Name Calling
I was the
substitute principal at a local school when two boys who were fighting were
brought to me. They were brothers. I asked what's the problem? The first
answered, "He called me ugly!!" The second one said, "That was
after you said I had a face like a frog!" I tried very hard not to
laugh...they were identical twins!
Sold By The Dozen
Golf balls are like eggs...they are both white, sold by the dozen, and a week
later you have to go out and buy more.
Definition
Of Outdoor Barbecuing
When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is
put into motion:
1) The woman goes to the store.
2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the
necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the
grill, drinking a cold beverage.
4) The man places the meat on the grill.
5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon
seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
women.
South
Dakota Farm
A Texas
rancher, visiting a South Dakota farmer friend, asked him to show him his farm.
After seeing the 1,000 acre spread, the Texan bragged that down home he could
get into his car, drive all day, and by evening would not have gotten to the
distant point of his ranch. The South Dakotan simply replied, "You know, I
had a car like that once too."
The
Wedding Dress
Betty was
soon to be married. More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress
her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave
her consent. Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to
wait while Betty tried on the dress. When Betty entered the room, there was a
chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her. Tears
ran down the face of Betty's mother. Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry
Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son." "Forget about
that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
Opposites
A family
had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt
it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too
loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every
way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist. Just to
see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the
pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he
loaded with horse manure. That night the father passed by the pessimist's room
and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly. "Why are you
crying?" the father asked. "Because my friends will be jealous, I'll
have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff,
I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,"
answered the pessimist twin. Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found
him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy
about?" he asked. To which his optimist twin replied, "Look at all
this manure! There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
A
Drunk on the Bus
A drunk
that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest.
The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he
had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his
newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest,
"Father, what causes arthritis?" "Mister, it's caused by loose
living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your
fellow man," the priest replied. "Imagine that," the drunk
muttered. He returned to reading his paper. The priest, thinking about what he
had said, turned to the man and apologized: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have
arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper
that the Pope does!"
The
Talk
A father
decided it was time to have "the talk" with his ten-year-old
son. Sitting the boy down, he thought it best to first find out what his
son might already know. So he asked his son if he knew about "the birds
and the bees". "I don't want to know," his son replied, bursting
into tears. "Promise you won't tell me. Please!" Confused by
this reaction, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh
dad", the boy replied, in between sobs, "when I was six, I got the
'there’s no Santa' speech. At seven I got the 'there’s no Easter bunny'
speech. When I was eight, you hit me with 'there's no Tooth Fairy'
speech. If you are going to tell me now there's no such things as birds and
bees I don't know what I will do!"
Sunday
Paper
The irate
customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday
edition was. "Ma'am," said the employee, "today is Saturday. The
Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday." There was a long pause on the
other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "I'll bet that's why no one was in church
today too."
Dad Joke
You really
should try archery while blindfolded. You don't know what you're missing.
Today’s Though
The first rule of passive aggressive club is...You know what, never mind. It’s
fine.
