIMS."

Friday's Funnies

Produce

The supermarket near our house has an automatic mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm.  When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing.   When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle.  At this point I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Q & A

Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?

A: Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Move the Car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.  "I have to ask you to move your car," Cal told him.  "Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?"  "No," Cal replied, "it's at the wrong address."

Password

Me: What's the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Bartender: $3.

Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender: "You need to buy a drink first". No spaces, all lowercase

Retirement

A Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much pay.

Retiree’s Quiz

 How many days in a week?

 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

 When is a retiree's bedtime?

 Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

 How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?

 Only one, but it might take all day.

 What's the biggest gripe of retirees?

 There is not enough time to get everything done.

 Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?

 The term comes with a 15% discount.

 Among retirees what is considered formal attire?

 Tied shoes.

 Why do retirees count pennies?

 They are the only ones who have the time.

 What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?

 NUTS!

 Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?

 They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

 What do retirees call a long lunch?

 Normal.

 What is the best way to describe retirement?

 Answers: The never-ending Coffee Break.

 What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?

 If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

 Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?

 He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

Senior Thought

Not to brag, but I went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there.  It was the bathroom, but still...

Racism Today?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days... ever wonder why? A customer walks into an establishment and asks, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"  The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"  The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"  With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"  The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

Today’s Thought

Me fail English? That unpossible!

Friday's Funnies

United Nations Food Survey

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Sunday School Story

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.  "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.  "When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.  "Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."  "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.  "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Pious Man

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to temple. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.  He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"  The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered.  "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me."  "So?" the Rabbi asked indignantly.  "So I don't want to remind him!"

Another Blonde Joke

Last year I replaced several windows in my house and they were the expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work has been completed for a whole year and I had yet to pay for them.  Boy oh boy did we go 'round. Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year. . that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven't heard back. Guess I must have won that silly argument.

Marriage

My wife thinks I put football before marriage, even though we just celebrated our third season together.

Important I.T. Memo

Since our Information Technology expenditures have risen dramatically, the corporate office has defined a low-cost alternative to computers. The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by June 2018. Instead everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch.

There are many sound reasons for doing this:

1. No boot-up problems

2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.

3. No more wasted time reading and writing emails.

Frequently Asked Questions from the Etch-A-Sketch Help Desk:

Q:   My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What's the shortcut for Undo?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I create a New Document window?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?

A:   Pick it up and shake it.

Q:   How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?

A:   Don't shake it.

Today’s Though

My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

Friday's Funnies

Eternity

A man climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai and gets close enough to talk to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord, "God, what does a million years mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  The man then asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Then he asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Won't Sell to You

One day, a blonde went into an appliance store that was having a sale on TVs. She walked up to the counter and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy this TV."  The clerk replied, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."  So, the blonde dyed her hair brown and returned the next day. Again, she went up to the counter and said, "I would like to buy this TV."  Again, the clerk answered, "Sorry, I don't sell to blondes."  Puzzled, the blonde asked, "How did you know I was a blonde?"  The clerk replied, "Because that is a microwave."

Tonsillectomy

We were on our way to the hospital where our 16-year-old daughter was scheduled to undergo a tonsillectomy. During the ride we talked about how the procedure would be performed.  "Dad," our teenager asked, "how are they going to keep my mouth open during the surgery?"  Without hesitation he quipped, "They're going to give you a phone."

Mrs. Right

Sitting in the bar George asked his 40-year-old friend John, "How come you aren't married?" 

John: "I haven't found the right woman yet."

George: "So what are you looking for?"

John: "Oh she's got to be real pretty, a good cook and house keeper. She's got to know how to handle money, have a nice and pleasant personality and money. She's got to have money. And a nice big house wouldn't hurt either."

George: "A woman like that would be crazy to marry YOU!"

John: "Oh, it's okay, if she is crazy."

Which One Are You?

The world is divided into haves and have-nots: those who have a sense of humor and those who do not.

Top 10 Things Overheard On The Ark

10. "Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?"

9. "Hey, there are more than two flies in here!"

8. "Wasn't someone supposed to put two shovels on board?"

7. "Okay, who's the wise guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!"

6. "Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!"

5. "Don't make me pull this ark over and come back there!"

4. "No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!"

3. "And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out."

2. "Nice doggie..."

1. "Are we there yet?"   

Baba's Shaving Cream

A marketing guy who was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this...

Which shaving cream do you use?

The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...

Which aftershave do you use?

Which deodorant do you use?

Which toothpaste do you use?

Which shampoo do you use?

Which soap do you use?

Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,

"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"

The guy replies. . . .

"No, he's my room-mate!"

Strongest Man

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.  The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.  Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.  After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.  Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"  "No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Today’s Thought

I wanted to live the simple life, but figuring it out proved too complex.