Friday's Funnies

An Ode To Thanksgiving:

May your stuffing be tasty

May your turkey be plump,

May your potatoes and gravy

Have nary a lump.

May your yams be delicious

And your pies take the prize,

And may your Thanksgiving dinner

Stay off your thighs!

                                                                          

What Turkeys Need To Know But Don’t

1. By limiting your corn intake to 175 kernels a day, you can lose thirteen pounds or three hours baking time, whatever the case may be.

2. There is no such thing as the friendly ax-man.

3. Hiding inside old Jack-O-Lanterns never works.

4. Running helps you lose weight, but you will never fly, ever.

5. Stop writing to Benjamin Franklin; he's dead, and you lost that National symbol argument long ago.

6. No one buys the "you can't eat a turkey with glasses routine."

7. If anyone asks you about your drumstick size, be afraid; be very afraid.

8. Sweet corn meal is NOT low in calories. Stop eating it.

9. Pretending to be "just a chicken" is not very smart.

10. If there are not pigs or geese on your farm, you should probably worry about Christmas as well.

Pondering the Imponderable

·         Is there another word for synonym?

·         Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

·         What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

·         Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

·         If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

·         Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

·         If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

·         Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

·         How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

It's Time

The banana loaf I was making was in the oven when my 16-year-old came into the kitchen where the family had gathered. "That bread smells about done don't you think, Mom?" he asked. I told him I had set the timer and it was fine. A little later he repeated his suggestion. "Mom, I really think that loaf is done. Maybe you should check it." Always quick to come to my defense, my 13-year-old son said, "Eddie, Mom's been burning that banana bread for 20 years now. I think she knows when to take it out."

The Sermon Review

A lady was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep. After the service, she turned to a very sleepy-looking gentleman sitting in a nearby pew, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn." Without a moment's hesitation, the man replied, "You're not the only one ma'am. I'm glad he's done, too!"

Three Important Words

At my granddaughter's wedding reception, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. It turned out to be my husband and me. The DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"  I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"  Everyone then looked at my husband. He said, "She's probably right."

Clocks

A man died and went to heaven, where he met St. Peter sitting at a desk in the middle of a great hall. On the walls were millions of clocks.  "What are those used for?" he asked.  St. Peter said, "There's one of them for every living person on Earth ticking out the days of their lives."  The newcomer noticed that the hands of some of the clocks were moving faster than others. "Why do they move at different speeds?" he asked.  St. Peter said, "Every time you tell a lie, you lose one hour of your life and your clock speeds up."  The newcomer looked around and then asked, "Do you have one of these for my local politician?"  St. Peter answered, "Sure! It's in the back room. We use it for a ceiling fan."

Romantic

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. As she waited for her friend, she decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Friday's Funnies

Aging

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see."  She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"  The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

When you rearrange the letters:

PRESBYTERIAN:  BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:  MOON STARER
DESPERATION:  A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:  THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE:  HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY:  DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES:  CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:  IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:  LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:  ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:  I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:  THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:  TWELVE PLUS ONE

Rise And Shine

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children one day. "How do you get your Marvin up so early on school mornings?" asks Joan. "Oh, that's easy," replies Marianne. "I just throw the cat on his bed." "Why does that wake him up?" "He sleeps with the dog!"

The Cure

An woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room. The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without even looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Tenor:

10) Tenors get high -- without drugs.

9) Name a musical where the bass got the girl.

8) You can show the sopranos how it SHOULD be sung.

7) Did you ever hear of anyone paying $1,000 for a ticket to see The Three Basses?

6) Who needs brains when you've got resonance?

5) Tenors never have to waste time looking through the self-improvement section of the bookstore.

4) You can sing along with John Denver on "Aye Calypso."

3) When you get really good at falsetto, you can make tons of money doing voice-overs for cartoon characters.

2) Gregorian chant was practically invented for tenors. (Nobody invented a genre for basses.)

1) You can entertain your friends by impersonating Julia Child.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Bass:

10) You don't have to tighten your shorts to reach your note.

9) You don't have to worry about a woman stealing your job.

8) Or a pre-adolescent boy.

7) Action heroes are always basses. That is -- if they ever sang, they would sing bass.

6) You get great memorable lyrics like bop, bop, bop, bop (boong ching ... boong chi-ching).

5) If the singing job doesn't work out, there's always broadcasting.

4) You never need to learn to read treble clef.

3) If you get a cold, so what.

2) For fun, you can sing at the bottom of your range and fool people into thinking there's an earthquake.

1) If you belch while you're singing, the audience just thinks it's part of the score.

Top Ten Reasons for Being a Soprano:

10) The rest of the choir exists just to make you look good.

9) You can entertain your friends by breaking their wine glasses.

8) Can you name an opera where an alto got the man?

7) When sopranos sing in the shower, they know the tune.

6) You are never going to sing the alto part by accident.

5) Great costumes -- like the hat with the horns on it.

4) How many world-famous altos can you name?

3) When the fat lady sings, she's usually singing soprano.

2) When you get tired of the tune, you can sing the descant.

1) You can sing along with Michael Jackson.

Top Ten Reasons for Being an Alto

10) You get really good at singing E flat.

9) You get to sing the same note for 12 consecutive measures (tang ... tang ... tang ...).

8) No warm up needed to sing 12 consecutive bars of E flat.

7) If the choir really stinks, it's unlikely the altos will be blamed.

6) You have lots of time to chat during soprano solos.

5) You get to pretend that you are better than the sopranos, because everybody knows that women only sing soprano so they don't have to learn to read music.

4) You can sometimes find part-time work singing tenor.

3) Altos get all the great intervals.

2) When the sopranos are holding some outrageously high note at the end of an anthem, the altos always get the last words.

1) When the altos miss a note, nobody gets hurt.

Friday's Funnies

Would You Be...

During his sermon, our pastor quoted Matthew 19:19, "Love your neighbor as yourself." To emphasize the point, he asked three times, with increasing intensity, "Who is my neighbor? Who is my neighbor? Who is my neighbor?!" Each time he asked, a young boy behind us answered (mimicking the pastor's intensity, but not quite as loud), "Mister Rogers! Mister Rogers! Mister Rogers!"

Punny Riddles

• What happens when it rains cats and dogs?  You have to be careful not to step in a poodle.
• Why did the butcher make his sausages with meat at one end and corn meal at the other?  Because in hard economic times, it's difficult to make both ends meat.
• Where do lawyers live?  In legal pads.
• How do you make a skeleton laugh?  By tickling his funny bone.
• When should baseball players wear armor?  When they play knight games.
• What do clowns get paid?  Funny money.
• What do dentists like most about amusement parks?  Molar coasters.
• Why did the robber take a bath?  To make a clean get away!

Say What?

Learning to use a voice-recognition computer program, I was excited about the prospect of finally being able to write more accurately than I type. First I read out loud to the computer for about an hour to train it to my voice, then I opened a clean page and dictated a nursery rhyme to see the magic. The computer dutifully printed out, "Murry fed a little clam, its fleas was bright and slow."

The Opportunist

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist:

While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Signed,

The Opportunist

"More of WHAT DOCTORS SAY" and what they're really thinking:

"This should be taken care of right away."

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month, but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

"Welllllll, what have we here...?"

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.

"Let me check your medical history."

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.

"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."

I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.

--or--

I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.

"We have some good news and some bad news."

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.

"Let's see how it develops."

Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.

"Let me schedule you for some tests."

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.

"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.

"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."

I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.

Car Repairs

When I picked up my Ford Escort at the service station after some minor repairs, I paid by check as usual. A couple of weeks later I came home from work to find my wife quite upset. She gave me the silent treatment until I figured out why she was so angry. She had noticed the canceled check, and on the memo line I had written "Escort Service."

WHAT'S FOR DINNER?

Can't eat beef:  Mad cow

Can't eat chicken:  Bird flu

Can't eat eggs:  Salmonella

Can't eat pork:  Trichinosis

Can't eat fish:  Mercury

Can't eat fruits:  Insecticides

Can't eat greens:  E. Coli

Can't eat veggies:  GMO

Can't eat grains:  Herbicides

Can't eat potatoes, pasta, bread, rice:  Carbs

Just Dropped In

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."