Friday's Funnies

Punishment

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own color TV, telephone, computer, every computer game and CD player in his room!"  "So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.  "I send him to MY room!"

Job Interview Phrases

Phrase: I'm extremely adept at all manners of office organization.

Meaning: I've used Microsoft Office.

Phrase: I'm honest, hard-working and dependable.
Meaning: I pilfer office supplies.

Phrase: I take pride in my work.
Meaning: I blame others for any mistakes.

Phrase: I'm personable.
Meaning: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

Phrase: I am very adaptable.
Meaning: I've changed jobs a lot.

Phrase: I am on the go.
Meaning: I'm never at my desk.

Phrase: I'm highly motivated to succeed.
Meaning: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

Understanding Your Paycheck

Gross pay:  $1,222.02

Income Tax: $244.40

Outgo Tax: $45.21

State Tax: $61.10

Interstate Tax: $5.89

County Tax: $6.11

City Tax: $12.22

Rural Tax: $4.44

Back Tax: $1.11

Front Tax: $1.16

Side Tax: $1.61

Up Tax: $2.22

Down Tax: $1.11

Tic-Tacs: $1.98

Thumbtacks: $3.93

Carpet Tacks: $.98

Stadium Tax: $.69

Flat Tax: $8.32

Surtax: $3.46

Ma'am Tax: $2.60

Parking Fee: $5.00

No Parking Fee: $10.00

F.I.C.A.: $81.88

T.G.I.F.: $9.95

Life Insurance: $5.85

Health Insurance: $16.23

Disability: $2.50

Ability: $.25

Liability: $3.41

Dental Insurance: $4.50

Mental Insurance: $4.33

Reassurance: $.11

Coffee: $6.85

Coffee Cups: $66.51

Calendar: $3.06

Floor Rental: $16.85

Chair Rental: $.32

Desk Rental: $4.32

Union Dues: $5.85

Union Don'ts: $3.77

Cash Advances: $.69

Cash Retreats: $121.35

Overtime: $1.26

Undertime: $54.83

Eastern Time: $9.00

Central Time: $8.00

Mountain Time: $7.00

Pacific Time: $6.00

GMT: $24.00

Time Out: $12.21

Oxygen: $10.02

Water: $16.54

Electricity: $38.23

Heat: $51.42

Air: $46.83

Miscellaneous: $154.54

Take Home Pay:  $0000.02

(This is where the expression "my 2 cents" came from...)

Today’s Thought

If dogs understood peanut butter cups, they would find it cruel that we took one of their favorite people foods and stuffed it in a shell of poison.

Friday's Funnies

2020 Struggle

I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

Names

Son: Why is my sister's name Paris?

Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris.

Son: Thanks, Dad.

Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

Concerned Neighbor

A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days.  So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Williams is."  A few minutes later, the boy returns.  "Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.  "She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.  "At me? Whatever for?"  "Well," says her son, "Mrs. Williams told me it's none of your business how old she is."

10 Signs You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough

10) You open up your Bible in church and a huge dust cloud rises.

9) You think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob may have had a few hit songs during the 60's.
8) You open to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
7) Your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
6) A small family of woodchucks has taken up residence in the Psalms of your Bible.
5) You become frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the Concordance or the Table of Contents.
4) Catching the kids reading the Song of Solomon, you demand: "Who gave you this stuff?"
3) You think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
2) You keep falling for it every time when Pastor tells you to turn to Second Opinions.
And the number one sign you may not be reading your Bible enough:
1) The kids keep asking too many questions about your usual bedtime story: "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."

Insert Foot In Mouth

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.  "The front row please," she answered.  "You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."  "Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.  "No," he said.  "I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.  "Do you know who I am?" he asked.  "No," she said.  "Good," he answered.

Poison

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."  The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"  The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "I'm sure you're wrong."  The man pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me. What should I do?"  The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what, let me talk to her. I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."  A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"  The man anxiously says, "Yes, please."  "OK. Take the poison," says the Rabbi. 

Murphy’s Technology Laws

~ Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

~ All's well that ends.

~ A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

~ New systems generate new problems.

~ The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

~ The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

~ To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

~ After all is said and done, a lot more is said than done.

~ Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

~ If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

~ Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

~ Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

Just You Wait 

Our five-year-old grandson, Jimmy, launched himself off the end of neighbor's porch. This resulted in a split forehead, a fractured left arm and bruises on his stomach and both of his knees. After returning from the hospital emergency room, his mom asked him what he had learned about jumping off porches. "I can't do it again," Jimmy replied, "until the cast comes off."

Pithy Ponderations

·         I keep adjusting the brightness control on my TV but it's still as stupid as ever.

·         Did you know that 97% of the world is dumb? Luckily, I'm in the other 5%!

·         Statistically speaking, six out of seven dwarfs aren't Happy.

·         Alarm clocks are maybe the only device that make you mad in both scenarios, whether they work or not.

·         A father is a guy who has photos in his wallet where his money used to be.

·         How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole boxful to start a campfire?

·         Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Pull Over!

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting! The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the woman yelled back, "Cardigan!"

Today’s Thought

Sleeping late is considered lazy, but waking up early and taking an afternoon nap is fine.

Friday's Funnies

The Ancient Castle

 

A group of American tourists were being guided through an ancient castle in Europe.  "This place," the guide told them, "is 600 years old. Not a stone in it has been touched, nothing altered, nothing replaced in all those years."  "Wow," said one woman dryly, "they must have the same landlord I do."

 

Door Sign

 

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I am locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."  The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting. But tell me, what does the sign on the door say?"  The guy replies, "It says, 'Pull.'"

 

Classified Ads in U.K. Newspapers

 

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

 

FREE PUPPIES.

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

 

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .

Worn once by mistake.

Call Michelle.

 

FOR  SALE BY OWNER.

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

 

Window Seat

 

At the airport check-in counter, I overheard a woman ask for window seats for both she and her husband.  The clerk pointed out that this would prevent them for sitting together.  "Sweetie," the woman replied, "I've just spent 10 days of quality time in a compact rental car with this man. I KNOW what I'm requesting!"

 

Children Are Quick

 

TEACHER: Why are you late?

STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN:K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.

 

TEACHER:  Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher.

 

Special 'Southernisms'

Well....Bless my grits and fry my tomatoes!

Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them--You pitch a hissie fit, and throw a conniption fit.

Only a true Southerner knows how many fish are in "a mess."

Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.

A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues," we stand in "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her little heart...!" and go on your way.

Today’s Thought

Alarm clocks are maybe the only device that make you mad in both scenarios, whether they work or not.

Friday's Funnies

July 4th Quiz

What protest by a group of dogs occurred in 1773?

The Boston Flea Party!

Where did George Washington buy his hatchet?

At the chopping mall!

Why did Paul Revere ride his horse from Boston to Lexington?

Because the horse was too heavy to carry!

Did you hear the one about the Liberty Bell?

Yeah, it cracked me up!

What was Thomas Jefferson’s favorite dessert?

Monti jello!

What did King George think of the American colonists?

He thought they were revolting!

What kind of tea did the American colonists thirst for?

LiberTEA!

Which colonists told the most jokes?

Punsylvanians!

No 4^th of July?

Someone told me they don't have the 4th of July in other countries. Seems strange to skip from the 3rd to the 5th, but whatever.

Patriotism

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."  One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

Independence

Brenda had been stressing the importance of independence to her granddaughter, Shila, 7, while they were waiting for the 4th of July fireworks to begin. She felt she had made her point until Shila thoughtfully said, "You know Nana, you can live without your independence. Amber's doctor took out her independence and she's still living."

On The Clock

A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?" The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars." "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive, isn't it?" "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

Uber Driver

 The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.  For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, "Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"  The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.  The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 15 years."

Remembering

A salesclerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the lower prices "in the good old days." His response: "Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think they were old enough to remember them."

High Tech Swatter

A piano tuner was at a customer's house recently when he asked if he could borrow a newspaper. "This is the 21st century," she said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad." As the piano tuner later recalled, "I can tell you this. That fly never knew what hit him."

Middle Age

Middle age is just walking around all day muttering things like...

• "What was I going to say?"
• "What did I come in here for?"
• "Did I already take my pill?"
• "How did I get this bruise?"
• "Why am I sore?"
• "Where did I leave my phone?"
• "Who moved my water glass?"
• "Did the dryer shrink these pants?"
• "That's it. Diet starts tomorrow."

Number of States

Old Mr. Smith, the school's principal, made it a practice to visit the classrooms one day a week.  He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names. Mr. Smith jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Yes sir, but in those days there were only 13 states."

Today’s Thought

What was the most popular dance in 1776? IndepenDANCE