Creation
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little
Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of
one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as
though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in
my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Oops
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, “When
we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the
larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. You don't love me
anymore.” “Nonsense, darling,” replied
the husband, “you just cook better now.”
Towels
When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife
Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two
towels. "Yeah," said Sam very
disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to
do." "You're darn right it
wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had ....
you know the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation!"
Church
A small town had three churches -- and all three were
virtually overrun with pesky squirrels. The
first church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After
much prayer and consideration they determined that God must have wanted the
squirrels there, and the church shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. The second church decided that they were not
in a position to harm any of God's creations, so they humanely trapped the
squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the
squirrels were back. The third church
came up with the best and most effective solution: they baptized the squirrels
and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on
Christmas and Easter.
Job Application
I was applying for a job and the employment application
clearly stated: "Age of Father (if living)," and the same question
for my Mother. I put down the figures
105 and 94 in the spaces provided. The interviewer asked if my parents were
truly that old. I replied, "No, but
they would be if they were still living."
Vet Bills
While waiting at the veterinarian's office, I overheard
two women chatting about their dogs. "What's
your dog's name?" asked the first woman.
"Well, we used to call her Pork Chop," answered the second
lady. "But after the vet bills we've had for her, we now call her Filet
Mignon."
Animals
As the animals left Noah’s ark, Mrs. Noah looked up at
the dirty, beat-up, smelly boat and sighed, “It looks like such a wreck. Are we
just going to leave it on the mountaintop?” “Don’t worry about it,” Noah said
confidently, “I left the termites on board.”
Things You Would Never Know Without The
Movie Industry
~ Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they're employed or not.
~ Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override
the communications system of any invading alien society.
~ It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts--your enemies will wait patiently to attack you
one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out
their predecessors.
~ When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
~ Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to
kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley
systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their
captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
~ All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.
~ It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
~ The ventilation system of any building is the perfect
hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can
travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
~ The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
~ A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
~ It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when
beginning or ending phone conversations.
~ Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few
moments.
~ All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices
with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
~ If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you bump into will know all the steps.
~ When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English
to each other.
Today’s Thought
A pun is the lowest form of humor -- unless you thought
of it yourself.
