Friday's Funnies

School Daze

One day a little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do." The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?" The little girl replied, "My homework."

School Books

• "Walking To School The First Day Back" by Misty Bus
• "The Day the Car Pool Forgot Me" by I. Rhoda Bike
• "Can't See The Chalkboard" by Sidney Backrow
• "Practical Jokes I Played On The First Day Of School" by Major Crackupp
• "What I Dislike About Returning To School" by Mona Lott
• "Making It Through the First Week Of School" by Gladys Saturday
• "Is Life Over When Summer Ends?" by Midas Welbee
• "What I Love About Returning To School" by I.M. Kidding
• "Will Jimmy Finally Graduate?" by I. Betty Wont
• "What Happens When You Get Caught Skipping School" by U. Will Gettitt

The Warning

Little Jon wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with a warning. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

The Top 6 Signs Your Child's Teacher Is Experiencing Burnout

• Spelling test words: "Go," "Home," "Already."
• She spends an inordinate amount of every parent-teacher conference extolling the virtues of home-schooling.
• Lately, all the math homework has involved calculating how long it will take Teacher A on Flight 201 out of Boston to reach Maui.
• "Because the scalpel method is much too slow, we're going to speed up the frog dissection with this blender."
• You hear your kindergartner singing, "A-B-C-D, E-whatever, whatever...."
• Your son comes home with a report card comment that reads, "Johnny is a snot-nosed brat, just like the other 23 losers in his class!"

Fifty Bucks

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Ken would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'. Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, 'Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'. To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'. The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word its fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word... when they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know, "Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

Barking dog

Chris and Pat are in their residence listening to the neighbor’s dog, who has been barking for hours and hours. Finally, Chris jumps up and says, "I've had enough of this!" He rushes downstairs and a bit of time passes before he finally returns. Pat says, "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?" Chris says, "I've put the dog in our backyard. Let's see how they like it!"

I need a raise

A: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?
B: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
A: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.
B: Yes.
A: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
B: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
A: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
B: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
A: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!
B: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
A: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!