Friday's Funnies

 Sermon 

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit. The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!" "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

 

Old Tractors 

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor. She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?" Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Dentist and Patient 

Dentist - "Try to relax. I'll pull your aching tooth in five minutes."
Patient - "How much will this cost?"
Dentist - "It`ll be $100."
Patient - "That much for just five minutes work?"
Dentist - "Well if you prefer, I can pull it out very slowly."

Hospital Information

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, Dr. Wilson said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a boy," replied Dr. Wilson.

 

Yuck

A teacher's worst nightmare...tying a wet shoelace when it hasn't been raining.

 

Pastor Faux Pas

1. “God loves a cheerful liver.”

2. “We must guard against that four-letter word called pride.”

3. In a child dedication service, the pastor said, “the history of child sacrifice goes back many centuries.”

4. Preaching in a nursing home, the pastor told the residents, “God, I want you to bless each person here at this funeral home.”

5. “Mary washed her hair with Jesus’ feet.”

6. Christmas message speaking about how beautiful the Christmas tree is in his home: “I love sitting in the living room with nothing on but the Christmas tree.”

7. Speaking at a wedding: “Marriage should be endured, not enjoyed.”

8. He meant to say “biopsy”: “Please pray for Mrs. Jones who recently went in for an autopsy.”

9. The pastor meant to say Jesus will wipe away the tears from our faces. “Jesus will wipe away our faces.”

10. Instead of “Jesus eats with sinners,” the pastor said, “Jesus eats sinners.”

 

Super Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

 

At A Job Interview

"What are your strengths?"

"I take matters in my own hands."

"Okay, thank you. We will contact you."

"No, I will contact you."

 

You Know You've Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When...

 

·         You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

·         You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

·         You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

·         You answer the door before people knock.

·         You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

·         You ski uphill.

·         You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House."

·         Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.

·         You name your dog "Valdez."

·         You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

·         You lick your coffeepot clean!

Ice Fishing

A couple Congressmen from warmer climates loved to fish, so they wanted to try ice fishing. They took off up to Canada and found a nice, big frozen lake with a little bait shop nearby where they got all their tackle - including a sturdy ice pick. About an hour later, one of them was back at the shop and bought another ice pick. In another hour the Congressman was back, and said, "We're going to need all the ice picks you got." The bait man said, "Well, OK -- How are you doing out there?" "Not very well at all," said the Congressman. "We don't even have the boat in the water yet."

Dad Joke

The best present to give your grandchild is a broken drum - you can’t beat that!

 

Today’s Thought

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

Friday's Funnies

 Staying Positive

As you get older, you've got to stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

 

I Need A Raise

I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise. My boss asked, "What companies?" Gas, water and electricity.

 

Chicago Cab Driver

On a visit to Chicago, I was eager to visit a posh department store about a dozen blocks from our hotel. My husband obligingly hailed a cab. "The lady wants to go to Neiman Marcus," he told the driver. The cabby looked over his shoulder at us. "And the gentleman?" he asked. "Does he want to go to the bank?"

 

Sermon 

Preacher: "This morning's worship went well, but I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

Preacher's wife: "Well, it sure did taxi long enough."

 

Dinosaur Age

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"  The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."   "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

 

Praying For A Baby Brother

A little boy said he wanted a baby brother. His Dad smiled and suggested he pray for one. The boy prayed earnestly, night after night, but after a couple weeks with no baby brother, he didn't bother to ask anymore. A few months later Dad said Mom was in the hospital and had a surprise. When they got to the room, the little boy saw Mom holding two babies! "Well, what do you think about having twin brothers?" Dad asked. The little boy, in awe, said: "I'm glad I stopped praying when I did!"

 

More Q&A On College

Q: Are student loans a good idea?

A: Student loans are very effective at keeping someone broke long after graduation. The theory behind them is that your child borrows money at a low interest rate and then pays it back after he has earned a degree and is unemployed and living with you.

Q: What is the difference between "in-state tuition" and "out-of-state tuition?"

A: You will want your child to pay "out-of-state tuition."

 

Q: I'd sacrifice everything I have to enable my child to obtain a college degree.

A: Well, that's not going to be enough.

 

Q: Now that my son is in college, it seems like the only value I am to him is that I pay the bills.

A: You see much less of your son now, and when he calls it is very often to ask for more money, so it is understandable that you feel this way. But despite the fact that he doesn't express it, I can assure you, it's not just the money--your son also cares very deeply about the fact that when he comes home to visit you do his laundry.

 

Q: At what age should I start saving to send my kid to college?

A: I'd say 16.

Q: What? Won't my kid be in high school by then?

A: You misunderstand me: I don't mean when your kid is 16, I mean when you are 16. Any later than that and you might as well forget it.

 

Heaven

The Sunday school teacher asked, "How many of you children would like to go to Heaven?"  All raised their hands except little Ronnie. The teacher asked him why not.  "I'm sorry," Ronnie replied. "Mommy told me to come right home after Sunday school."

 

Marry An Actor

An aspiring young actor asked a young lady's father if he could have his daughter's hand in marriage. The father said, "I would never let my daughter marry an actor."  The actor said, "Sir, I think you may change your mind if you see me perform. Won't you at least come and see the play?"  So the father went to see the play, and the next day he called the actor, "You were right. I did change my mind. Go ahead and marry my daughter. You're no actor."

Bad Language

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-color language and was shocked. "Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere!  Where on earth did you learn that?" "I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins," replied Johnny. "Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?" "Oh Miss Rollins, I do," said Johnny. "It means the car won’t start."

 

Dad Joke

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around Earth 24/7. So, they decided to call it a day.

 

Today’s Thought

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week; I'm beginning to think there are people who live here that I haven't met yet.

 

Friday's Funnies

 A Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Buffaloes

Tourist: "Say, look at that big bunch of buffaloes."

Ranch Hand: "Not 'bunch' -- 'herd.'"

Tourist: "Heard what?"

Ranch Hand: "Herd of buffaloes."

Tourist: "Sure, I've heard of buffaloes. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Bonus Buffalo Funny

Some buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen." One buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know...I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Name Warning

On a street, where the speed is limited to 30 mph the police stop a driver. "Not only have you been driving too fast, but you’ve also been passing cars where it is not allowed. Your lights don't work, your tires all completely worn out. This is surely going to cost you a lot. What's your name?" "Schtrathewisizeski Vocgefastilongchinic." "Well, I'll let you go this time but don't do it again."

The Sermon

They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant. An example of this comes one Sunday morning after the preacher had just finished his sermon. He went and sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went. The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground." The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

You Know You’ve Been Drinking Too Much Coffee When

~ You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

~ You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

~ You just completed another sweater... and you don't know how to knit!

~ You answer the door before people knock.

~ You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

~ You ski uphill.

~ You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

~ You lick your coffeepot clean.

Shoe Size

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of shoes, size 8. The obviously well-trained salesman says, "But sir, you take an 11 or eleven-and-a-half." "Just bring me a size eight." The sales guy brings them, and the man stuffs his feet into them and stands up in obvious pain. He turns to the salesman and says, "I've lost my house to the I.R.S., I live with my mother-in-law, my daughter ran off with my best friend, and my business has filed Chapter 7." "The only pleasure I have left is to come home at night and take my shoes off."

Top 10 Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon

10. There's a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today's sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with recliners.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hourglass.

1. The minister says, "You'll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl" and it's September.

Q&A ON COLLEGE

Q: I've always meant to establish a college fund for my son, but now he's 19. Does this make me a bad parent?

A: No, it makes you a typical parent.

Q: Please explain the meaning of college "non-discretionary fees."

A: Take tuition, room, and board and subtract it from your net income. The amount left over is what college will cost you in "non-discretionary fees."

Q: But that leaves no money for food, clothing, and shelter!

A: Having a child in college means giving up such luxuries.

 

Q: What are the steps I should take to obtain a college scholarship for my child?

A: First, be a professional athlete, and second, marry a professional athlete.

 

Q: I'm hoping that my daughter can find employment over the summer to pay at least half of her expenses during the school year. What sort of job would you recommend for this?

A: Neurosurgeon.

Dad Joke

Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I’m not going to spread it.

Today’s Thought

A short nap once in a while can prevent old age... especially while driving.