Friday's Funnies

Christmas Thoughts

·        Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa card statement twelve months a year also.  

·        A pastor asked his Bible class, "Why was Jesus born in Bethlehem?" A young student replied, "Because his mother was there."  

·        Three phrases that have come to sum up Christmas (for better or worse) are: "Peace on Earth," "Goodwill to Men" and "Batteries Not Included."  

·        "Where did I say that you should buy so much stuff to celebrate My birthday!?"

Shepherds

The Sunday School teacher looked at the little boy's drawing of a manger scene. A large dog was among the animals.  The teacher looked puzzled.  "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Christmas Stamps

A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.  Clerk: What denomination do you want?  Woman: Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this? Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones.

Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping

A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The husband wandered off as she was standing in line, saying something about being back in a little bit.  After getting through the line, the husband wasn't back yet and since they still had more shopping to do, the wife called him on the mobile. The wife said, "Where are you?"  He said, " You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you."  Tears started to flow down her cheeks and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.  "I'm in the pub next to that."

Noel

My son, a kindergartener learning to read, was enjoying the Christmas lights as we drove around checking out the beautiful decorations. Noticing one display in a yard, he promptly spelled out the letters, "N-O-E-L" and asked what word it was. "Noel," I matter-of-factly replied. Back came an exasperated reply, "But, Mom, if there's no 'L,' then what does it spell?"

Santa

Eventually a child begins having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day this happened:

Child: "Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy."

Mother, with dread: "What is that?"

Child: "They're all nocturnal."

Christmas Presents

When my son, Terrence, was four years old, he piqued everyone's interest when he placed a childishly wrapped package under the tree for each family member. On Christmas morning, Terrence looked on with joy and expectation as we opened his gifts. There were exclamations of "I thought I'd lost that!" and "So that's where that went!" When we asked Terrence why he had wrapped our favorite items, he replied, "Because I knew it was something you would really want!"

The Omission

After turning ninety, Marie found that shopping for Christmas gifts had become too difficult, so she decided to send checks to everyone instead. She wrote "Buy your own present" on each card and mailed them early. Marie enjoyed the usual flurry to family festivities. Only after Christmas did she get around to clearing off her cluttered desk. There, under a stack of papers, she was horrified to find the gift checks, which she had forgotten to enclose with her cards.

The Contestant

The game show contestant was only 200 points behind the leader and was about to answer the final question, worth 500 points! "To be today's champion," the show's smiling host said, "name two of Santa's reindeer." The contestant gave a sigh of relief, gratified that he had drawn such an easy question. "Rudolph!" he said confidently, "and...Olive!" The confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain 'Olive'?" "You know," the man said, and began to sing: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glows. 'Olive,' the other reindeer..."

The Christmas Kiss

Shortly before Christmas, a business man was anxious to get home. The business trip had been grueling and he was not in a particularly good mood. The airport loudspeakers blared Christmas carols he was tired of hearing. He thought their decorations were tacky. The worst decoration, he thought, was the plastic mistletoe hung over the luggage scale. Being in a grumpy mood, he said to the woman at the counter, "You know, even if I weren't married, I wouldn't kiss you." "That's not what it's there for," said the attendant. "It's so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Cats' Favorite Christmas Songs

1. Up on the Mousetop
2. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
3. Joy to the Curled
4. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
5. The First Meow
6. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
7. Silent Mice
8. Fluffy, the Snowman
9. Jingle Balls
10. Wreck the Halls

Today’s Thought

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift," but couldn't people think a bit bigger?! 

Friday's Funnies

Stranded

Everyone on a passenger ship could see a bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands.  "Who is that man?" a passenger asked the ship's captain. "Why is he so upset?"  "I have no idea," the Captain replied, "but, every year when we pass by here, he goes crazy."

Fishing on the Job

My son, Scott, an insurance broker in Florida, loves ocean fishing and takes his cell phone along on the boat. One morning, we were drifting about ten miles offshore as Scott discussed business on the phone.  Suddenly, his rod bent double and the reel screamed as line poured off the spool. Scott was master of the situation.  "Pardon me," he told his customer calmly. "I have a call on another line."

Threatening Letters

The fellow stormed into the postmaster's office in a fury. "I've been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped."  "Of course," said the postmaster. "Sending threatening letters through the mail is a federal offense. Do you know who's sending them?"  "Yes," shouted the man. "It's those idiots down at the Internal Revenue Service."

It's Gone

The bride was anything but a tidy housekeeper. It didn't bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: "Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written in it."

How to Clean the House

1.            Open a new file in your computer.

2.            Name it "Housework."

3.            Save and then send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4.            Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5.            Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"

6.            Calmly answer, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.

Feel better?

Loan Repayment

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.  While one of the robbers takes the money from the tellers, the other lines the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceeds to take their wallets, watches, etc.  While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?"  To which the first lawyer replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."

Parking Space

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine."  Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.  The woman looked up to heaven and said, "Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own."

Another Airhead Joke

Two airheads in California are sitting outside on a cool, clear evening, looking at the moon and talking.  One asks: "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"  The other replies (with eye-roll): "Hellooooooooooo! Can you see Florida from here??"

You’re From A Small Town When:

~ You can name everyone you graduated with.

~ You know what each H in 4-H stands for.

~ You give directions by references: "Turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks past Anderson's,  and it's four houses left of the track field."

~ You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

~ The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty," but is actually just like your town.

~ Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

~ You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

~ The city council meets at the coffee shop.

~ You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

~ Your teacher calls you by your older sibling's name.

~ Even the ugly people enter beauty pageants.

The Dog

"Dad, I think the Smiths next door are angry at us."

"Why is that?”

"They're probably mad because our dog can retrieve the newspaper, and theirs can't.”

"How could you possibly know that? We don't even subscribe to the paper.”

"Yeah, that's probably got something to do with it, too.”

Today’s Thought

I married Mr. Right. I just didn't know his first name was "Always."

Friday's Funnies

Happy Thanksgiving!

May your dressing be tasty, may your turkey be plump

May your potatoes and gravy have never a lump

May your yams be delicious, and your pies take the prize

And may your Thanksgiving dinner, stay off your thighs!

Thanksgiving Riddles

Q: What sort of glass would you serve cream of turkey soup in?
A: A goblet.

Q: I have some relatives with Mohawk haircuts, multiple facial piercings, and multitudinous tattoos. What should I serve them at Thanksgiving?
A: Punk kin pie.

Q: My neighbor served a bird that was infected with salmonella and that she had failed to cook thoroughly. With what did all her guests suffer the next day?
A: The turkey trots.

Q: Am I serving a sweet potato casserole this year?
A: I yam.

Q: Why did the first settlers have so much trouble harvesting their corn?
A: They had to make their way through the maize.

Redneck Thanksgiving

You might be a redneck if...

~ You've ever had Thanksgiving dinner on a ping pong table.

~ Thanksgiving dinner is squirrel and dumplings.

~ You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

~ Your turkey platter is an old hub cap.

~ Your best dishes have Dixie printed on them.

~ Your stuffing's secret ingredient comes from the bait shop.

~ Your only condiment on the dining room table is ketchup.

~ Side dishes include beef jerky and Moon Pies.

~ You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

~ You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

~ You have an Elvis jello mold.

~ You serve Vienna sausage as an appetizer.

Thanksgiving Weather

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 165F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

Things To Do To Liven Up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner

10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
  9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
  8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
  7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
  6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
  5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
  4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
  3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
  2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
  1. You're sweating gravy.

Today’s Thought

Thanksgiving is great because people tend to speak less when food is lodged in their mouths.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Friday's Funnies

Technology

A family from the hills of Kentucky was visiting the big city for the first time.  They stayed in a high-rise hotel with a big brass elevator right off of the lobby. The mother and daughter stared at it in amazement, wondering what it was. After staring at it in awe for a few minutes the girl looked up at her mom, "Ma, what do you reckon that there thing is?" she asked.  "I don't rightly know, girl," the mother replied.   Just then an old, frumpy man in a robe with messy hair walks up, steps in the elevator and the doors shut behind him. After about 30 seconds the doors opened again and a handsome, muscular young man in tight work-out clothes comes out.  The mother leans over to her daughter and says, "Girl, go and get your Pa!"

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"  The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.  As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."  "Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

One Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."  The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."  The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."  The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Comebacks To Unsolicited Sales Callers

Here are some suggested comebacks to unsolicited, persistent telephone sales callers:

~ "I'm sorry, but I'm really busy right now. Give me your home number and I'll call you back later tonight."

~ In the middle of the caller's memorized sales pitch, interrupt with: "What causes a hiccup?"

~ "Shhh. Wait a minute. I'm here robbing the house. Whoa! I think the owners just got home. Can you hold?"

~ When someone asks whether a spouse is at home: "Yes, but I never allow him/her to talk to strangers."

~ When someone asks how you are: "Well, I'm having an existential crisis at the moment. Let me explain . . ."

~ "You want to sell me insurance? I've been trying to get insurance for years, but nobody will sell me any!"

~ Another response to rug-cleaners or any person offering home services: (Break into tears and say) "Is this some kind of joke? My house burned down last night! We lost everything!"

~ To a phone company solicitor: "That sounds GREAT! Wait, can you hold for a minute?" (Leave the phone off the hook until he/she hangs up.)

~ Use your touch-tone phone to annoy the caller by playing "Mary Had a Little Lamb":
6-5-4-5
6-6-6
5-5-5
6-6-6.
6-5-4-5
6-6-6-6
5-5-6-5
4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4-4

Dating Again

After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them.  Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me."

Accident

A lady had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.   "My goodness!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you okay, ma'am?"  "Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine," the lady chirped.  "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.  "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the lady began. "I was driving along this road when I started to doze off. When I woke up this tree from out of nowhere pops up in front of me.  So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree!  I swerved to the right and there was another tree!  I swerved to the left and there was...." "Uh, ma'am," the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth on your rear view mirror."

Today’s Thought

Exactly how do you get off a non-stop flight? 

Friday's Funnies

Google's Pizza

- Hello! Gordon's pizza?

- No sir it's Google's pizza.

- So it's a wrong number? Sorry

- No sir, Google bought it.

- OK. Take my order please

- Well sir, you want the usual?

- The usual? You know me?

- According to our caller ID data sheet, in the last 12 times, you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust.

- OK! This is it ...

- May I suggest to you this time ricotta, arugula with dry tomato?

- What? I hate vegetables.

- Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

- How do you know?

- We crossed the number of your fixed line with your name, through the subscriber’s guide.

We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

- Okay, but I do not want this pizza! I already take medicine ...

-Excuse me, but you have not taken the medicine regularly, from our commercial database, 4 months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 cholesterol tablets at Drugsale Network.

- I bought more from another drugstore.

- It's not showing on your credit card statement

- I paid in cash

- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement

- I have other sources of cash

- This is not showing as per you last Tax form unless you bought them from undeclared income source.

-WHAT??

- I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the intention of helping you.

- Enough! I'm sick of google, facebook, twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone line and no one to watch me or spy on me

- I understand sir but you need to renew your passport first as it has expired 5 weeks ago.

Longevity

A 106-year-old cowboy in Texas recently passed away. He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity and he said that for the past 50 years he has sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.  He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

Off Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance, she leaned over and pushed me.

Calling In

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not THAT sick!"

Breakfast

"If you'll make the toast and pour the juice, sweetheart," said Sue, the newlywed bride, "breakfast will be ready." "Good, what are we having for breakfast," said Dewey, the new husband. She replied, "Toast and juice."

The Dancer

A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One guest was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding, the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, "That man is such a talented dancer, that I would pay him a hundred dollars to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!" When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, "Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred dollars you could step on that rake again?"

Oops

I was having trouble with the idea of turning 30 and was oversensitive to any signs of advancing age. When I found a prominent gray hair in my bangs, I pointed to my forehead. "Have you seen this?" I indignantly asked my husband. "What?" he asked. "The wrinkles?"

How Tired Are You?

·        You're so tired you now answer the phone, "Good-bye."

·        Your friends call to ask how you've been and you immediately scream, "Too busy to talk!" and hang up.

·        You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to eat.

·        Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

·        You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

·        You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your cell phone will go off before your alarm does.

Smarty

A truck driver is driving along on the freeway.  A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.   The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"  The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Today’s Thought

Birds have bills, too, and they keep on singing. 

Friday's Funnies

How Dare they

When John returned to the house one evening, his wife announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.  "Yeah," said John very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."  "You're absolutely right it wasn't," she said. "And they were the two best towels we had .... you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel?!"

Support

The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"  The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no, I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you are going to have to fend for yourselves."

Reliable Grandmas

If a mom says, "no," ask Grandma. If Grandma says "no," then... Wait, who are we kidding? Grandma never says, "No!"

Problem Solved

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you." Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Einstein

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.  "I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."  Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"  When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.  Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.  Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."

Glossary of Medical Terms (Down-Home Version)

Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What doctors do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of pay for working at night, normally more money than dayrates

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

What It Wasn't

A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had. I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone. "Fine," I said. "I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?" "It wasn't a girl," came the reply.

Shorts

-        Trying to write with a broken pencil is pointless.

-        What is the favorite month of lumberjacks? SepTIIIIMMBBEERRRR!!!!

-        The trouble with Sunday drivers is, they don't drive any better during the week.

Hiding Out

A man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?" The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Wisdom For Long Life

-        Don't throw a brick straight up.

-        Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through them.

-        Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.

-        If you're on a ball field and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.

-        No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.

-        When sticking thumb tacks into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Today’s Thought

Have a GREAT DAY . . . unless you have other plans.

Friday's Funnies

The Password Is

I was in a couple's home trying to fix their Internet connection. The husband called out to his wife in the other room for the computer password. "Start with a capital S, then 123," she shouted back.  We tried S123 several times, but it didn't work. So, we called the wife in. As she input the password, she muttered, "I really don't know what's so difficult about typing Start123."

Lazy Worker

A construction site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.  "I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."  Nine hands went up.  "Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the 10th man.  "Too much trouble," he responded.

Dogs and Cats

Dogs and cats are better than kids because they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

Stingy Miser

A stingy miser worked hard all of his life and made a lot of money.  He loved that money more than just about anything and rarely spent a dime.  On his deathbed, he said to his wife, "Promise me that you'll put all my money in the casket with me. I want to take it all to the afterlife with me. Promise!"  His wife promised him, with all of her heart, that she would indeed put all his money in the casket with him.  So then he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife sitting there in black, with her best friend beside her. After the ceremony, the wife slipped a box into the casket just before it was closed.  The wife's friend clutched her by the sleeve and hissed, "Tell me you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man!"  The wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't break a solemn promise. I promised to put his money in the casket with him."  "You mean to tell me you actually put all his money in there?"  "I sure did," said the dutiful wife. "I wrote him a check for the full amount."

Smarty

"This little computer," said the sales clerk, "will do half of your job for you."  Studying the machine, the senior VP said, "Fine. I'll take two."

Another Blonde Joke

A flight was on its way to Los Angeles when one of its pilots came and said, "I'm sorry to inform you that one of the flight's engines has stopped functioning. This is no cause for concern because we have three more engines. However, the flight will just be delayed by an hour".  Shortly afterwards, the pilot reappears and says, "I'm terribly sorry, but a second engine on this plane has stopped functioning. There is no danger; this plane can fly quite normally on two engines. However, the flight will now be delayed for two hours."  After about twenty minutes, the pilot comes and says, "I'm afraid that the third engine has stopped functioning as well, but we have one more engine functioning well. The flight will just be delayed for a couple of hours more."  A blonde passenger at the back of the flight turns to another passenger and says angrily, "I hope that last engine doesn't stop functioning! We'll be stuck here all day!"

New Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress.  He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.  As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion.  By this time he had learned just the right things to say.  "It's perfect!" he exclaimed.  "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips."  Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out.  "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

You Know You Have A Big Dog When...

·    -   The sound of running water makes you jump up and yell, "OUTSIDE!"

·    -   You tell your dog to sit, and he backs up until he finds a chair.

·    -    It takes 3 people to get your dog on the scale at the vet’s.

·    -    You walk your dog and everyone knows him by name, but you have no idea who these people are.

·    -    You own a dog capable of pulling someone from a port-a-potty.

·    -    You carry a tape measure with you when shopping for a new vehicle.

·    -    You have given up on water dishes and you just use the bathtub.

·    -    You have to move over when brushing your teeth because your dog wants a drink.

·    -    You show a picture of your dogs and kids together, and the first person you point out is your dog.

·    -    You've learned to force a smile when asked, "Do you have a saddle for that thing?"

·    -   Your veterinarian has been able to put in a swimming pool, build a large home, buy jet skis and a vacation home in Florida.

·    -    You're holding him straddled between your legs when the doorbell rings and you find yourself quickly transported straight to the front door.

Fiancée

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.  "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.  "I am a Torah scholar," he replies.  "A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she's accustomed to?"  "I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."  "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?" asks the father.  "I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."  "And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"  "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancée.  The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?" The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

Today’s Thought

For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.

Friday's Funnies

Advance Payment

Business professor: "Who can give me an example of a system where you are billed before you actually receive your goods?"
Student: "Tuition!"

Short Ones

• Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.
• When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it just feels like a small vacation!
• At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away...

Gone Fishin'

Roger came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied no, nothing was wrong, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked Roger if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing. "Yes he did. Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

On Her Knees

A guy was telling his friend that he and his wife had a serious argument the night before. "But it ended," he said, "when she came crawling to me on her hands and knees." "Wow. What did she say?" asked the friend. The husband replied, "She shouted, 'Come out from under that bed, you coward!'"

Delusional

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session.   "I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said. "So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning."  "Of course," replied the patient. "In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

Actual (We're Told) Newspaper Headlines

• Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
• Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
• Miners Refuse to Work after Death
• Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
• War Dims Hope for Peace
• If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
• Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
• London Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
• Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
• Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
• New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
• Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
• Hospitals Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
• Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Lion Tamer

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

School Daze

• Nathan comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" "Not enough," he replies. "I have to go back tomorrow."
• Mom: "How did you find school today?"
  Youngster: "I simply hopped off the bus — and there it was."
• Mia: "I think we need a new teacher."
  Mom: "Why is that?"
  Mia: "Our teacher doesn't know anything, she keeps asking us for the answers."
• Teacher: "Who can tell me what a 'mystery' is?"
  Pupil: "A mystery is when someone colors on the table, but no one knows who did it."
• Brenda's six-year-old daughter was explaining to the other kids in her class what "extinct" meant. "Well," she said in all seriousness, "it means that the dinosaurs are all dead and have been dead so long they don't stink anymore. That's why they call them exstinked."

Impressive

My daughter's history class was able to take a trip to Washington, DC, last year. She didn't seem too excited, deeming it too "educational" to be any fun. But when she returned she was bubbling over with enthusiasm and wonder and even awe as she described how they stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, staring at the Washington Monument across the reflecting pool. "Just think, Mom," she marveled, "we were standing in the exact spot where Forrest Gump stood!"

Today’s Thought


A pessimist is a person who looks both way before crossing a one-way street.

Friday's Funnies

Praying for all affected by Hurricane Irma!

Shorts

• What's the difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist only wears a belt. A pessimist wears a belt, suspenders, and carries safety pins.
• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
• Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
• Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
• I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
• A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
• A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

Out With A Bang

A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his eggs every morning. The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Fake News

If Biblical headlines were written by today's media...

• On Red Sea crossing:
  Wetlands Trampled in Labor Strike
    Pursuing Environmentalists Killed
• On David vs. Goliath:
  Hate Crime Kills Beloved Champion
    Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock
• On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
  Fire Sends Religious Extremist into Frenzy
    400 Killed
• On the birth of Christ:
  Hotels Full, Animals Left Homeless
    Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple
• On feeding the 5,000:
  Preacher Takes Child's Lunch
    Disciples Mystified Over Behavior
• On healing the 10 lepers:
  Local Doctor's Practice Ruined
    "Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy
• On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
  Madman's Friend Causes Stampede
    Local Farmer's Investment Lost
• On raising Lazarus from the dead:
  Fundamentalist Preacher Raises a Stink
    Reading of Will Delayed

Kids' Science Exam Answers

• Q:  Name the four seasons.
  A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
• Q:  What does 'varicose' mean?
  A:  Nearby.
• Q:  Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
  A:  The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.
• Q:  What does the word 'benign' mean?'
  A:  Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Shorts

• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• There are moments when everything goes well. Don't be frightened, it won't last.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• I went to Magician's School but flunked the final exam. They were all trick questions.
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
• There are only two things a child will share willingly — communicable diseases and mom's age.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
• Money isn't everything. There are credit cards, money orders and travelers checks.

Worship

Worship brings all kinds of responses, as I observed in church recently. An elderly woman was standing with eyes closed and hands raised in prayer and praise. The three-year-old standing in the pew in front of her turned around and gave her a high-five!

Top 10 Reasons to Procrastinate:

1.

Today’s Thought

They say that inside each heavy person is a thin person struggling to get out. I've discovered that mine can be sedated with a piece of chocolate cake.

Friday's Funnies

Nap Time

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

Thoughts To Ponder

1. Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?

2. Why does grape flavor smell the way it is when actual grapes don't taste or smell anything like it.

3. If its 11:30 PM Dec 31 in Texas and 12:30 AM Jan 1st in New York and you have a New York driver's license that expires Jan 2007, does that mean your license has expired?

4. When does it stop being partly cloudy and start being partly sunny?

5. Is there a time limit on fortune cookie predictions?

6. If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?

7. Is it legal to travel down a road in reverse, as long as your following the direction of the traffic?

8. Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

9. If a doctor suddenly had a heart attack while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

10. Why aren't drapes double sided so it looks nice on the inside and outside of your home?

11. Why do people say “beans, beans, the magical fruit” when beans are vegetables?

12. If laughter is the best medicine, who's the idiot who said they 'died laughing'?

Expensive

A Scotsman, planning a trip to the Holy Land, was aghast when he found it would cost one hundred dollars an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee.  "Hoot mon," he said, "in Scotland it wouldna ha been more than $20."  "That might be true," said the travel agent, "but you have to take into account that the Sea of Galilee is water on which our Lord Himself walked."   "Well, at $100 an hour for a boat," said the Scotsman, "it's no wonder He walked."

The Cynical Philosopher

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy

but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?  That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.  We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.  I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, you don’t have a life!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

Instructions

Patient: It's been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

Patient: I sure did. The bottle said "keep tightly closed."

Husband's Estimate

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"  Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."  "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.  "Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Today’s Thought

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.