Friday's Funnies

 To Tell The Tooth

 

Fresh from a visit to the dentist, I decided to stop at my bank. Barely able to enunciate, I told the teller, "I'm sorry about not speaking more clearly. I've been to the dentist."  "You should have used the drive-through," she said. "Why?" "Everyone who goes through sounds like you."

 

Observational Humor

 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head on my lap.  I carefully removed his glasses.  "You know Honey," I said sweetly, "without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."  "Honey," he replied with a grin, "without my glasses, you still look pretty good too."

 

Sugar-Coated Advice

 

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.  "I only eat Skittles candy," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow ones for lunch, orange for afternoon snacks, and purple for dinner."  "I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

 

Green Thumb

 

Last October my wife bought a magnolia tree from the local nursery, but after only a few weeks the leaves shriveled. It appeared to be on its last legs.  My wife took some leaf samples and marched into the nursery to demand an explanation.  "I know exactly what's wrong with your magnolia," said the manager.  "Good," said my wife. "What's it suffering from?"  "Autumn," he replied

 

The Fisherman

After fishing for walleye all day and not getting so much as a bite, the fisherman gave up. On the way home he stopped at a fish market and asked the proprietor to throw him six of the biggest fish he had. "Throw them? Why?" asked the proprietor. "Because I'm going to catch them. I may be a lousy fisherman, but I'm not a liar."

 

Two Liners

 

I heard that by law you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know when it's raining in Sweden?

If you cry when you cut an onion, here's a tip:
Don't get emotionally attached.

95% of people are completely STUPID!
Luckily, I'm in the other 10%.

My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now.
New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

What do you call a person who is happy on Mondays?
Unemployed.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub and a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.

Saying Grace

 

A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals.  One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"  Jerry answered, "Dad says 'Go easy on the butter, kids - it's three bucks a pound!'"

 

Tip

 

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"  "Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."  "Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."  "What are you studying in school?" asked Mr. Smith.  The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

 

A Matter Of Perspective

 

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"
Father: "Really?  What's the good news?"
College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"
Father: "I certainly do."
College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

University Basketball

 

The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded better recruits. "These athletes you're sending me aren't the brightest," the coach blustered. "Just look." He stepped into the hall and grabbed a team member who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Ten minutes later the athlete returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. The university president scratched his head. "I see what you mean," conceded the president, "I would have phoned."

 

Dad Joke

 

Once upon a time, there a king who was only 12 inches tall. He was a terrible king, but made a great ruler.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Dogs must think their masters are hypocrites for constantly using the restroom in the house.

 

Friday's Funnies

 Lost

 

Driving to a new restaurant, a woman took several wrong turns. When she finally found the right road, she asked her husband, "Why didn't you tell me I was lost?"  "I thought you knew where you were going," he replied. "You always know where you're going when I'm driving."

 

In-laws

 

A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine."

 

Flowers

 

A man stops by his local florist shop to buy flowers for his new girlfriend for Valentine's Day. He asks the proprietor, "You know the expression, 'You should say it with flowers'?"  "How about three dozen of my finest roses?" the florist asks.  "Make it a half dozen roses," the man answers. "I'm a man of few words."

 

Excuses

 

TEACHER: Why didn't you study?

 

STUDENT: A year has 365 days for you to study. After taking away 52 Sundays, there are only 313 days left. There are 50 days in the summer that are way too hot to work so there are only 263 days left. We sleep 8 hours a day, in a year, that counts up to 122 days so now we're left with 141 days. If we fooled around for only 1 hour a day, 15 days are gone, so we are left with 126 days. We spend 2 hours eating each day - 30 days are used in this way in the year, and we are left with 96 days in our year. We spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more and we are left with 81 days. Exams and tests take up at least 35 days in your year; hence you are only left with 46 days. Taking off approximately 40 days of holidays, you are only left with 6 days. Say you are sick for a minimum of 3 days; you're left with 3 days in the year to study! Let's say you only go out for 2 days...you're left with 1 day. But that 1 day is your birthday. That's why I did not study.

 

Teacher: Class dismissed.

 

Q&A

 

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q. Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A. No, they had an apple!
Q. What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love?
A. "I found the perfect match!"
Q: Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A: He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.
Q. Do you have a date for Valentine's day?
A. Yes, February 14th.

Unexpected Blessings

Four expectant fathers were in a Minnesota hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, you're the father of twins."  "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team!"  The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."  "Wow, what a coincidence!" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."  When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.  "Another coincidence!" he tells her. "I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"  At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask him what was wrong. He moans, "I work for Seven-Eleven!"

Puntastic

 

·         What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?  It gets toad away.

·         If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.  They're usually 90 degrees.

·         What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?  "Put it on my bill."

·         What's the best thing about Switzerland?  I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

·         What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?  One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

·         I took part in the suntanning Olympics, but I only got bronze.

·         Not only is my new thesaurus terrible, it's also terrible.

·         I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

·         The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

 

Beauty

 

A couple is watching the news.  They hear that a beautiful actress is marrying an athlete who's famous for his lack of IQ and common sense.

Husband: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives!"

Wife: "Why thank you, dear!"

 

Happy Birthday

 

A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?" She said, "I'd love to be ten again." On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park - the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning. Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed. Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?" One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually, honey, I meant dress size!

 

Dad Joke

 

Good news! The Lego Store has reopened! People are lined up for blocks!!

 

Today’s Thought

 

People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

Friday's Funnies

 

Healthy Eating

 

A man goes to the doctor complaining about stomach problems. The doctor asks him what he's been eating.  "I only eat pool balls," he says. "Red ones for breakfast, yellow and orange ones for lunch, blue for afternoon snacks, and purple and black for dinner."  "I see the problem," says the doctor. "You're not getting enough greens."

 

Need A Vacation

 

A friend of mine bought his wife a world map and gave her a dart and said, throw this, and wherever it lands--that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends. It turns out that they will be spending two weeks behind the fridge.

 

Puns For The Kid In Us

- Why was the cookie so unhappy?  Because his mother was a wafer so long.

- Why did the waiter fall over?  He was tipped.

- Why did the ocean refuse her boyfriend's marriage proposal?  She didn't want to be tide down. (Cynthia MacGregor)

- Define "Pharmacist": A helper on the farm.

- Use "Lettuce" in a sentence: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together.

- Headline: Defendant's Speech Ends In Long Sentence

- Book Title: "Why I Was Sent To Prison" by Robin Banks

- The blind man picked up a hammer and saw!

- If you drop a piano down a mine shaft, you'll get A flat minor.

- Whether it's a pancake or a baseball team, the secret is to start with a good batter.

Playing Doctor

 

The seven-year-old told her mom that a little boy in her class asked her to play doctor.

"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"

"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."

Revenge

 

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."  He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."

 

It's Not A Cat, It’s …

A small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist.
A wildlife control expert impersonator.
An un-programmable animal.
A four footed allergen.
A hair relocation expert.
A treat-seeking missile.
A lap-warmer with a built-in buzzer.
A small, furry lap fungus.

Animal Superbowl

 

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"SO WHERE WERE YOU THE FIRST HALF?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

Blond Joke

 

A blond driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. The blond remembered what Dad had said: "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it."  Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it, for about forty-five minutes.  Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked what happened. The blond explained what Dad said.  The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Walmart parking lot. Do you want to follow me over to Best Buy now?"

 

Dad Joke

 

I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today. His mom got really angry.

 

Today’s Thought

 

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Friday's Funnies

 Thinking Alike

A couple returning from their honeymoon was in a deep discussion about people and their actions. John, the husband indicated: "I have always maintained that no two people on earth think alike."  Mary, his loving new bride commented: "You'll change your mind when you look over our wedding presents."

Donations

A tired homemaker answered the doorbell to find a young minister who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building.  I hope you'll give what you can."  "To be sure," said the beleaguered woman. "I'll give you two boys, two girls, or one of each." 

Milestone

One milestone of a healthy marriage is when your wedding gifts begin wearing out and breaking down.

Random One Liners

• You want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind, it's pretty cheesy.
• What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
• My New Year's resolution is to get in shape. I choose round.
• Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
• What's the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?  One requires tweetment and the other requires Oinkment.
• What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.
• Why can't a bike stand on its own? It's two tired.
• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon but it never really took off.
• It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always exactly fits in the newspaper.
• You can't lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, then what you've lost is a pigeon.
• Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere.

 You Didn’t Ask

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.  "Buffy," she said, "how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"  "Ten," said Buffy.  So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.  "Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!"  "Yeah!" said Buffy. "So did I."

Meet My Dogs

A girl was visiting her friend who had acquired two new dogs.  She asked, "What are their names?"  The friend replied, "That one is Rolex and this one is Timex."  The girl said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"  "What's wrong with it?" said the friend, "they're watch dogs."

Chocolate Covered Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?" "We can't chew them because we've got no teeth," she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Then why do you buy them?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

The Famous Man

One day a famous man went to a nursing home to see all of his friends again and see how there were doing. When he got there, everybody greeted him warmly.  One man he noticed didn't come up to him or say anything to him, so later he walked up to the man and asked him "Do you know who I am?"  The old man replied "No, but you can go to the front desk and they'll tell you."

Getting Wiser?

Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get older.  I read in Reader's Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of his 91-year-old father. The older man began to setup the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over which method was best.  Finally, the son said, "Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees!"  The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as he went, "You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!"

Hospital Visitation

Fred was unfortunate enough to be hit by a 10-ton truck and landed up in hospital in intensive care. His best friend Morris came to visit him.  Fred struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sally visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."  "What does she read?"  "My life insurance policy."

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory in France?  Da brie was everywhere!

Today’s Thought

 I don't have grey hair. I have wisdom highlights.