Friday's Funnies

Three Expectant Fathers

Three expectant fathers were in the waiting room. The nurse came out of the delivery room and announced to one of the fathers that he was the father of twins. He was delighted and said what a coincidence, since he was a member of the Minnesota Twins team. A little later the nurse came out again and said to the next father, congratulations, your wife just had triplets. He was so a happy - and said isn't that a coincidence - I work for 3M. The other father took off like a shot - the nurse ran after him saying where are you going? Over his shoulder, the nurse heard him mumbling something about his work at 7UP.

Basketball Game

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone." "What makes you think it's mine?" the ref asked. "Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls."

Trying To Please

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said. "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. "What did you steal?" the judge asked. "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

Exemplary Congregant

The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending our church. I wish I had twenty parishioners like you." "Gosh, it's nice to hear that, Pastor, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money." The pastor said, "I'd still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

Thought For Today

If God wanted us to use the metric system, He would have given us ten fingers and ten toes.

World's Shortest Books

THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE by Barack Obama
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan / Illustrated by Michael Moore
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS & HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA by Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY By Bill Clinton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD by Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY by Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE by Al Gore & John Kerry
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC by Amelia Earhart
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST by Dr. Jack Kevorkian
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS by O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY by Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS by Bill Clinton with introduction by the Rev. Jesse Jackson
And just added:
MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY by Nancy Pelosi

Attention Shoppers

"Memo to the people who leave their shopping carts in the check-out line while running to get an item they forgot: I'm the one who puts all of the extra items in there while you're away."

Roses

As he was standing in line at the grocery store checkout counter, a friend of John's noticed he was purchasing a dozen roses and a card. "You in trouble with Jill?" the friend asked John. "Nope!" was John's reply. "Preventive maintenance."

The Passport Photo

Unfortunately, getting a new passport required a new photo. As I handed my ten-year-old passport and the new picture to the clerk, I sighed. "I like the original better," I told her. "Trust me," she said. "Ten years from now, you'll like this one."

Feeling Fine

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice I heard on TV, you too can find inner peace. Dr. Oz proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of cola, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I feel right now.