Friday's Funnies

Eating Healthy

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Well, really just one big round crouton, covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

Making The Best Of It

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him a job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" "$101,237.64." The boss' jaw drops. "$101,237.64?! What in the world did you sell?" "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat. We went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came in here to buy a housewarming gift for his in-laws. I told him his week-end's shot, so he might as well go fishing."

Very Unimportant Facts, Part 1

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop" with your right.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter of the alphabet.

The words 'racecar,' 'kayak' and 'level' are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).

There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

Dinner Reservations

On vacation in Hawaii, my mother called a cafe to make reservations for 7:00 pm.  Checking her book, the cheery hostess said, "I'm sorry, but all we have is 6:45 pm. Would you like that?"  "That's fine," Mom replied.  "Okay," the hostess confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised that you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

Referrals

When our local doctor began attending church services, the minister was delighted, and it wasn't long before they were helping each other in their work, the minister referring people to the doctor, and vice versa.  One referral from the doctor called at the church office with a note prescribing the minister's last four sermons. The minister was most pleased until he discovered that the patient's problem was insomnia.

Stimulating Summer Stumpers

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
   Answer: Johnny, of course.
2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
   Answer: Meat.
3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
   Answer: Mt. Everest.
4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
   Answer: None. There is no dirt in a hole.
5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
   Answer: Incorrectly.
6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
   Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.
7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
   Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.
8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
   Answer: You would be in 2nd.
9. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
   Answer: Neither; the yolk of the egg is yellow.
10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
    Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

Today’s Thought

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Friday's Funnies

Fourth of July

The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.  "We live in a great country," she announced. "One of the things we should be happy about is, in this country we are all free."  Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, "I'm not free. I'm four!"

Two Conversations

Here are two versions of the same conversation.

Female version:
Woman 1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 1: Oh my, no! It's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Male version:
Man 1: Haircut?
Man 2: Yep.

Planning Ahead

Parent #1: "My kid's a senior; in May, he'll be an engineer. What's your kid going to be when he gets out of college?"
Parent #2: "At the rate he's going? About thirty."

Accounts Payable

Two guys sat down for lunch in the office cafeteria. "Hey, whatever happened to Pete in payroll?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his co-worker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took an engine from a Pontiac, tires from a Chevy, seats from a Lincoln, hubcaps from Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life."

Truth Or Consequences

After eight days of backpacking with my wife Linda, we were looking pretty scruffy. One morning she came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles. "Terry," she said, "does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?" I thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

Ancient Japanese Philosophy

Man who runs in front of car gets tired.

Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who drives the car just laughs at them both.

Help Wanted Ad

Found in an actual church bulletin - Positions Open: Openings for soprano, alto, tenor and bass. No others need apply.

Physical Qualifications: Must be able to carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have sufficient vision to see the director.

Experience: No applications will be accepted from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or shower at some time.

Beginning Wage: Increased satisfaction and joy in the service of God.

Fringe Benefits: Social Security. We promise you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.

Hours: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM & Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.

Retirement: Generally determined by the printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high, the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the notes you sing.

We are an equal opportunity employer!

What's In A Name?

While visiting my son on his Army base, I chatted with a colleague of his. "What rank are you?" I asked. "I'm relieved to say that I've just been promoted from captain to major." "Relieved? Why?" "Because," he replied, "my last name is Hook."

Lawyer or Doctor

A lawyer was talking to his teenage son about his future career. "Why do you want to be a doctor instead of a lawyer?" he asked. "What’s wrong with lawyers?"  "Well, Dad," explained the boy, "I really want to help people. And when was the last time you heard anybody stand up in a crowd and shout frantically, 'Is there a lawyer in the house?'"

Today’s Thought

She wouldn't try so hard to conceal her age if her husband would act his.