Friday's Funnies

Halloween Puns

Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost when they got in their car?

A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: What do you say when you meet a 3 headed monster?

A: Hello. Hello. Hello.

Q: What do you get if you leave a pile of bones in the sun?

A: A Skele-tan.

Q: Who are some of the werewolves' cousins?

A: The whatwolves and the whenwolves.

Q: Why did the spider buy a car?

A: He wanted to take it for a spin.

Q: What do little ghosts drink?

A: Evaporated milk.

Q: What's frightening and stuck on the end of your arm?

A: A terror wrist.

Payback

All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the minister smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.

Things Kids Say

My three-year-old daughter exclaimed very loudly at a funeral, during the moment of silence, "WHAT's IN THE BOX?" Gotta love them!

When Sarah was in kindergarten, her school celebrated Drug Free week with a parade, local celebrity speakers, a rally and drug awareness activities throughout the week. When I picked her up from school after the parade, I asked her what she learned about drugs that day. Her response made me laugh out loud. She said, "Drugs are free at my school!" Needless to say, we had many conversations after that about the arrangement of the words!

"After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"

AND...

At a wedding I recently attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead...As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Bold Thief

A man went camping in a state park. Before leaving his car to go hiking he left a note on the dashboard saying, "The stereo is broke."  He did this to deter thieves from breaking into his older model car. When returning from his hike the man noticed his car window was broken and the stereo was cut from the dashboard.  A note was left by the thief saying, "We'll fix it."

Second Opinion

A wife asks her husband, "Did you like supper?"  Trying to be polite, the husband says, "Yes."  "I was just wondering," she said, "because when I gave some to the cats they tried to bury it."

Quick Takes

• I don't think I got the job at Microsoft. They haven't responded to my telegram.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. It was riveting.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced. That's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
• Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.
• Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

The Funeral

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing. 

The priest says to the others, "I think our good friend would have liked to take something with him to his next life." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket.  The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket.  The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same.  The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

Vengeance

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT.

Today’s Thought

I once was writing on a piece of paper and wondering if the word I just wrote was spelled correctly. So I paused to see if a red squiggly line would appear underneath. It didn't.

Friday's Funnies

Turnabout

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented "These are very good! You must have a good camera." He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.  "Yes, sir," the clerk replied.  "That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Lunch Plans

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude . . .?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Ice Cream

A not-so-bright man goes into an ice cream parlor and says, "I'd like two scoops of chocolate ice cream, please."  The girl behind the counter says, "I'm very sorry, sir, but our delivery truck broke down this morning.  We're out of chocolate," "In that case," the man says, "I'll have two scoops of chocolate ice cream." "You don't understand, sir," the girl says.  "We have no chocolate."  "Then just give me some chocolate," he says.  Getting angrier by the second, the girl says, "Sir, will you spell VAN, as in vanilla?"  The man says, "V-A-N."  "Now spell STRAW, as in strawberry."  "OK.  S-T-R-A-W."  "Now," the girl says, "spell STINK, as in chocolate."  The man hesitates.  Then he says.  "There is no stink in chocolate."  "THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!" she screams.

Punny

·         It started to rain and Noah said, "Now I herd everything." (The International Save the Pun Foundation)

·         The moonshiner artist excelled at "still" life. (Jumble)

·         A drunk was hanging on to a lamp post for support when an old lady walked by and asked, "Why don't you take a bus home?" The drunk replied, "My wife would never let me keep it!" (Carl Franklin)

·         Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it. (Myrrdins)

But The Sign Says...

One October, my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles." Five miles farther on, there was another sign: "Ice 5 miles." The next one was, "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile. When we came to the last sign it was outside a small grocery, and it read, "Ice 75 cents."

Not Again

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb squarely on top of the meat. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my meal with your hand on my steak!" "What," says the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

Church Bulletinboard Signs

• "No God - No Peace? Know God - Know Peace."
• "Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
• "Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
• "People are like tea bags - you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are."
• "Fight truth decay - study the Bible daily."
• "How will you spend eternity - Smoking or Non-smoking?"
• "Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives"
• "Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
• "It is unlikely there'll be a reduction in the wages of sin."

Smile of the day

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything -- it was, after all, the captain's parrot.  One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and another.  After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

Real Faith

A grandfather was going by his little granddaughter's room one night when he saw her kneeling beside her bed, with head bowed and hands folded, repeating the alphabet.  "What are you doing?" he asked her.  She explained, "I'm saying my prayers, but I couldn't think of just what I wanted to say. So I'm just saying all the letters of the alphabet, and God can put them together however he thinks best."

 Today’s Thought

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, a lot of folks must love their churches.

Friday's Funnies

Baseball Fanatic

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic.  She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball.  I told her she's way off base.

Funny Book Authors

"Home Maintenance"....by Duane Pipe

"Growing up in the Balkans".....by Hugo Slavia

"Irish Winter Tales".....by Pete Moss

"Increase Your Brain Power"....by Sarah Bellum

"Looking Into the Wishing Well"....by Eileen Dover

"How to Write a Mystery Novel"....by Page Turner

"Winning Big".....by Jack Potts

"Vacation Spot in the Tropics"....by Sandy Beech

"I Always Enjoy the Darkness"....by Gladys Knight

Lawyer

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.   The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, "Are you seriously hurt?"  "How should I know?" the man answers, "I'm not a lawyer!"

Q&A

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?

A: Because he neverlands.

Name Game

Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name. Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a business-branded credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said. "Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco."

The Blind Date

Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all evening." "Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack." So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly looks at him and shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

Shorts

·         Everybody talks about apathy, but no one does anything about it.

·         A jumper cable walks into a café. The waitress says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

·         I'm not fat. I just too short for my weight.

·         Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR director asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"  The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."  Kathy said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"  The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" Kathy replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Punny Quotes

·         "I can't believe I ate that whole pineapple!" Tom said dolefully.

·         "I dropped the toothpaste," Tom said, crestfallen.

·         "We don't need a home-run hitter," Tom said ruthlessly.

·         "I'll dig another ditch around the castle," Tom said remotely.

·         "I keep shocking myself," said Tom, revolted.

·         "My steering wheel won't turn," Tom said straightforwardly.

·         "I've lost a lot of weight," Tom expounded.

·         "I keep banging my head on things," Tom said bashfully.

·         "I'll have to telegraph him again," Tom said remorsefully.

·         "I can't get down from the mountain," Tom alleged.

·         "Let's play a C, E and G," said Tom's band, in accord.

·         "You call this a musical?" asked Les miserably.

Dirty Toothbrush

A small boy came running out of the bathroom in tears.  "What's the matter?" asked his father.

"I dropped my toothbrush in the toilet."  "Okay, don't worry, but we'd better throw it out."  So the father fished the toothbrush out of the toilet and put it in the garbage. When he returned, the boy was holding another toothbrush.  "Isn't that my toothbrush?" the father said.  "Yes," said the boy, "and we'd better throw this one out too, because it fell in the toilet four days ago." 

Today’s Thought

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time? (I feel like I've forgotten this before…)

Friday's Funnies

Job

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."   I was impressed.  In further conversation, I learned that he was "washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision."

Day Off

An employee comes into her manager’s office to ask for a day off from work.   The manager replied, "So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be if you are going to take that day off!

Jay Leno Quotes

·         I was trying to find stuff to talk about today, it was a slow news day, so I found this. On this day in 1492, Columbus set sail from Europe, looking for a sea route to India - and ended up in America. And ironically, if you make a call from Europe to a company in America today - it's re-routed to India.

·         Thank you for coming out on such a hot day. Today was the first 100-degree day in L.A. I was sweating like a "Star Wars" fan trying to talk to a girl.

·         This new "Star Wars" is supposed to be quite good. It finally explains the transformation of how Anakin Skywalker went from being a young white boy to James Earl Jones.

·         Yesterday was "Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day." Which means today is "Stay Late At Work To Catch Up On All The Things You Couldn't Get Done Because Your Kid Was Bothering You In The Office Day."

·         Congress is now considering legislation that would require people to present four different forms of identification when they apply for a driver's license. Well that should speed up that line at the DMV.

Sick Call

The elderly woman had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the flu sent her to the hospital for observation.  By the time the doctor got her settled in her room, she had managed to complain about everything: The temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.  Suddenly, she spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord. "What's that?" she demanded.  "If you need anything in the middle of the night," said the doctor, "just press that button."  "What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.  "No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," he replied.  "A light in the hall?!" responded the woman. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."

  

A Form Letter For Spam Email

Hello (insert a misspelling of the recipient's name here),

My name is (insert has-been celebrity's name here). I'm writing to you on behalf of (insert completely unheard-of worthy cause's name here).

If you click on (insert mysterious and suspicious link here) today, not only will you donate (insert insignificant amount of money in cents here) for each click, but you'll also receive (insert ridiculously-low new mortgage rate here) and (insert phenomenal body enhancement here)!

Not only that, you'll be eligible to win a brand new (insert hot, trendy electronic gadget here), a (insert next year here) model (insert insanely expensive car brand here)! Act now, we have only (insert very low but still appealing quantity here) left to give away!

Also, if you click on (insert even more mysterious and suspicious link here) within the next (insert amazingly-soon amount of time here), you'll be entered into our drawing for (insert relatively high, but still seemingly feasible quantity of money here)! That's right, by trying out a 30-day sample of (insert new, snazzy wonder-drug here), not only will you (insert miracle of health or well-being that couldn't possibly come from previously inserted drug here), but you'll help rescue (insert practically unbelievable quantity of a relatively small country's population here) from widespread (insert globally challenging, heart-tugging disease or living condition here).

This (insert candy-coated terminology for the word "spam" here) was brought to you by (insert name of also completely unheard-of company with the word "marketing" or some other legitimate-sounding term here). If you'd like to unsubscribe from future mailings, please write to (insert P.O. Box address from either a major metropolitan city in New England or a backwoods, one-stop-sign town in the middle of nowhere). You can also click (insert one final mysterious and suspicious link designed to quadruple your "future mailings" here) to unsubscribe.

Punny

Two antennas (antennae?) met on a roof.  They fell in love and got married.  The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

A jumper cable walks into a cafe.  The waitress says, "Okay, I'll serve you, but don't try to start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.  The barkeep says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a diner with a slab of asphalt under his arm.  He says: "A Coke please, and one for the road."

Did you hear about the fellow who spilled root beer on his kitchen stove?  Now he has foam on the range.

Today’s Thought

If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year.