Diet
I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and
20 minutes.
English
The English Language is weird. It can be understood
through tough thorough thought though.
Retirement
(Husband) Now that I'm retired, I finally have my very own
Command Center!
(Wife) It looks like a lazy boy recliner, a TV remote and a half-eaten bag of
Cheetos on an end table to me!
(Husband) It's a clandestine operation so don't tell anyone!
(Wife) Don't worry I won't tell a soul! Just to clear things up though, is the armchair
law practice and the sports announcing gig a secret too?
Handyman
Hired a handyman and gave him a list of tasks. When I got home, only items #1,
3, & 5 were done. Turns out he only does odd jobs.
Fat Free
A boy read a restaurant sign that advertised fat-free French
fries. "Sounds great," said the health-conscious boy. He ordered
some. He watched as the cook pulled a basket of fries from the fryer. The
potatoes were dripping with oil when the cook put them into the
container. "Wait a minute," the boy said. "Those don't look
fat-free." "Sure they are," the cook said. "We charge
only for the potatoes. The fat is free."
Multitasker
I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at
the same time!
Bribing the Judge
A Judge addressed the court, at the start of a case: "I
have to declare an interest in this case. Last week, the plaintiff sent me a
check for $10,000 to find in his favor. Two days later, I received $20,000 from
the defendant to find in his favor. "I have therefore sent $10,000 back to
the defendant and can try the case without bias."
Getting Married
Dearest Dad, I am coming home to get married soon. Can you
help pay for a big wedding? I am presently in Australia and the boy I love
lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had
long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Zoom, and we've stayed in touch
through Viber. Dad, can I count on you for a big wedding? Your favorite
daughter, Lilly
Dad's response: My Dearest Lilly, Like
Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon
on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when
you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay! Love, Dad
Entering Heaven
Bob dies and goes to heaven. He is met at the pearly gates
by the angel overseeing all the admissions into heaven. The angel looks at him
and starts flipping through the book in front of him. "Bob," begins
the angel, "we have a problem. As far as I can see, you have exactly fifty
percent good deeds and fifty percent sins. I can't let you into heaven on that
basis. Are there any good deeds in your life that I may have missed that would
tip the scales?" "Well, what
about the time that I was on the train and a man was about to beat an old woman
senseless and I stepped in to stop him?" The angel flips through the book
again, "Gee, I don't see that in here … when did that happen?" Bob answered, "Couldn't have been more
than five minutes ago!"
Zoom Meeting
Online meetings: Not muting your mic is the new Reply To
All.
Vendor
Problem
In a software design meeting, we were using typical
technical jargon to discuss a data exchange interface with a vendor. One
co-worker said the programming we had ordered was delayed because the vendor
was suffering from a "severe nonlinear waterfowl issue." Curious, the
team leader raised his eyebrows and asked, "What exactly is that?" The
programmer replied, "They don't have all their ducks in a row."
Deer Hunting
A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in
twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others
asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up
the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out
there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call,"
nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
Doctor
Patient: "Doctor, I accidentally swallowed a
spoon!"
Doctor: "Okay, sit down and don't stir."
Dad Joke
Every morning I announce that I'm going jogging, but then I don't. It's a running
joke.
Today’s Thought
Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.
