Friday's Funnies

 April Fool’s Day Groaners

Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?

A: Because they've just finished a long March!

Q: What's the best day for monkey business?

A: The first of Ape-ril!

Looks Great

A young man was sitting next to me in one of the two chairs provided for men outside the ladies fitting room in our local department store. After 30 minutes and 6 changes of outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room one more time. He looked at her and immediately said, "That looks great on you! Get that one." "Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

Sounds Right

A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. "Exactly," replied the instructor. To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

Crossing The Road

Why did the chicken cross the road halfway?  She wanted to lay it on the line.

Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?  He heard the referee calling fowls.

Why did the chicken cross the playground?  To get to the other slide.

What do you get when you cross a chicken and a pit bull?  Just the pit bull.

New Supermarket

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain. When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows 'mooing' and smell the scent of fresh butter melting. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying. So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

Walking Economy

A man walking with his friend says, "I'm a walking economy." His friend replies, "How so?" "My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression."

Too Expensive

A very cheap man was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too expensive, except for a broken glass vase which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it had been broken in transit. In due time, the man received an acknowledgment from his friend. "Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

Prayer

A man had a habit of grumbling at the food his wife placed before him at family meals. Then he would ask the blessing. One day after his usual combination complaint-prayer, his little girl asked, "Daddy, does God hear us when we pray?" "Why, of course," he replied. "He hears us every time we pray." She thought about this for a moment, then asked, "Does he hear what we say when we're not praying too?" "Yes, dear, every word," he replied, encouraged that he had inspired his daughter to be curious about spiritual matters. His pride however was quickly turned to humility when she asked, "Then which does God believe?"

Strategic Marketing

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!" Each time the grocer meekly capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer said. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Answered Prayer

As song leader for my church in New Hampshire, I was preparing for Sunday morning. I had planned on playing my guitar, but my electronic tuner was missing. "Maybe I left it in the car," I thought. Heading out to the garage, I passed my husband in the living room, watching TV. "Please pray that I find my tuner," I mentioned out loud and then I asked God to help me find it. As I searched through the car, I didn't find anything in the back seat, but when I reached under the front seat, I pulled out a can of tuna. My husband heard my laughter from all the way in the house and came out to the garage. "Honey," I chuckled, "the Lord sure answered that prayer — New England accent and all!"

Stay!

I pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever had fresh air. She was stretched out on the back seat, and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay!" The driver of a nearby car gave me a startled look. "I don't know about you, lady," he said incredulously. "But I usually just put my car in park."

Today’s Thought

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Born Politician

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner. One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me." "Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."

Clarification

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby!"

How Not to Get a Job

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No." The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?" The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

Close

A young man walked into our insurance office to purchase coverage for his new motorcycle. Only one question confused him. "Do you have a lien holder on the vehicle?" "I got a kickstand," the prospect replied. "Is that the same thing?"

My Son the Attorney

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. As a young attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, "My son is a lawyer." As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. "Only to mow my lawn."

If College Students Wrote the Bible

The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.

The Ten Commandments would actually be only five; double spaced and written in large font.

A new edition would be published every two years in order to limit reselling.

Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.

Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's E-mail to abuse@romans.gov.

Reason Cain killed Abel; they were roommates.

Reason why Moses and followers walked the desert for 40 years; they didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.

Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, he would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.

Don't Bug Me

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for one of her husband's sports jackets. Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a resort complex to get his mind off a rather complicated conspiracy case, he noticed a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie. The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for analysis. Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the results of their tests. "We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI told him, “But we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"

Oh

The Sunday School teacher looked at the boy's drawing of a manger scene, which included a large dog was among the animals. The teacher asked about it. "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Insufficient Instructions

Aboard a flight from Los Angeles to New York, Grandma Jeannette was taking her very first flight. They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping. The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort. When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess. "The chewing gum worked fine," she said, "But tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?"

Not Tweeting

A man walks into a doctor's and says, "Doctor, I think I'm addicted to Twitter." The doctor looks at him and says, "Sorry, I don't follow you."

Dad Joke

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people.

Today’s Thought

I avoid clichés like the plague.

Friday's Funnies

 Unclear Intentions

A pastor is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small, and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys’ efforts for some time, the pastor moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the pastor smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Short Thoughts

• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is my workstation.
• I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
• If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what genius came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
• Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. Wouldn't it make sense simply to call a good doctor.
• I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me: they're cramming for their finals.

Sounds Right

A Sunday School teacher asked her class, "Does anyone here know what we mean by sins of omission?" A small girl replied: "Aren't those the sins we should have committed, but didn't?"

High Pressure Zone

When a physician remarked on a new patient's extraordinarily ruddy complexion, the man explained, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" the doctor asked. "Neither," he replied. "It's from my wife's family." "Oh, come now," doc said, "How could your wife's family give you high blood pressure?" The man sighed. "You oughta meet 'em sometime, Doc!"

Getting It Right

The Independence Day holiday was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips to correct her: "I'm not free. I'm four."

Grammar!

An English teacher at Michigan State University spent a lot of time marking grammatical errors on her students' written work. She wasn't sure how much impact she was having until one overly busy day when she sat at her desk rubbing her temples. A student approached her and asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?" "Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state. After a slight pause the student tried again ... "What was the matter? What has been the matter? What might have been the matter?..."

The Reckoning

It was a Saturday afternoon, and Ray had rushed down to the local supermarket to hurriedly pick up some hamburger rolls, chips and a few condiments. The big college game was going to be on, so he was having a few friends over to watch it. The store was loaded with shoppers and as he headed for the six item express lane, the only one that didn't have a long line, a woman completely ignoring the overhead sign slipped into the check-out line just in front of him pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Ray was quietly fuming at the anticipated delay. But the elderly cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked ever so sweetly, "So, Dearie, which six items would you like to buy?"

Expert Advice

A friend was thinking about buying a new house in the country and asked me to come out and look at it. We found the town, but we couldn't locate the road. We drove over to city hall, where a community get-together was going on, and asked around, but no one had heard of the road. Even the policemen and fire personnel were stumped. We went into city hall and consulted a map, with no luck, until finally one young man came to our aid. He pointed to the map, showing us exactly how to get there. I thanked the young man and asked if he was with the police or fire department. "Neither," he replied. "I deliver pizzas."

Today’s Thought

I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

Friday's Funnies

 Billion-dollar idea

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, "I'm just cooking!"

Cancel The Order

A customer sent a large order to a distributor. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid so they sent a message: "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the reply came: "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

Uncle's Bad Memory

My husband's uncle thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention. This worked perfectly, for a while at least. Then one day he came home, saw a bouquet, kissed his wife, and asked offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where did you get them?

Super Dress

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated. As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband's opinion. By this time, he had learned just the right things to say. "It's perfect!" he exclaimed. "It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips." Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. "If there is a dress here that will do that, I'll buy them all!"

Which one would you choose?

You're driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old woman, who looks as if she's about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The man / woman of your dreams.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing there could only be one passenger in your car. Think before you continue reading. This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old woman because she is going to die; thus, you should save her first. Or, you could pick up the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him / her back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY? He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the old woman the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

You might be a redneck if... (from cuzin' Joe)

1. Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
2. Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
3. You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
4. You have a relative living in your garage.
5. Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
6. There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
7. You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
8. None of the tires on your van are the same size.
9. You hold up the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
10. Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
11. Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
12. Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
13. You've slow danced in the Waffle House.
14. Starting your car involves popping the hood.
15. Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
16. You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
17. You've been in a fist fight at a yard sale.
18. You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back.

The Businessman

 A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort, he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe. When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do." A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, and the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice. The pastor recognized the benefactor and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked. "Absolutely," replied the businessman. "You went to the beach?" "Absolutely." "You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?" "Absolutely." "You let the pages rifle until they  stopped?" "Absolutely." "And what were the first words you saw?" "Chapter 11."

Not Paying Attention

The math teacher saw that Harold wasn't paying attention in class so she called on him and said, "Harold! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Lil Harold quickly replied, "NBC, ESPN, Hallmark, and the Cartoon Network."

Dad Joke

My wife and I had a long argument about whose turn it was to do the laundry. In the end, I threw in the towel.

Today’s Thought

I burn about 2000 calories every time I put on fitted sheets by myself.