Friday's Funnies

Oops

Child at dinner table:  "Are caterpillars good to eat?"

Parent:  "No. Why would you ask a question like that?"

Child:  "Well, there was one in your salad, but it's gone now."

Pets on Planes

While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board.  I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over.  "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!" the customer complained.

Paid in Full

A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers. The reason? A billing service had launched a number that was identical to hers.  When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.  “I've had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn't you change yours?”  The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”  The company got a new number the next day.

Management Smarts

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Promotional Opportunity

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

T-Shirt Slogans

"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!"

"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

Future Nutritionist

During our church's worship service, the pastor invites all the young children to join him near the altar for the "Children's Moments Sermon." One day, with seven small children in attendance, he spoke about the ingredients required to make up a church, using a chocolate-chip cookie as an example. He explained to the children that, as with a cookie requiring ingredients such as sugar and eggs, the church needed ingredients to make up the congregation. Holding a cookie aloft, he asked, "If I took the chocolate chips out of this cookie, what would I have?" A shy six-year-old raised his hand. "Six less grams of fat," he replied.

Reality Check

Father:  "Son, you need to be more industrious. After all, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was out splitting rails."

Son:  "I know, Dad. And when he was your age, he was President."

How To Keep The Office Interesting

~ Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

~ Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.

~ Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

~ Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

~ Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $25 each.

~ Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

~ Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

~ Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

~ Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Two Kids

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Ticket

Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the train. He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider.  One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.  "Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.  "Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.  "Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.  "What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.  Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."

Today’s Thought

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Friday's Funnies

Newspaper Headline Chuckles

- Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Needy

- British Union Finds Dwarves in Short Supply

- Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood

- Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

- Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

School Theater

Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.  Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."  "That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

Roughhousing

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

The Cure

Doctor Bloom, who was known for miraculous cures for arthritis, had a waiting room full of people when a little old lady, completely bent over in half, shuffled in slowly, leaning on her cane. When her turn came, she went into the doctor's office, and, amazingly, emerged within half an hour walking completely erect with her head held high. A woman in the waiting room who had seen all this walked up to the little old lady and said, "It's a miracle! You walked in bent in half and now you're walking erect. What did that doctor do?" She answered, "Miracle, shmiricle. He gave me a longer cane."

Overheard

My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed. His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

Engine Trouble

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.  A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.  "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

Priest’s Collar

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his priest's collar.  A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck.  When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked him, "Do you know why I am wearing that?"  The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

Warning Sign

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?" The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?" The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Appropriate Signs

• Non-smoking area — If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
• Maternity door — Push 3 times.
• Car dealer — Best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment.
• Muffler shop — No appointment needed, we hear you coming.
• Vet's office — Be back in five minutes, Sit, Stay.
• Electric Company — We would be Delighted if you send in your payment. If you don't, you will be.

Revenge
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher.  The judge was delighted. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court. Now please sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Deer Season

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. Our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand. Puzzled, the pastor said, "I don't get it. Last Sunday many of you said you were missing because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer." One hunter groaned, "Well, it worked. They're all safe."

Today’s Thought

If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way your wife told you.

Friday's Funnies

Time to Go

A woman was instructing the new maid on the great care required in handling certain valuable household objects. She pointed into the dining room and said with great pride, "That table goes back to Louis the Fourteenth."  "Oh, that's nothing," the maid interjected. "My whole living-room set goes back to Sears the fifteenth."

What's Your Secret?

A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular! Your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"  Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered!"

Useful Metric Conversions

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 Unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

10 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

10 millipedes = 1 centipede

10 monologs = 5 dialogues

5 dialogues = 1 decalogue

2 monograms = 1 diagram

8 nickels = 2 paradigms

2 wharves = 1 paradox

100 Senators = not 1 decision.

Retail Experience

Rossi was the manager of an upscale men's wear store in a wealthy section of town and was interviewing Abe for a recently advertised salesman role.  Rossi looked at Abe's resume and noticed that Abe had never worked in retail before.  Rossi said to Abe, "For someone with no retail experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary."  "Well, I suppose I am," Abe replied, "but you must understand that the work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing." 

Heaven

The Sunday school teacher asked her preschool class, "How many of you would like to go to Heaven?"  All the children raised their hands except Tommy. The teacher asked Tommy why he wouldn't like to go to Heaven.  Tommy answered, "I'm sorry, but I can't. My mother told me to come right home after Sunday school."

"My car!"

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, “Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“NO!” screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex! My Rolex!”

Name Game

My friend's habit of associating a person's name with something familiar in order to remember it recently caused a social disaster. She had been introduced to a Hazel Johnson at a gathering. Sometime later, they met again. My friend recognized the woman but forgot her name. She did, however, recall associating the name, and impulsively greeted her new acquaintance with, "I'm so sorry, I can't recall your name. But I distinctly remember you as some kind of nut!"

Pedal To The Metal

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing across his scalp. "Amazing," he thought, pushing the pedal even more. But then, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" So he pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding — a reason I've never before heard — I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused, then said, "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back." After a brief pause to reflect, the Trooper said, "Have a good day, Sir."

Today’s Thought

I really didn't mean to push all your buttons. I was just looking for mute.

Friday's Funnies

Elderly Woman’s Request

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.  In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."

How Practical

My wife was grading a science test at home that she had given to her elementary-school class and was reading some of the results to me. The subject was the human body, and the first question was: "Name one of the major functions of your skin." One child wrote: "To keep people who look at you from throwing up."

Headlines

The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE CROOKS." Many local politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and ran his apology with the headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS."

Word Play

1. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

2. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

3. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

4. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

5. A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking in to it.

6. A sign on the lawn of a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

7. A backward poet writes in-verse.

8. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

9. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Little Pane

A minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish and of presenting the children's message.   It seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us are called to help make up the whole picture of life (the family of God). Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.  And then he said, "You see each one of you is a little pane."  And then pointing to each child, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."  It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing so hard. 

You Might Be In Education If…

~ You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

~ You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

~ You can tell it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

~ You believe "shallow gene pool" should have its own box on the report card.

~ When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

~ You have no time for a life from August to June.

~ You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

~ You encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling.

~ You think caffeine should be available to staff in IV form.

~ Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question: "Why is the kid like this?"

~ You laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the "lounge."

The Horn

One day while driving with my 4 year old daughter, I beeped the horn by mistake.  She turned and looked at me for an explanation.  I said, "I did that by accident."  She replied, "I know that....'cause you didn't say YOU JERK afterwards!"

Paranoid

A man keeps having horrible paranoid feelings that someone was hiding under his bed.  He finally goes to a psychiatrist. He tells the doctor that he just knows there is someone hiding under his bed at night. He says that whenever he gets the courage to look under the bed, he doesn't see anyone, but feels the person has probably climbed on top of the bed. So, while he's never seen the person, he knows he is there.  The psychiatrist says, "This sounds like a very deep-seated problem. It'll probably take some intense therapeutic sessions, at least once or twice a week for a year or two to resolve the matter."  The man said, "How much will this cost?"  The doc says, "$150 per session."  The man gulps and says, "Doc, let me think about it."  A couple of weeks later the man bumps into the doctor on the sidewalk and says, "Hey, doc. Good news! I'm cured, and it only cost me $10."  The psychiatrist was stunned and asked, "That's amazing. How is that possible?"  The man says, "I was telling my ol' granny about my problem and she said, "Why, honey, just cut the legs off the bed!" 

Vow Of Poverty

A burglar broke into a minister's house and told the pastor, "One move and you're dead. I'm looking for money." The vicar replied, "Hang on, let me get a light and I'll help you."

Today’s Thought

I'm getting kind of tired always slowly raising my hand when someone asks, "Who does something like that?!?"

Friday's Funnies

Smarty

Father: "Son, you need to be more industrious.  After all, when Abraham Lincoln was your age he was out splitting rails."

Son: "I know, Dad. And when he was your age, he was President."

Ten-Thousand Roaches

A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand cockroaches at once."  "What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?" asked the clerk.  "Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it."

Water Issues

A guide is showing a Texan the majestic Niagara Falls. "I'll bet you don't have anything like that in Texas!" "Nope, I reckon we don't," said the Texan. "But we've got plumbers who could fix it."

Predictions

Johnny:  "Do you think people can predict the future with cards?"
Jimmy:  "My mother sure can. She takes one look at my report card and tells me exactly what will happen when Dad gets home."

How to Get On in Life

"Tell me how to get on in life," said the kettle.

"Take panes," said the window.

"Never be led," said the pencil.

"Do a driving business," said the hammer.

"Make light of everything," said the fire.

"Make much of small things," said the microscope.

"Never do anything offhand," said the glove.

"Just reflect," said the mirror.

"Be sharp," said the knife.

"Find a good thing and stick to it," said the glue.

Alpha Geese

On a crisp fall afternoon, my four-year-old son was helping rake leaves in the front yard of our farmhouse. I glanced up just in time to see a flock of geese flying over and pointed out how they flew in a formation shaped like a "V." He patiently watched them as they disappeared over the horizon and then turned to me and asked, "Do they know any other letters?"

Door Signs

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room. Five minutes later, he calls the desk and says, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"  The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"  The person says, "Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it." 

Percentage

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

Life Changes

Dear Grandson:

I have become a little older since I saw you last, and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen everyday. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, and when he is here he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life. 

Love,

Grandma

P.S. The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement, I ask myself, "Now, what am I here after?"

Looking Back

One Sunday morning, a Sunday school teacher was teaching on how Lot's wife looked back and suddenly turned into a pillar of salt.  One little boy raised his hand and said, "Yes, my mother looked back once while she was driving… and she turned into a telephone pole."

Today’s Thought

The mind is like a television...when it goes blank, it’s a good idea to turn off the sound.