A young boy had just got his driver's license and asked his dad if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. "If you bring your grades up from C to B, study your Bible and get your hair cut ... then we'll talk about you borrowing the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I'm really proud of you. You've brought your grades up and I've been watching you studying your Bible. However, I'm a bit disappointed that you haven't had your hair cut."
The lad paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's a strong argument that Jesus had long hair too."
To which his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
+++++
WORDS OF WISDOM
When you're over 50 you can still do all the things you did when you were 17 — if you don't mind making an idiot of yourself.
INSTANT PROOF
Yesterday I went to the optician's, walked up to the counter and said to the guy on duty, "I think my eyes are going." He said, "They've gone, mate - this is Burger King."
GULL-IBLE
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. "He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"
POLE-ISH
At the Olympics a man went up to a competitor who was carrying a very long pole. "Excuse me, are you a pole vaulter?" "Nein, I am German," the man replied. "But how did you know my name ist Walter?"
THE BOSS
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy learning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?" The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back!" Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?" From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
+++++
Married Humor
Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."
--------------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
+++++
Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child.”
Friday, June 29, 2007
Friday, June 22, 2007
Funnies for 6/22/2007
THE DREAM
Jacob, 4, was having breakfast with his family one morning when he announced to his mom, Julie, that he had had a dream the night before. "And you were in it," he declared. "What happened in your dream?" Julie asked. Jacob responded, "Don't you remember? You were in it!"
WHAT DARWIN FORGOT
If evolution is true, why do mothers still have only one pair of hands?
FOLLOWING THROUGH...
I've been told that a way to feel better is to finish things I have started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
NOAH
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!" He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." "We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
THE CROSSING
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing. As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one worker looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
ANIMAL SOUNDS
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." "Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." "Arnie, what sound does a mouse make?" Arnie paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women!
+++++
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory”.
I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years”.
+++++
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"
+++++
My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog. Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Jacob, 4, was having breakfast with his family one morning when he announced to his mom, Julie, that he had had a dream the night before. "And you were in it," he declared. "What happened in your dream?" Julie asked. Jacob responded, "Don't you remember? You were in it!"
WHAT DARWIN FORGOT
If evolution is true, why do mothers still have only one pair of hands?
FOLLOWING THROUGH...
I've been told that a way to feel better is to finish things I have started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
NOAH
Noah opens up the ark and let all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply!" He's closing the great doors of the ark when he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can go now. Go forth and multiply." "We can't," said the snakes. "We're adders."
THE CROSSING
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing. As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one worker looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross?"
ANIMAL SOUNDS
A group of young children were sitting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions. "Davey, what sound does a cow make?" Davey replied, "It goes 'moo'." "Alice, what sound does a cat make?" Alice said, "It goes 'meow'." "Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?" Jamie said, "It goes 'baaa'." "Arnie, what sound does a mouse make?" Arnie paused, and said, "Uhh... it goes... 'click'!"
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
1. Other women!
+++++
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who was eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory”.
I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations.I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years”.
+++++
Pete and Gladys were looking at a new living room suite in the furniture store. Pete said to the salesman, "We really like it, but I don't think we can afford it." The salesman said, "You just make a small down payment, and then you don't make another payment for six months."
Gladys wheeled around with her hands on her hips and said, "Who told you about us?"
+++++
My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog. Then one day, two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Friday, June 15, 2007
Funnies for 6/15/2007
AN ESSAY ON FATHERS:
"He can climb the highest mountain or swim the biggest ocean. He can fly the fastest plane and fight the strongest tiger. My father can do anything! But most of the time he just carries out the garbage." - Anonymous eight-year-old
DAD'S CHEAPER
One little boy defined Father's Day like this: "Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only you don't spend as much on a present."
+++++
...............They Walk Among Us!
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
.....Yep, They Walk Among Us AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL they VOTE!
+++++
TIMELESS
I frequently receive calls from pollsters asking me to participate in telephone surveys. One woman began with a barrage of questions. "Wait a moment," I said. "Who are you and whom do you represent?" She told me and immediately continued asking questions. "What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked. "Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." Then she hung up.
PUNNIES
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!" Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
10 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT (If Written By College Students)
- The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
- The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
- New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
- Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
- Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
- Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
- The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
- Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
- Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
- Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
"He can climb the highest mountain or swim the biggest ocean. He can fly the fastest plane and fight the strongest tiger. My father can do anything! But most of the time he just carries out the garbage." - Anonymous eight-year-old
DAD'S CHEAPER
One little boy defined Father's Day like this: "Father's Day is just like Mother's Day, only you don't spend as much on a present."
+++++
...............They Walk Among Us!
I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave her the money back. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.
I walked into a Mickey D's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free." She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."
.....Yep, They Walk Among Us AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL they VOTE!
+++++
TIMELESS
I frequently receive calls from pollsters asking me to participate in telephone surveys. One woman began with a barrage of questions. "Wait a moment," I said. "Who are you and whom do you represent?" She told me and immediately continued asking questions. "What's the purpose of this survey?" I asked. "Sir," she replied irritably, "I don't have time to answer your questions." Then she hung up.
PUNNIES
"I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Bill said, dolefully.
"I haven't caught a fish all day!" Mike said, without debate.
"I keep banging my head on things," Marty said, bashfully.
"That is the second time my teacher changed my grade," Donna remarked.
"The fur is falling out of that mink coat," Steven inferred.
"That's the second electric shock that I've gotten today!" Stew said, revolted.
"I'll just have to send that telegram again," Samuel said, remorsefully.
"I've been sick and lost a lot of weight," Rachel expounded.
10 WAYS THE BIBLE WOULD BE DIFFERENT (If Written By College Students)
- The Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning - cold.
- The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
- New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
- Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't cafeteria food.
- Paul's letter to the Romans becomes Paul's e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
- Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
- The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
- Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
- Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
- Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Friday, June 8, 2007
Friday, June 8, 2007
THE BOSS
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."
+++++
PROOF YOU'RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER
Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
+++++
BEING OVER 50
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young and sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement and when you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you walk by a mirror - take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, it's the retrieval that's the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these"!
+++++
Doctor's Order
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
+++++
THE PRICE OF GAS....a perspective
Compared with Gasoline...... Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ....... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85.... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99.....$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER... Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or heaven forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!
And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!
My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."
+++++
PROOF YOU'RE AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER
Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and mittens as they leave your home?
Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter a theater with a group of friends?
Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic who fails to repair your car to your satisfaction?
Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
+++++
BEING OVER 50
Q: Where can women over the age of 50 find young and sexy men who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement and when you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 50+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you walk by a mirror - take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, it's the retrieval that's the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these"!
+++++
Doctor's Order
A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please."
"Less? Never heard of it."
"C'mon, sure you have."
"No, really, we don't stock it. What is it? Some kind of foreign beer?"
"I'm not sure. It was my doctor who mentioned it. He said I should drink Less."
+++++
THE PRICE OF GAS....a perspective
Compared with Gasoline...... Think a gallon of gas is expensive? This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ....... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ......... $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ......... $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85.... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99.....$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER... Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
(Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have you hooked for the ink.
Someone calculated the cost of the ink at $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto Bismol, Nyquil or heaven forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!
And - If you don't pass this along to at least one person, your muffler will fall off!!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Friday, June 1, 2007
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
+++++
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
+++++
A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once airborne, the photographer said to the pilot, "Fly over the valley, make two or three low passes so I can take some photos of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And, I need to get some close-up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
+++++
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"They called back!"
+++++
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican."
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."
The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Democrat."
"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."
+++++
A photographer for CNN was assigned to cover southern California's wildfires. He wanted pictures of the heroic work the firefighters were doing as they battled the blazes. When the photographer arrived on the scene, he realized the smoke was so thick it would seriously impede, or even make impossible, his getting good photographs from the ground level. He requested permission from his boss to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved, and he used his cell phone to call the local county airport to charter a flight. He was told a single engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, "Let's go!" The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and roared down the runway. Once airborne, the photographer said to the pilot, "Fly over the valley, make two or three low passes so I can take some photos of the fires on the hillsides."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I'm a photographer for CNN," he responded. "And, I need to get some close-up shots."
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, "So, you're telling me you're not the flight instructor?"
+++++
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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