Friday's Funnies

Predicting The Future

 

Johnny: "Do you think people can predict the future with cards?"

 

Jimmy: "My mother sure can. She takes one look at my report card and tells me exactly what will happen when Dad gets home."

 

Kitchen Signs

1.     A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

2.     A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

3.     A Messy Kitchen Is A Happy Kitchen. And This Kitchen Is Delirious.

4.     Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

5.     Countless Number Of People Have Eaten In This Kitchen and Gone On To Lead Normal Lives.

6.     Help Keep the Kitchen Clean — Eat Out.

7.     My next house will have no kitchen — just vending machines.

8.     Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Contacts

 

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."  The woman answers, "Well, I have contacts."  The policeman replies, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

 

Top Dog Pet Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your gas on me ... Not Funny.

2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog, you idiot.

3. Taking me for a walk and then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick balancing food on my nose. Stop it.

5. Getting upset when I sniff your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet.

6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.

7. Dog sweaters.

8. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

 

The Low Down Deed

Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a friendly, jovial man, but there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him — his height, or rather, his lack of it. He was very short and apparently sensitive about the subject. One day he stormed through the kitchen doors and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Everyone was speechless, except for one waitress who couldn't help herself as she blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?"

God Is...

When my youngest son was three years old, he sat in my lap at Church. (We had a guest speaker this particular Sunday.) The guest speaker was in the middle of a very loud sermon when he bent over the podium and started yelling "God is eternal," "God is eternal," while banging his fist for emphasis. My son looked very serious for a moment and then as young children do, he exclaimed very loudly, "Momma I didn't know God was a turtle." Needless to say, he had three rows of pews cracking up in the middle of the poor speaker's sermon.

 

Cool

 

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's father. He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool."

The Sin

 

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.  When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"  When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"  And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"  But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 

Good Grammar

 

Teacher: Billy, give me a sentence starting with "I".

Billy: I is ...

Teacher: No, Billy. Always say, "I am."

Billy: All right ... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

 

Today’s Thought

 

At what age do you go from being disrespectful to your elders, to being someone who thinks "the young people today show no respect"?

Friday's Funnies

The Fatherhood Cycle

 

4 years: "My Daddy can do anything."

7 years: "My Dad knows a lot, a whole lot."

12 years: "Oh, well - naturally - Father doesn't know that either."

14 years: "Father? Hopelessly old-fashioned."

21 years: "Oh, that man is so out-of-date. What did you expect?"

25 years: "He knows a little bit about it - but not much."

30 years: "Maybe we ought to find out what Dad thinks."

35 years: "Let's ask Dad what he would do before we make a decision."

40 years: "I wonder what Dad would have thought about that? He was pretty smart."

50 years: "My Dad knew absolutely everything."

60 years: "I'd give anything if Dad were here so I could talk this over with him. I really miss that man."

 

Touché

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand." The witness promptly replied, "If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment."

Occupational Hymns

 

Switchboard Operator: "There's A Call Comes Ringing

Voice Teacher: "Sing Them Over Again To Me"

 

Reasons It's Time To Buy a New Car

 

- Your passenger seat is on the National Register of Historic Places.

- Instead of an air bag, there is a whoopee cushion taped to your steering wheel.

- You lose the stoplight challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.

- The 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for three days.

- When you gas up, the attendant asks, "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"

- Thieves repeatedly break in to your car just to steal the "Club."

- While sitting at a stop light, people keep running up to you and asking if anyone was hurt.

- For the last five years, you've had to settle for making "vroom, vroom" noises while in the driveway.

 

Making Plans

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did — in his sleep. Not screaming like the passengers in his car.

 

English Lesson

 

An English teacher rolled through a stop sign and was pulled over by a police officer -- a former student!  "Ms. Brown," he said, "those stop signs are periods, not commas."

 

Texting

 

The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."

In Trouble

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be in trouble with:

- the FDA for turning water into wine without a license

- the EPA for killing fig trees

- the AMA for practicing medicine without a license

- the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness

- the NEA for teaching without a certificate

- OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane

- the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, and

- the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

 

40^th Anniversary

 

A couple is planning their 40th anniversary party.

She: "I think I'll wear silver shoes."

He: "To match your hair!"

She: "Yes, dear -- so I suppose you'll be barefoot..."

 

Taxi Grad

A young man had just graduated from Harvard and was so excited just thinking about his future.  He gets into a taxi and the driver says, "How are you on this lovely day?"  "I'm the Class of 2012, just graduated from Harvard and I just can't wait to go out there and see what the world has in store for me."  The driver looks back to shake the young man's hand and says, "Congratulations, I'm Mitch. Harvard Class of 1969." 

 

The Top 10 Things Not To Do At Your Child’s Performance Or Sports Event

 

10. Try to pep up the dance recital crowd by starting "the wave."

9. Do a halftime trampoline show.

8. With your buddies, spell out your child's name on your chests.

7. Mimic the conductor.

6. Start a paper airplane contest with the program.

5. Clip your toenails.

4. Wear a multi-colored wig and hold up a large, confusing sign.

3. In the middle of the violin piece, say loudly to the person next to you, "That reminds me...I need to take our cat to the vet."

2. Wear your wife's old cheerleading outfit.

1. Two words: cow bell.

 

Today’s Thought

 

You're the best father I can imagine unless you lost my inheritance in the economic meltdown in which case I can imagine better.

Friday's Funnies

Bruises

Doctor: "Your shins have some nasty bruises.  Do you play hockey or soccer?"

Patient: "Nope.  My wife and I play bridge."

 

American Newspapers

Who Reads What Newspapers?

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie chart format.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy, as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

Truth

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.  "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

Panda Lunch

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the table.  As the panda stands up to leave, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my table and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"  The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey, man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"  The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

ANNOUNCING THESE NEW BOOK RELEASES:  Part 2

 

~ "Body Parts" by Anna Tomickle

~ "US Elections" by Freda Vote

~ "Come on In!" by Doris Open

~ "The German Bank Robbery" by Hans Zupp

~ "I Hate the Sun" by Gladys Knight

~ "Irish First Aid" by R.U. O'Kaye

~ "My Career As a Clown" by Abe Ozo

~ "Take This Job and Shove It" by Ike Witt

~ "Rapunzel Rapunzel" by Harris Long

~ "Split Personalities" by Jacqueline Hyde

~ "How I Won the Marathon" by Randy Hoelway

~ "Lonely Days" by Anita Friend

~ "Together Forever" by Stan Bymee

 

Trouble

 

If Jesus were to do His same ministry on earth today, He would be in trouble with:

 

- the FDA for turning water into wine without a license,

- the EPA for killing fig trees,

 -the AMA for practicing medicine without a license,

- the Dept. of Health for asking people to open graves, for raising the dead and for feeding 5,000 people in the wilderness,

- the NEA for teaching without a certificate,

- OSHA for walking on water without a life-jacket and for flying without an airplane,

- the SPCA for driving hogs into the sea, and

- the National Board of Psychiatrists for giving advice on how to live a guilt-free life.

 

Draft Choice

A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of Pope John Paul II with his class. One student asked how they chose the new pope. The teacher explained the process, finishing with, "So the cardinals pick him." A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, "Why would they let a baseball team pick the next pope?"

 

Today’s Thought

 

All I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won't solve all my problems.

 

Friday's Funnies

Funny One-Liners:

• Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
• The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
• When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
• Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
• The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.
• Money isn't everything. There's credit cards, money orders, and travelers checks.
• A true friend is one that lets his grass grow as tall as his neighbor's.

Music's Importance

I attend a small village church in rural PA. On any given Sunday, we may have six or seven faithful little ones who come with their parents for the whole church service. Pastor has a white bag which gets passed from child to child, making sure they get equal turns to put something in for him to talk about. Each Sunday, Pastor calls all the little children up to him and he opens the bag to find a "surprise" on which he bases his children's sermon. Last week, the bag went home with a little guy who spends many hours a week on church related activities. His parents and older brother are very active and so, in turn, is he. When Pastor opened the bag, there was a copy of Handel's Messiah which was very appropriate for Easter Sunday. Pastor and the children had a lively discussion going on about the joy and happiness that music brings to the service. As he closed the little talk, Pastor said, "Yes, music is a wonderful part of our service. What would church be like if there was none?" Without skipping a beat, the little boy who had brought the music said, "About a half an hour!" Needless to say, everyone exploded into laughter which lasted for minutes. Finally, Pastor said, "There is no way I can top that so let's have a little prayer before you return to your seats."

Elevating

I was on an elevator the other day, and the operator kept calling me "son."   I said, "Why do you keep calling me 'son'? You're not my father." He said, "I brought you up, didn't I?"

Doctor Funnies

"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains!"  "Well, pull yourself together."
"Doctor, Doctor! My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"  "Hmmmm... Let's hope nothing develops."
"Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards!"  "I'll deal with you in a minute."
"Doctor, Doctor! My son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?"  "Use a pencil 'till I get there."

The Wedding Question

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

Things Moms Probably Never Say

• "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
• "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
• "Just leave all the lights on. It makes the house look more cheery"
• "Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week"
• "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
• "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
• "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I’m running a prison around here."
• "I don't have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve."
• "Don't bother wearing a jacket. The wind chill is bound to improve"

Stingy

A very, very stingy man died and went to heaven.  He was met at the pearly gates by Peter, who led him down the streets of gold.  They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the end of the street and stopped in front of a tiny shack without gold paving in front. "And here is where you will be living, sir,"  Peter announced.  "ME live HERE?!,” the stingy man yelled. "How come?"  "Well," Peter replied, "We did the best we could with the money you sent in."

ANNOUNCING THESE NEW BOOK RELEASES:  Part 1

~ "How to Write Big Books" by Warren Peace

~ "The Art of Archery" by Beau Narrow

~ "Irish Heart Surgery" by Angie O'Plasty

~ "Desert Crossing" by Rhoda Camel

~ "School Truancy" by Marcus Absent

~ "I Lost My Balance" by Eileen Dover and Phil Down

~ "Positive Reinforcement" by Wade Ago

~ "Stop Arguing" by Xavier Breath

~ "Towels For Every Occasion" by Terry Kloth

~ "Keep 'em Laughing" by Benton Halph

~ "My Life at the Cemetery" by Doug Graves

~ "Snow on the Roof" by Dan Druph

~ "The Running of the Bulls" by Gordon Mald

~ "TV Wrestler" by Lee Ponya

~ "Karate for Ladies" by Marsha Lartz

 

Practicing

 

Joe's wife liked to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.  His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"  Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

 

Today’s Thought

A physician once said: "The best medicine for humans is love."  Someone asked, "What if it doesn't work?"  He smiled and said: "Increase the dose."