Friday's Funnies

Sewing

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew. After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, "You mean you can do all that, but you can't operate my Game Boy?"

Directions

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, "What is the quickest way to the lake?"  The local thought for a while. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the tourist.   "I'm driving."  "That’s the quickest way."

Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why do they call him Donkey Kong if he is not a donkey?

2. Why do they say a football team is the 'world champion' when they don't play anybody outside the US?

3. If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

4. What are the handles for corn on the cob called?

5. Why do British people never sound British when they sing?

6. Why do we press the start button to turn off the computer?

7. Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?

8. If K.F.C Stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken, why do they play sweet home Alabama on the commercials?

9. Does a 'Marks-A-Lot' marker, mark any more than a regular marker?

10. If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

11. How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

12. Do movie producers still say lights, camera, and action when it is a dark scene?

13. What do you call male ballerinas?

Incredulous

Nancy's nephew was just four when she was pregnant with her first kid. She allowed him to place his hand on her belly and feel the baby kick. His little face scrunched and said, "How does the baby get out of there?" She wanted to keep it simple so she said, "The doctor will help." His eyes widened in amazement as he exclaimed, "You've got a doctor in there, too?"

Grammar Lesson

In a grammar lesson in eighth grade Mrs. O'Neill said, "Paul, give me a sentence with a direct object."  Paul replied, "Everyone thinks you are the best teacher in the school."  "Thank you, Paul," responded Mrs. O'Neill, "but what is the object?"  "To get the best mark possible," said Paul.

If I Were A Bear

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them, too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.  Yup…… Now you see my point of why I want to be a bear. 

Top Ten Signs The Ushers At Your Church Have Gone Through Customer Service Training

10. Now giving out pagers to alert you when a pew becomes available

9. No more "spiritual profiling" of visitors

8. Offering wider variety of communion wafer toppings

7. Turns the Taser voltage WAY down now when zapping someone sleeping during sermon

6. Will wipe down pew seat for you and not expect a tip

5. Goo-Goo Gaa-Gaa Squad created for crying-baby-crisis

4. Quick-response Communion Cup Disinfection Team for slobberers

3. During lulls in worship service, pushes service cart down aisle, offering beverages and peanuts

2. No longer singing parody lyrics under their breath to praise and worship songs

1. Two words: Pew massages

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

At A Murder Trial In Oklahoma

Scene: A courtroom in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.  There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.  In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick.  "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.  The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens.  Finally, the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."  The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.  "But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."  Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

Today’s Thoughts

Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

and

Why is the letter "W" in English pronounced "double-U"? Shouldn't it be called "double-V"?

Friday's Funnies

Tax Collector

Tax collector: It is your duty as a citizen to pay taxes, and we expect you to pay them with a smile.  Taxpayer (grinning widely): Wonderful! I thought you expected me to pay them with cash!

Dry Wit

A minister introduced a number of improvements in his church, including hot air dryers in the wash rooms. He had them removed after two weeks because someone had stuck a notice on one of them which read "For details of last week's sermon, please press here."

Ponderations

·        The kindergarten was learning the letters of the alphabet. "What comes after 'T'?" the teacher asked. John quickly replied, "V."

·        In light of the economic crisis, my family is extending the 5-second rule for dropped food to 10 seconds, especially in the case of blueberries.

·        A woman stopped to talk to the small girl who was making mud pies on the sidewalk. "My word," she exclaimed, "you are pretty dirty, aren't you, my little girl?" "Yes, ma'am," the girl replied, "but I am prettier clean."

·        My friend got 8 out 10 on her driver's test. The other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

The Tat

When my brother-in-law was on leave from national service, he brought home a heavily tattooed friend. We all sat down to Sunday lunch, and my four-year-old nephew couldn't take his eyes off the man's colorful arms. Curiosity finally got the better off him. Politely, he asked the visitor, "Didn't your mother give you paper to write on?"

True Confession

Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question "Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?" he looked up at me with a worried expression. "Well," he confessed, "I do own a Toyota." We enlisted him the next day.

Things You Never Hear in Church

"Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew!"

"I was so enthralled, I never even noticed your sermon went 25 minutes overtime."

"I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I've been sending to TV preachers."

"I'll volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class."

"Forget the denominational minimum salary. Let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do!"

"I love it when we sing worship songs I've never heard before."

"Since we're all here, let's start the service early!"

"Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas."

Jury Selection

An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.  One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.  He was asked, "Property holder?"  Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."  Then he was asked, "Married or single?"  Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."  Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"  Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Changing Technology

We often have daycare groups come to visit our library for story time. After reading one such group a story, I gave each of the children a bookmark as a memento of their visit. But one little boy, who was more used to technological gadgets than old- fashioned tools, wondered how to use his bookmark. So I demonstrated how to place it between two pages, then closed the book. "When you start reading again, voila!" I said, holding the book as it opened to my bookmarked page. "Wow!" he said. "That's cool!"

Palm Sunday Visitor

It was Palm Sunday. But because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Johnny asked them what they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by," his father told him. "Wouldn't you know it," Johnny fumed, "the one Sunday I don't go and He shows up."

Getting Out of Jury Duty

Judge:  Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Prospective Juror:  I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge:  Can't they do without you at work?
Prospective Juror:  Yes, but I don't want them to know it.

Housekeeping — Or Not

I don't do windows because... I love birds and don't want one to fly into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because... I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because... I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because... I don't want to get in God's way, he is an excellent designer.

I don't put things away because... My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."

Today’s Thought

If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When,, you get the answer to each of them.

Friday's Funnies

Oh No!

Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins".  "That's funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets".  The third man shouted, "Oh no, I have to rush home!"  When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!

Former Classmate

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name.  Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 30-odd years ago.  Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man was way too old to have been my classmate.  After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Northmont high school.  "Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a thunderbolt," he said gleaming with pride.  "When did you graduate?" I asked.  He answered, "in 1975. Why do you ask?"  "You were in my class!", I exclaimed.  He looked at me closely, then, the ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, decrepit idiot asked, "What did you teach?"

Ticket

A driver tucked this note under the windshield wiper of his automobile. "I've circled the block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park here I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."  When he came back he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled the block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Italian Chef

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died:  He pasta way.  We cannoli do so much. His legacy will become a pizza history.  Here today, gone tomato.  How sad that he ran out of thyme.  Sending olive my prayers to the family.  His wife is really upset. Cheese still not over it.  You never sausage a tragic thing.  Ashes to ashes, crust to crust…

Phone Solicitors

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers:

"I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."

In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

"You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

Another response to rug cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone on the table until he/she hangs up.)

Doctors

I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged. "So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.  "I can't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"

Won't Cook

I put a roast in the oven one noon hour and set the timer, a feature I hadn't used yet. Before leaving work that afternoon, I phoned my 14-year-old son to ask him to check the roast and peel some potatoes. Minutes later he called back. "Mom, the roast isn't cooked. The oven didn't come on."  The roast was on the menu again the following day, but this time, since I stopped by the house after a business lunch, I decided to turn the oven on myself. Again, before leaving work, I called my son to check the roast and get the potatoes started. Again, he called me back. "The roast still isn't cooked."  "Listen," I said. "I know the oven's on. I turned it on before I left. I didn't use the timer."  "Oh, the stove's working fine," he told me. "It's just that the roast is still in the refrigerator."

Airhead

An airhead standing by the river sees another airhead on the opposite bank.

Airhead #1: "Yoo-hoo!  Hello over there!  How can I get to the other side of the river?"

Airhead #2: "Stop it -- you ARE on the other side."

The Chinese Doctor & The Lawyer

A Chinese Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital in the US, so he opens his own clinic and puts a sign outside 'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.'

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my sense of taste.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth.'

Lawyer: 'Ugh. This is kerosene.'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20.'

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: 'I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything.'

Chinese: 'Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth.'

Lawyer (annoyed): 'This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste.'

Chinese: 'Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20.'

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: 'My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all.'

Chinese: 'Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100.'

Lawyer (staring at the note): 'But this is $20, not $100!!'

Chinese: 'Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20'

Today’s Thought

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.