Friday's Funnies

Love Notes

My cell phone quit as I tried to let my wife know that I was caught in freeway gridlock and would be late for our anniversary dinner. I wrote a message on my laptop asking other motorists to call her, printed it on a portable inkjet, and taped it to my rear window. When I finally arrived home, my wife gave me the longest kiss ever. "I really think you love me," she said. "At least 70 people called and told me so."

Collared

A pastor was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his clergy collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the pastor asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the pastor's neck. When the pastor finally realized what the boy was pointing at, he asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing that?" The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months."

The Dunn Deal

Our old friend Gladys Dunn attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, Gladys walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to be sociable, Gladys extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"

Very Punny

• I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
• How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
• Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
• Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
• Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
• I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
• Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Ouch

US President Woodrow Wilson's father was a minister. Rather tall and thin, Wilson Sr. made quite a contrast to his horse, which was well-built.   One day with horse and buggy and young Woodrow along, the minister was asked by a parishioner, "Reverend, how is it that you're so thin and gaunt while your horse is so big and sleek?"  Before he could reply, young Woodrow exclaimed, "Probably because my father feeds the horse and the congregation feeds my father!"

Jungle Talk

Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best.  The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance.  The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength … None in the forest dared to challenge him.  The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature.  As the trio debated the issue, an alligator came along and swallowed them all … hawk, lion and stinker.

Government worker

A man stopped at a local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.   He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.  "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a recycle container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"   "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.   "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"   "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Greg and Matt. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree, and Matt here puts the dirt back. Greg's job's been cut so now it's just me an' Matt."

Today’s Thought

Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is kinda the same thing.

Friday's Funnies

VALENTINE'S GROANERS

Q.  What did the valentine card say to the stamp?

A.  Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q.  What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?

A.  Hog and kisses!

Q.  Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?

A.  Sure, they're very scent-imental!

Q.  What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?

A.  "I'm sweet on you!"

Q.  What did the bat say to his girlfriend?

A.  "You're fun to hang around with."

Q.  Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?

A.  He fell in love with a pin cushion!

Q.  What did the pencil say to the paper?

A.  "I dot my i's on you!"

Q.  What did one light bulb say to the other?

A.  "I love you a whole watt!"

Travel Advisory

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should carry along these ten things:

1.       Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

2.       Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

3.       24 hours supply of food and drink

4.       De-icer

5.       5 pounds of rock salt

6.       Torch or lantern with spare batteries

7.       Road flares and reflective triangles

8.       Tow rope, 5 gallon gasoline can

9.       First aid kit

10.   Jumper cables

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.

Funny signs

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

Door of a plastic surgeon’s office:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”

On a maternity room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”

At an optometrist’s office:
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

In a podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

At a proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”

Car Keys

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.  I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.  Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.  My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.  My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.  His theory is that the car will be stolen.  As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.  I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. 
Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)  "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."  There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.  "Are you kidding' me", he barked, "I dropped you off!!!"  Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."  He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."  Yep it's the golden years...............

Letter From Management - The Perfect Worker

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That idiot was looking over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

Today’s Thought

If you aim at nothing, you'll hit it every time.

Friday's Funnies

NASA

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.  To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.  The Russians use a pencil.

Lawyer

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.  She rushed in and said, “What is it, honey?”  He told her to run and get the Bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.  He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.  The wife was curious, so she asked, “What are you doing, honey?”  “I’m looking for loopholes!” he shouted.

Speeding

Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained.  The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”  I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.”  He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

Why are you staring at me?

A fellow hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.  All during dinner one co-worker's tiny daughter stared at the man sitting across from her.  The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.  The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring.  He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him.  He asked her, "Sweetie, why are you staring at me?"  The table went quiet for her response.  The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"

Humorous Actual Headlines

• Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
• Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
• Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
• Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
• Eye Drops Off Shelf
• Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
• President Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
• Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Neologism contest

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.  The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

5. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

6. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.

7. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

8.  Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: ‘I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’  ‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’  ‘How much do you charge?’  ‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.  ‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.  Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.  ‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!’  ‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’  ‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!’

Ten of The Best Witty and Funny Church Signs

1. Notice in a church parking lot. Trespassers will be baptised.

2. If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.

3. Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.

4. How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Non-smoking?

5. Fight truth decay — study the Bible daily.

6. No God – No Peace. Know God – Know Peace.

7. Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

8. When the restaurant next to a chapel put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the chapel reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

9. Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.

10. In the dark? Follow the Son.

Today’s Thought

The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.

Friday's Funnies

How'd That Happen?

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

Super Distractions

Nothing rattles my father-in-law, especially when the Super Bowl is on TV. One day we were watching a game when my mother-in-law shrieked from the kitchen, "Jim, there's a horsefly in here!" Not taking his eyes off the screen, he barked back, "Give it some cough syrup."

Frank Feldman

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the Cabbie said, "perfect timing. You're just like Frank."  Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."  Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."  Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."  Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."  Passenger: "An amazing fellow.  How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank.  He died and I married his widow."

A Touching Love Story

This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"  She replied, "A can of peaches."   The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.  The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.  She replied, "6.”  The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail.”  Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.   The judge said, "What is it?"  The husband replied, "She also stole a can of peas." 

What To Do?

A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.  The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.

Sad Story

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.  As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.  I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.  The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.  And as I played Amazing Grace, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.  As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."  Apparently I'm still lost....it's a guy thing.

Today’s Though

My memory is SO bad I changed my password to "incorrect." That way when I enter the wrong one, it'll tell me, "Your password is incorrect."