Friday's Funnies

Classroom Talk

As you know, kids say the funniest things.  Yesterday, a sweet little nugget said, "Mrs. Hall, your eyes sparkle like glitter." And I thought, well, this boy already knows his way to a women's heart.  Today, as I was giving directions to the class about a quiz we were about to take and where to turn it in. I asked if there were any questions. A different little nugget raised his hand and asked, "Mrs. Hall, did you know that your arm jiggled when you moved it like that?"  Obviously, this little boy will be alone forever.

Funny Numbers

Joe started a new job in an office full of cubicles. On his first day he heard someone yell out the number "36," and everyone just burst out laughing. He thought that was kind of strange. Then someone yelled out, "84," and again everyone started to laugh. This went on for quite some time.  Finally, Joe asked a co-worker what the number calling was all about. The co-worker replied, "We are so busy that we have a book of jokes that everyone has memorized, and to save time we just yell out the number."  That night Joy went home and memorized the whole book. The next day while at work he yelled out, "29," and everyone just looked at him strangely. So, he just went back to work.  Someone else yelled out the number, "67," and everyone just laughed hysterically. So, Joe yelled out, "95," and again everyone just looked at him strangely, so he put his head down and went back to work.  Later that day at lunch, he asked the co-worker, "Why didn't anybody laugh when I yelled out a number?"  The co-worker replied, "Well, you know how it is. Some people can tell a joke, and some people just can't."

Pastor Ouch

A retiring pastor was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, "Your successor won't be as good as you."  "Nonsense," said the pastor, in a flattered tone.  "No, really," said the old lady, "I've been here under five different ministers, and each one has been worse than the last."

Philosophy Of Ambiguity And The Idiosyncrasies Of The English Language

-one tequila, two tequila, three tequila...... floor.

-atheism is a non-prophet organization.

-if man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-what if there were no hypothetical questions?

-if someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

-is there another word for synonym?

-where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

-if a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

-would a fly without wings be called a walk?

-why do they lock gas station toilets? are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them?

-if a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

-can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

-what was the best thing before sliced bread?

-one nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

-how is it possible to have a civil war?

-if one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

-if you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

-if you try to fail but succeed, which have you done?

-whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

-why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

-can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

Sports Pun

Q: Why is Cinderella such a bad baseball player?
A: Because she has a pumpkin for a coach, and she ran away from the ball.

More Caffeine Needed

I pulled up to the drive-thru of a fast-food restaurant and ordered coffee. I asked the clerk to put some ice cubes into the cup so that I could drink the cool coffee quickly. At the window, there was a delay. Finally, a teen-aged girl came to the window looking frustrated. "I'm having a problem," she announced. "The ice keeps melting."

Sunday School Teacher Reports

~ With your eyes closed for prayer, anything can happen in a room full of preschoolers.

~ Prayer requests reveal a lot about parents.

~ Cheap glue adheres to skin.

~ Kool Aid and song motions do not mix.

~ Girls are superior to boys.

~ There IS a doggie Heaven.

~ Parachute games should not be used in a room with a chandelier.

~ Church maintenance men do not have a sense of humor.

~ Animal crackers can be sneezed out the nose.

~ There are good reasons why pastor's kids have a bad reputation.

Short ones

-        Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

-        What did the air-head say about Cheerios? "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"

Today’s Thought

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.

Friday's Funnies

New Year’s Resolutions

2016: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2017: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2018: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2019: I will work out 3 days a week.

2020: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Physical Fitness Class

During my physical fitness class, I had everyone lie on their backs with their legs up as if pedaling a bike. After several minutes, one man suddenly stopped.  "Why did you stop pedaling?" I shouted.  "I didn't stop," he said, wheezing. "I'm coasting."

Niagara Falls

A New Yorker noticed a guy in a cowboy hat and boots standing and staring at Niagara Falls. Figuring he must be a Texan he walks up beside him and says, "I bet you don't have anything like that in Texas do ya?"  The Texan replied, "No sir, we don't. But, we have a plumber in Waxahachie that can fix it!"

Just Catching Up

Cop:  You know how fast you were going?
Guy:  Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.
Cop:  What traffic? The road is empty.
Guy:  Yea, that's how far behind I am.

Call The Vet

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?" "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Sunday School Answer

One Sunday a minister preached about shepherds. He explained that sheep need lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job is to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals, and keep them from wandering off. He said that the people of the church were God's sheep. Then he asked, "If you are the sheep, who is the shepherd?" (He was pretty obviously indicating himself.) After a few seconds, a young boy piped up: "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd." The minister, caught by surprise, asked, "Well, then, who am I?" The boy frowned thoughtfully. "I guess you must be a sheep dog."

The Cure

A man came into the pharmacy and said to the pharmacist, "Do you have anything that will stop hiccups?" The pharmacist leaned over the counter and slapped the man's face. The man said "What did you do that for?" The pharmacist replied, "Well, you don't have any hiccups now, do you?" The man replied, "I never did. I came in for my wife who is out in the car."

Parting Thought

I was told that 70% of the population is stupid. I'm obviously with the other 40%.

Church

Leaving church one Sunday, a woman said to her husband, "Do you think that Flanagan girl is dyeing her hair?" "I didn't even see her," replied the husband. "And that skirt Mrs. Jones was wearing," continued the wife. "Don't tell me you thought that was appropriate attire for a mother of four??" "I'm afraid I didn't notice that either," said the husband. "Huh!" scoffed the wife. "A lot of good it does bringing YOU to church."

New Year’s Resolutions You Can Keep

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Watch more TV and Netflix. I've been missing some good stuff.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work and on social media.

~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.

~ Stop bringing lunch from home - eat out more.

~ Don't have eight children at once.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Start being superstitious.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Don't believe politicians.

~ Break at least one traffic law.

~ Don't drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

~ Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Wait for opportunity to knock.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Never make New Year's resolutions again.

Today’s Thoughts

My New Year's resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.

I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.