Friday's Funnies

Teenager Driver

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.  The mother got out of the car and said, "Thank you!"  "Anytime," her daughter replied.  As the woman slammed the door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Healthy Living

My goal for 2015 was to lose just 10 pounds.  Only 15 to go.

Ate salad for dinner!  Mostly croutons & tomatoes.  Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce.  And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.  I ate a pizza.

How to prepare Tofu:

1.  Throw it in the trash.

2.  Grill some Meat.

 I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

Reality

A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

Old Dog

My sister's dog had been deaf and blind for years. When she started to suffer painful tumors, it was time to put her down. As I explained this to my seven-year-old son, he asked if Jazzy would go to heaven. I said I thought she would, and that in dog heaven, she would be healthy again and able to do her favorite thing: chase squirrels.  Jacob thought about that for a minute, then said, "So dog heaven must be the same as squirrel hell."

Things A Cat Thinks About

~ I could have sworn I heard the can opener.

~ Is there something I'm not getting when humans make noise with their mouths?

~ Hmmm... If dogs serve humans, and humans serve cats, why can't we cats ever get the stupid dogs to do anything for us?

~ This looks like a good spot for a nap.

~ Hey -- no kidding, I'm sure that's the can opener.

~ Would humans have built a civilization on their own if cats hadn't given them a reason to invent sofas and can openers in the first place?

~ If that really was the can opener, I'll play finicky just to let them know who's boss.

Origins

A little girl asked her father, "How did the human race come about?" The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made." Two days later she asks her mother the same question. The mother answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them." The confused girl returns to her father and says: "Dad, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Mom says we developed from monkeys?" The father answers, "That's simple, honey. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your mother told you about her side."

The Unasked Question

At the trial, the train crewman insisted that he had given the driver ample warning at the crossing by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the crewman when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but the plaintiff's lawyer sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

Survival

A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.  Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.  "Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.  Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards." "Why's that, Timmy?"  "Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."  "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.  "Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"

24 Hours

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?"   The guy shrugs and says, "Well, I guess I'll have the bad news first."   "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.   The man is distraught, "24 hours to live?! That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?"   The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

Today’s Thought

The speed in which a woman says “Nothing” when asked, “What’s wrong?” is adversely proportional to the severity of the storm that’s coming.

Friday's Funnies

Tax Day!

As a public service to our American-based subscribers who have yet to complete their taxes (uh, due today!), I'm providing the following IRS form, at their request:

NEW AND IMPROVED IRS FORM 1040-2EZ

(Tax Year 2015)

Name:

Address:

City:

State:

Zip:

Social Security Number:___-__-____

1. How much money did you make in 2015?

$_____________

2. Send it to us:

Internal Revenue Service Payment Processing Center, Memphis, TN

+++++

There was a man who computed his taxes and found that he owed $3,407. He packaged up his payment and included this letter:

Dear IRS:

Enclosed is my tax return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2,400) and six hammers (value $1,029).

This brings my total payment to $3,429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

+++++

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

The taxidermist takes just the skin.

+++++

At  income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two  words 'The' and 'IRS' together it  spells    ... 'THEIRS'?

+++++

"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag." - Jay Leno

My Business

A father walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him.

The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks.

As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business."

Conscience

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS: "I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Today’s Thought

IRS: Be audit you can be!

Friday's Funnies

Unnecessary Roughness

A man took his wife, who had no interest in football, to the opening game at the local university. The home team was battered all over the field by the more dominant opponents. At one point, the referee blew his whistle; the call was "unnecessary roughness."  "You mean to tell me," the woman said to her husband, "That all that roughness up until now has been NECESSARY?"

The Right Denomination

I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Don't you believe in God?”

He said, “I do.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What denomination?”

He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! “Northern Conservative Baptist Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Council of 1912?”  I said, “Die heretic!” and pushed him over.

Deer Hunting

A builder, pastor and professional golfer went deer hunting together. They were all novices, but wanted to try it.  They had been out all day and towards dusk they all spotted a 5 point buck at the same time. They each took aim and 3 shots were fired at the moving target. The buck went down, so they rushed over to make sure it was dead. It was, so they started to discuss who had actually hit it. As they were discussing it, a game warden happened along and asked what the problem was. They told him, and he said for them to stand back and he would try to figure it out based on the bullet hole and the rifles that were being used.  After only a couple minutes, he came to them and said that the pastor was the one who hit the deer. The three wondered how he could figure it out so fast. The warden said the bullet went in one ear and came out the other.

Mensa

Some years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.  Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt.  How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand?  Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.  The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer.  They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.   "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker."  But before they could finish the waitress interrupted, "Oh, sorry about that."   She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.  There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Hair

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to wondering about things. "Mommy, why has Daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.  "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness.  "So why do YOU have so much hair?" Little Johnny asks.  "Go eat your breakfast!" snarled his mother. 

You're Not a Kid Anymore When

·        You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

·        You quit trying to hold in your stomach, no matter who walks into the room.

·        You enjoy watching the news.

·        The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.

·        The only reason you're still awake at 4 am is indigestion.

·        People ask what color your hair USED to be.

·        You're proud of your lawnmower.

·        Your best friend is dating someone half their age AND isn't breaking any laws.

·        You start singing along with the elevator music.

·        You really do want a new washing machine for your birthday.

·        Your car has four doors.

·        You routinely check the oil in your car.

·        You've owned clothes so long that they've come back into style TWICE.

·        You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

·        7 AM is your idea of "sleeping in."

·        You don't remember when you got that mole...or the one next to it.

·        You write thank you notes without being told.

·        Neighbors borrow your tools.

Lawyer

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.  "Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.  Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."  "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"  Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."  The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."  By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."  Joe thanked the judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" 

Today’s Thought

The difference between "gossip" and "news" is whether you hear it or tell it.